A lot has happened and yet not much is new under the sun. Joshua is now 13. I can't believe that. School is over for the year and I am thankful. Having a child with trauma is tough. Everyday is a battle for him to trust in what he knows is true. I wish that I could make it easier for him but I know that it is something that only God can heal. Most times, I'm able to use humor to keep from losing my mind. Sometimes, I cannot. It all just depends on the day. God still teaches me that I need to remember that he is still growing and that God will redeem all of the muck for His glory. I often have to remind myself of this as again, it is a lot of work raising him. Sometimes, I get jealous of other moms of kids without the battles of trauma. They lament over their child's struggles and sometimes, it is hard for me to show compassion. They can trust their child with things that I cannot trust my child. Many of their children are emotionally developing normally. This is not a complaint or criticism; just an observation. Most days, I love my adventure. I am constantly praying that I haven't made things worse when he does become an adult. I am praying that one of these days, he will say yes to God as I know that God is actively pursuing him. But it's hard for him to trust God who he cannot see as he doesn't trust me who he sees every day. So, I try to be patient because God is patient with me.

Armor

To say that the past almost 7 weeks have been some of the hardest of my life is an understatement of the century. 
Tuesday, November 23, I get a call from my friends telling me to call them right away because something has happened. I called Nicole and she told me that David, my friend's 23 month old son died a few hours ago. I'm at work and all of a sudden, the celebration of work Thanksgiving ends as I burst into tears. I'm speechless. I rush over and much to my dismay, it's not a dream and their words were not lost in translation. David was gone. I'd just missed the coroner and all of the other medical personnel. I am not a person with great words in situations like this. My mouth is my biggest enemy. BUT God's words are living and active. So this is all I can give. I don't remember a lot about those weeks except for troubled sleep, lots of crying and grieving and hugging. 7 weeks later and I still don't like Tuesdays and I miss Baby D terribly. 

But God showed up (and continues to show up) in a tremendous way. God's people moved and it was amazing to watch as people surrounded them and loved on them. And they came to me too and said, "I'm praying for you, Janelle." 
Praying for me? I didn't lose my son. Why are they praying for me? Oh wait... because I'm a big mess. For a while there, I struggled to find my "place". I'm a doer. I need things to do. I love to serve. But when serving looks different, I struggle. And struggle I did. Things were said that I didn't like and I wanted to say, "Wait, what about my thoughts and feelings?" And not in a healthy way.  By God's grace, I recognized it before I opened my mouth and became a clashing cymbal. I had to repent my thoughts as I realized that my thoughts were not godly. My perspective was off and I knew it. So, I went to the scripture that I'd given to the Posids. That's all I knew to do. God's word is living and active. As these weeks have passed, God has shown me His goodness and His love in so many ways. He reminded me that we are a community. We take care of each other. He comforts them and He comforts me as well. 

This week was especially difficult. Satan has been after me in a brand new way. He couldn't get me to turn to my old habits (I caught on fairly quickly and did not fall), so, instead I had trouble sleeping (one of my favorite things to do), and had bad dreams that played on my insecurities in a HUGE way. So, when Satan can't get a hold of me in the day, he comes at night. But while talking with Amanda and Dawn, Dawn said, "I'm sure that Satan is after you big time, Amanda." She shook her head and said that not a single bad comment has been left and that they were completely blocked from Satan's attacks. It took me a while to see that Satan wasn't attacking Dan and Amanda because they were covered in prayer (and still are); he was attacking me while I was praying. When this realization dawned on me, I said, "Nope, they are not being attacked. The ones who are lifting them up are." This of course was followed by Amanda asking, "So have YOU (Janelle) been asking for prayer?" 
Me: "Um.... no because it's stupid..." oh wait. (Light bulb).
Satan is a big fat liar. I know that and yet, because of my humanity, I forgot that God lifts all of us up as we need. No request is too small for God. No prayer goes unanswered especially when someone is asking for something that has already been promised. God is the Comforter. He is the God who Sees. He is the Healer. He is that for my friends but He is also that for me. 
Grief is a horrible thing. I didn't think that I would grieve this hard but I have. I find myself crying at random times as I remember Baby D. Sunday lunches are difficult. Watching Danmanda navigate this is difficult. It is heart wrenching. Watching God work through this has been AMAZING.
This morning at BRCC, Woody was talking about the Samaritan woman. After lunch, we went back to Amanda's house and she was talking about his talk. She said something that really resonated with me. She said that she was trying to find out where she was in the talk. Then Woody told some desert story. Basically, it was a fable of some kind where there was a jar of water next to a pump. The person had a choice. They could either drink the water in the jar or they could use the water to prime the pump and drink as much as they wanted. And Amanda said, "Right now, God is making me the pump and He has everyone else pumping so that His words are coming out because it's definitely not me." (She of course said it much better than I repeated them here). It was at this point that these verses rang out to me: 

Ephesians 6:10-17
¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. ¹² For our struggle is not against ^[e]flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. ¹³ Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. ¹⁴ Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, ¹⁵ and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; ^16 [f]in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

So, this is where I am. Now I know and knowing (or recognizing) is half the battle. I am taking this one day at a time, one moment at a time. I'm trusting God to make all of this right and to protect me from the evil one. If you are reading this, I ask that you will pray for me. Pray that I will stand firm and that I will not walk out naked; but instead walk covered from head to toe with my armor on. I don't want to be a stumbling block. I want to stand firm in the fullness of God. I want to run my race well even though right now, I can't see very clearly since my journey right now is full of tears and grief. But God never wastes a hurt. He is with me all the time and He is faithful even when I can't see it. 

My 50 lb. plow Part 2

My son has been struggling a lot lately. He doesn't like to acknowledge this. He's the kid whose arm could fall off and even though you point out that he has a stump, he argues that it's not actually a stump it's just a shorter arm without hands and fingers. Or like a blind person who will refuse to acknowledge their blindness even though they bump into every corner, screaming OW! and then changes direction to walk into a wall instead of just asking for help or direction. It drives me crazy! He is getting better every year and now, he will bump into walls and not corners. A few weeks ago, the school sent an email asking for volunteers for Lego League. Joshua LOVES Legos. He is creative and loves to build. So as a good mom, I signed him up and then volunteered as well. I sacrificed my mornings to make sure that I would be available to help the team in the evenings. I talked it up and reminded him for the umpteenth time that his behavior would affect his ability to remain in the club. When we were there together, everything went well. The next week, he struggled and later that week, I emailed the coach to say that I was going to keep him out that day because he didn't get his homework done. I sent him back the next Monday and then got the dreaded call. The week before, Joshua was an absolute nightmare. He wasn't listening, etc. etc. The same old pattern of behaviors emerged. Eventually after many miscommunications, I talked to the coach and teacher and she informed me that he was no longer going to be a part of Lego League because of his behavior. This was one day of poor choices and this wonderful thing was gone. We discussed this and how it happened that he couldn't participate. It was a hard lesson. I was hopeful. Maybe that would get his attention. And it did... for 24 whole hours. The next week, he got in trouble in school for almost the exact same behavior. And this time, it cost him a party at the end of the 9 weeks. All the kids have to do is get in trouble less than 15 times in 9 weeks. They have these things called HABIT letters. Every letter stands for a choice. When you make a poor choice, a letter disappears based on the letter it violated. 15 warnings before you lose this party. That is a pretty low bar... And of course, my son lost out. So next week, he'll be the only child in his class who doesn't get to participate. We talked about it. He connected it and then the next day, lost more habit letters for being rude and argumentative. FRUSTRATING!!!!
At times, I can handle it. But today, I was just through. I'm tired of it all. Sounding like a broken record, my son's self pity, all of it. One of the sayings in our home is "Please, act like I raised you." Because I have raised him. But often in other environments, he acts like he wasn't raised right at all. Yes, all parents say that but seriously... I work in foster care and at times, my son acts no different than them who were older than he was when he was plucked out of the dysfunctional environment that he was in even though they are older and their experiences were much more traumatic. I understand the brain stuff and the trauma stuff but still, we are going on 7 years and sometimes the progress seems so... disappointing. Sometimes, I think outside of the box when it comes to getting my point across with him. Sometimes, that's the only way that he will listen. He may not heed it later but he will at least listen. So, I turned the tables and acted like I didn't raise him. I asked him what made him my son and he showed me a lot of things. My signature on his homework, his clothes, etc. I told him that none of it meant that I was his mom and he was my son. Everything that he said, I turned back on him. Boy was he frustrated. He kept telling me that he was my son and it hurt his feelings that I was acting as if he wasn't mine. He then became incredibly dramatic and I had a hard time not laughing but I held it together as he delivered a performance so dramatic he should have won an Emmy. I then told him that kids act like their parents. Not all the time, but kids act like their parents. No, they are not perfect and they mess up but they still act like their parents. Growing up we knew who had the "good" parents. The "good" kids. We weren't allowed to hang out with the rough kids. Their parents didn't raise them right. We weren't allowed to spend the night although they could come to our house. We were quizzed on what is appropriate and what was not. We said please and thank you and my sister and I took great pride in parents commenting on our fine manners. Sure we were hellions at home but in public? Perfect angels because we wanted to live to be adults and death by parents knocking us into next week was not that appealing.

I talked to my son about that phrase again today. God told the Israelites the same thing. Please act like I raised you. Don't do stupid things and get yourselves in sticky situations that I will have to give you consequences for. Don't ruin my reputation with your actions. Take responsibility. Love one another and love others. Act like I raised you. I don't want to be angry with you all the time. You are dear to me and I want everyone to see that.
Of course I am paraphrasing but you get the point. Jesus told his followers and those who were in the crowd that a person could do the right things and go through the motions but it didn't mean anything if they didn't make the choice to belong to God. Yes, God chose them but they also had to choose God. In that same vein, I chose Joshua... actually I chose God who chose Joshua and I chose to be obedient... I love him and am trying to set an example of what love looks like by pointing him to God. But in any adoption, the choice is two fold. The parent chooses the child but the child has to decide to choose the parent. Joshua is mine because I chose him. I am raising him and I want the best for him. But he has the choice whether he is going to act like a loved child or whether he is going to act like an orphan. I can't make that choice for him. This is what I told him. I will always choose him but he has to choose me as well. This is the crux of the plow for me. I have a 50 pound alabaster plow. What God showed me is that parenthood is a big giant loud obnoxious screaming plow. YAY!
OK not so much yay as back to the original thought (boy did that take a while). I am a pessimistic optimist. I hope for the best. I pray for the best for Joshua. I pray that this time, he will take what I said and apply it. That he will choose to use his powers for good instead of evil. That he will act like I raised him. But at the same time, I know that it's not going to happen right away. I have to accept that. I cannot change him. I can only guide him. I have faith that God doesn't waste a thing. God is a miracle worker and I have a miracle that needs to be worked. I mean, for goodness sake two out of his three names means salvation (Joshua Christian). God has much planned for my adventurous boy. Until then, I will toil behind the plow. The growth is slow but it is there. It just is growing really really slowly but at least it's growing.

My 50 lb. plow Part 1

So, our church has just finished a series called "The Plow". It was amazing like a lot of them are. If I was to be honest, I hate series like this. I mean what they ask us to do is so unpleasant. I mean, you know it's coming. A plow to rake through the earth. Scraping in order to find new growth... Working hard in the hope that something great is coming... Then of course comes the part where you (I) reluctantly ask, "What is my plow?" "What do you want from me?" not always because I am eager to learn a new way to experience turmoil but because often as a Christian, we are reminded of verses which tell us about how we are to respond in the hard times. Heck, as a black woman in America, all of the spirituals growing up alluded to hard times and how we are to praise God in the midst of them.
In some of them, the song tempo is solemn and full of hope. In others, it's fast paced but still talks about being in pain or turmoil. Joy always comes "in the morning". As a black American who grew up in The Church I always saw it as us being pessimistic optimists.  I mean, we were sad, lonely, hurting, going through something, always broke and in despair but someday things were going to get better. We had Jesus to save us. We had the Holy Spirit to comfort us and God to watch over us from above. I always (and still do) took comfort in that. When I went to LU, it wasn't so much that as I've often observed in some of my less pigmented friends a different point of view. Yes, things were tough but to talk about them was to dishonor God. I mean, God gave us everything. What right or authority did I have to discuss the ugliness when God is beauty and love? Yes, your life sucks but focus on the good and if you believe enough it will come. From both came the idea that if I was good, I will be blessed but if not, God will get me.
The problem with both points of view was that neither one is entirely truth although there is truth in both. As I grew, I started to realize that neither was a complete picture of Who God or even Jesus is to me. After a lot of searching and researching, I came to understand that God is so much more complicated than that. I stopped listening to those thoughts and long held beliefs and started reading and asking for clarification. This lead me to CR and a realization that much of what I believed was complete bullocks. Yes, I'm going to go through hard times but that doesn't mean that God is out to get me or that I did something wrong. Nor did every day have to have bad things happen so that I can look forward to joy in the morning. I am NOT a morning person and therefore my joy is not present there. I don't even remember most mornings as I pretend that I'm awake until at least 11am. ;) But I am getting off topic.

I thought I understood. I thought I had a grasp. I wasn't cocky about it but I was getting a sense of at least understanding a little bit. But I'm learning that the little bit I understood then and now is equatable to what we understand about the universe. How did I learn this valuable lesson? I had a kid. Not just a kid. I had a Joshua. In one day my life was flipped upside down, inside out backwards and forwards all at the same time. I don't know what it's like to have a child from birth. But a child who is not biologically yours is quite a learning curve. I went from understanding kids and behavior to understanding that I was not the expert I thought I was. I learned more about who God was from my son than anything else that I've ever experienced. And the lessons keep coming.

*Sigh*

Recently I've been in a spiritual stump. We've all been there right? It happens so gradually that you don't realize that it's happened until you're trying to figure out why the Spirit doesn't move you like it used to. Instead of relishing in the spirit of the holidays, I was simply trying to keep my head above water. I tried to talk to God and couldn't find the words to say. After a devastating work situation with a kid, it really was all I could do to wake up and return to work day after day. I was grieving and trying to keep up with the other kids who were still in my case load. I was not successful and spent all of December wandering if I was ever going to have the energy to catch up on missed paperwork. At the same time, I didn't want to do anything and found it hard to stay on top of things that up until that point had never been an issue. December's stresses continued as all of my kids on my caseload lost their cotton pickin' minds! I ended up doing what I comes naturally to me these past few years... escaping into TV. I found that I was able to shut my mind off and not think about the stress and the pressures of the day and of my job.This meant missed opportunities, arriving later and later to work, missing Sunday mornings and completely turning off God at times to escape. This turned into a mild depression where I just felt numb. Don't get me wrong, there were some highlights. My family rocks, I mean they seriously do. While my kids at work were losing it, my own son was able to successfully manage the holidays like a child without trauma triggers. This was a major accomplishment especially since there were many nights where others picked him up from daycare because I was working. But if anything required any type of serious effort, I knew it wasn't really going to happen. I could feel things getting out of control including the Landing. Spiritually, we were all being attacked. It was so discouraging. But the one thing that I was able to remember was that I wasn't going to stay there forever. I spent the New Year at home not because I didn't have anywhere to go, but because I didn't want to go anywhere. As January came, I started remembering that regardless of what was going on at work, I had a life and I had things that needed to get done. I slowly started to catch up. My paperwork was completed, the kids started to return to normal, I remembered that I had community... I made the decision to remember what was most important and decided that I was going to participate in the next Bible study. Gideon, here I come. Things are still stressful BUT I have remembered who I am and have gone back to focusing on what's important... although can I just say, I'm tired of winter. I want to thaw out now. I live in the south so that we have breaks from consistent winter weather. Where are the 60 degree breaks and above average temperatures?

Scratchy Sweaters and Unpopular Views

Lately, God has been changing me and I've been resisting the change... I guess that's not the way to put it... I'm not changing per se; what I'm about to write has for the most part always been how I feel about things but the need to speak these things have been like a scratchy sweater or wool blanket... oh so warm and comfortable but you often want to put something on to buffer the skin irritation... I've got to think of a better analogy! But I digress.

Let me start off with a basis for what I'm going to say. I think that everyone can agree that we live in a broken world. There is abuse and corruption and all sorts of ichiness. Over a week ago, part of our church family lost a two year old girl... Everyday, children are being beaten and abused... People are using guns to kill others and at times to kill the most innocent and I think, what is going on? Why is this all happening? I want to grab my family and move like a protected blob through life so that none of us gets hurt. But that's unrealistic. I love reading. I love watching TV. I love learning; just don't give me a test;). I love reading Scripture as God teaches and reminds me of His truths. What a beautiful God that I serve! There's a problem though. The more I read about God, the more the world makes less sense to me. While He is not growing, my knowledge of Him and His ways certainly do. I was watching a documentary of a young Jewish kid who was preparing for his Bar Mitzvah. He had Down's Syndrome and yet his innocence and reliance on God was so inspiring. (The documentary is called Praying for Lior). Here he was and he didn't understand a lot of things, but he constantly sang his prayers to God. He had that blind innocent faith that many children and child-like thinkers have. When I read through the Scriptures I find the same thing; especially in the Old Testament. God is seen as a refuge and relief from all of the battling. When they remembered, the Israelites were able to see just how holy God was. When Moses asked Who God was, God simply answered, "I AM." He is the Alpha and Omega; the be all and end all. He didn't begin and He won't end. He created us all. This is the basis of where my thoughts and comments begin. This is my foundation and the back story behind this particular entry.

As I said earlier, I love reading and I love watching TV. I love how God has wired us up to be story tellers and how in the end, Love wins. My problem is our culture's definition of love. Often I find that what we think of as love is not the same as God's Love. Because of this, we give love parameters.  Love can only look this way. If it doesn't then it's not love. To me, this is a scary thing and it's something that plagues our culture and our world. God's Love is everlasting and wise and just. God's Love comes with parameters and rules. While there were hundreds of rules in the Old Testament that had to be followed for one thing or another, in the New Testament, some of those rules were no longer needed because of health improvements or because God was teaching new things and those rules became symbols. For example,  Peter is told that there is no longer any food that was unclean. Also, after Christ's death and resurrection, you no longer needed to go through the religious rituals and see your local Rabbi to sacrifice something for you because Jesus made that practice obsolete. Also, Jesus made it a point to reach out to others whose views were not the same as His own and encouraged His disciples to do the same.  In all of those cases, God was very clear about how things were to work and why these rules were no longer necessary. On the other hand, there were several things that continued to ring true in both the Old and New Testament. God still wanted us to remember where we'd come from; in the OT, they were to use stones. In the NT, we use communion and celebrate significant occasions like Christmas and Easter. Jesus tells us in both the Old and New Testament that He is the Messiah and He is coming back to set things right.
Now here is where I start to struggle. Gender roles continue to hold consistently in both testaments. Men are still supposed to be the head over women. As a woman, I want to balk against that. In a lot of ways, I want to say that it's not fair as I've known so many wise women and so many foolish men. And then of course, there's Romans 1:16-32. Paul starts off by saying that he's not ashamed of the Gospel because it's through the gospel that power from the Holy Spirit comes. The righteous live by faith. I wish that I could say that whole-heartedly but in many ways I can't. This is why I'm putting it here on my blog instead of on my Facebook page. But I have to start somewhere, right? In the list that Paul uses, he basically gets everyone. I mean, look at Romans 1:18- 23:
                      ¹⁸ The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and   wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness, ¹⁹ since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. ²⁰ For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.
²¹ For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. ²² Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools ²³ and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles.
Paul just lays it out. If it ended there, we could say, "Yeah, that Paul. Preach it brotha!" and shake our heads at the foolishness of others. BUT Paul keeps going just to make sure that we understand exactly what he's talking about:
²⁴ Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. ²⁵ They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
²⁶ Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. ²⁷ In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.
²⁸ Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. ²⁹ They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, ³⁰ slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; ³¹ they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. ³² Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
As a people, we want to skip verses 24 through 27 and censor it so that it's not there. We don't mind the other things, but those? How heartless and prejudice can Paul be? I was watching a movie the other day and the premise was that this woman was being nominated for "Catholic Woman of the Year" meanwhile, her son was having an affair and about to leave his wife and two children (whom he'd gotten pregnant when they were younger and married her) and a daughter who was a lesbian. She's doing everything that she can to do penance for their lifestyle and basically shuns her daughter choosing to live in denial and shames her son trying to convince him to return to his wife and kids. At one point, her daughter is getting married and she's at the ceremony. The priest who is there in secret is about to marry them and he asks the audience to pray that God will bless their "holy" union. At this point, I can sense my itchy sweater. Why? Because God is not going to bless sin; EVER. I am not just talking about same sex relationships; I'm talking about all sin. If you sleep with a person that you're not married to, God's not going to bless that. It's sin. If you lie and steal to get ahead at work, God's not going to bless that... even if it's to feed your family or whatever other excuse we come up with. Then, to make matters worse (I stopped watching at that point), today, they talked about the Pope resigning and American Catholics were asked what they hoped for as far as change in the papacy. They replied that they wanted more religious tolerance because the Church was old fashioned and not current. I really became angry at that. How can we as a people who haven't been around for very long dictate to the God of the universe; the One Who created us and made everything of beauty... how can we have the audacity to tell God that He needs to get with the times and culture? Seriously? That to me is like Joshua telling me that discipline is so over-rated and I just need to let him do whatever because I don't know anything. I think you know what my response would be... and how he would react. 
Don't think that this is about Catholics. In Protestant churches as well the same thing is happening. The Boy Scouts are thinking about renigging the policy of gay boy scout leaders, churches all over are blurring the lines of Scripture to keep current with culture and turning their heads from infidelity and sin of all types simply because of the gain that they get from it... or simply to remain "relevant" and not offend. 
Yes, God wants us to love each other. I don't believe in treating people like lepers and prosecuting them because they struggle with sin. I have many gay friends and they have no doubt that I love them; however I don't agree with their lifestyle and pray for them daily. I honestly believe that God wants to free us from sin and only He has that power. I don't believe that this makes me prejudiced. I don't believe that it makes me closed minded or even ignorant. Last time I checked, compared to God, I'm quite young... I choose to believe that maybe He knows what He's talking about regardless of whether or not I agree. God is not the One with the problem. He's the One with the solution. I think that my view can be summed up with the end of Job. Job was upset because he'd lost everything except for unsupportive friends and  a nagging wife. Towards the end, God's basically asking him, "And who do you think you are?" Job wisely says, 'No one compared to you... so I'll just shut up and listen and do whatever you say." I don't think Job liked that time in his life. I'm sure that he looked back on that thinking how unfair it was that he lost everything in such a short amount of time. But regardless, he remembered that he was a baby who knew nothing compared to God. I pray for our culture who boxes their god in their own version of truth and then tries to convince us who know the True God to do the same. I think that Paul hit the nail on the head in his prayer to the Ephesians... may we as followers of Christ live in this way:
¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. ²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Amen.


 

Today I was reminded....

Today I was reminded about why I love being called "mommy". I can't tell you how many blogs I've started and erased about how trying my life is with my little guy. Honestly, I feel like I'm always fighting for him... sometimes with others but mostly so that he could see in him what I see in him. Yes, some of this is normal, but he seriously takes it past the realm of normality. If you don't believe me, ask around to someone whose had him overnight. They'll tell you!. We've been in this 3 month slump with this and quite frankly, I'm exhausted. It doesn't matter what I say or do, the boy just isn't happy unless he's in some sort of trouble. He'll have one or two good days and then follow up that success with 3 weeks of severe behavior (stealing, hoarding, lying, etc...) It at times seems like he has no regards to anyone's feelings but his own and he's so below his emotional milestones. Needless to say, it gets tedious and frustrating. BUT, this my friends is not what this is about.
Today, I was reminded about why I love being his mommy. Today was the first time in a long time that I saw the little boy that stole my heart. He was carefree and laughing. He was trusting and loving. He wasn't manipulative and heeded everything that I said without a "why" or even an argument. He wasn't perfect, but I don't want a perfect son. Jesus can keep that title!;) He often says that he loves me. I believe him when he says it... but today, he showed me and that is just so much better. These days were the moments that I cling to when all is wrong in my world. I fell in love again. Who knew that a water park could be so therapeutic? 

 Joshua did not like wearing his hat but with his *ahem* lighter skin, this was the only way to minimize the burning that was sure to happen. This was at the end of our adventures:)

Good night everyone!

Put One Step in Front of the Other...

It's been brought to my attention that I haven't written a blog in 7 months... Honestly, I've been so wrapped up in stuff that I haven't really thought about it. So, I'll catch you up... Got a job... This is a praise as many people wouldn't be able to say that these days. With that said, this is definitely a job "for a season". I'm praying that season ends when school starts and I can return to teaching. I miss it so much! But God is using this current job to stretch me in ways that apparently I needed. I love adults and love having friends who aren't kids, but I've discovered that I have very little compassion for whiny adults who are too selfish to focus outside of themselves. This folks is many times the nature of my job. Not all the time and not all of my clients are like this. It's better now than when I started. But I do have to win over their approval and convince them that they need me in their lives. Otherwise, no money. This has caused serious stress not only there, but the increase in my gas consumption as this is the way that I get from one client to another. I'm probably traveling between 250 and 350 miles per week average. My poor little car is doing it but it's on its last legs. The increase in gas has tightened my already tight budget along with the repairs from my old car. (2001 Elantra with almost 200,000 miles). Since December, I've spent over $1500 in car repairs and maintenance. Needless to say, it's time for a new car. I will say though, I'm getting to know Lynchburg and Amherst County like the back of my hand. Other things I've learned: many people in Lynchburg really are related to each other...and have the scandalous lives to prove it. I do like my clients most of the time. I'm partial to one who is really the most caring women I've ever met... just don't ever get on her bad side! I've developed a compassion for lower SES in a way that I didn't think of and have to say that our system really IS broken! If it weren't for churches providing food, clothing and shelter for many of these people, they'd be out on the street. 

On the home front, Joshua has his ups and downs. We made it over a month with nothing but good reports. I was so excited! Then, BAM! Down the slippery slope we go. I love my son but the last two weeks have been torture. Sometimes, I have to walk the dog just to keep from killing the kid! Between the lying and stealing... and now we're bullying a special needs child at school (he kicked the kid last week and choked the kid this week). Needless to say, this meant a referral for my Kindergartener and in school suspension (although they don't call it that in elementary). THEN I had to take a step back in order to not bully him. If you've been bullied, you know what I'm talking about. Apparently at school, he showed no remorse although there was a LOT of remorse at home... mostly due to (ahem) spiritual conversations with God... I'm praying through it and trying my best. The one thing I hold on to is the fact that God placed him with me this young for a reason. I don't think that Joshua is headed for a life of crime... not with as many people praying for him daily and loving him as they do. I'm looking toward the future and praying that he's just getting this yucky stuff out of his system now so that we don't have to deal with it later. The difference for me is: I realize that it's not my fault. He's making these decisions. I'm not taking it personally which I did for a long time. He's choosing anger and bitterness. Until he decides that he wants to change, I can only change the environments he's in. But boy do I hate doing that. I miss that part of my son. I miss that time of hanging out and doing fun stuff and not having to discipline all the time. But, I know that God will bring him back. It's just hard to be patient. To top it off, the adoption is still not finalized. His sperm donor is MIA and doesn't want to be found. We are now at a 2 year process for adoption on something that should have gone smoothly. BUT again, I know that there is an end to this. God's got it under control. This past weekend, I was looking at the lesson for The Landing and there was this set of verses that I came across that I love in the Message. It's from Isaiah 41:8-12. 

This is what the Lord says:

 8-10"But you, Israel, are my servant. You're Jacob, my first choice, descendants of my good friend Abraham. I pulled you in from all over the world, called you in from every dark corner of the earth, Telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side. I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.' Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you. 11-13"Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you will end up out in the cold— real losers.(<-- side note... in my head, I'm saying, "ha ha ha") Those who worked against you will end up empty-handed— nothing to show for their lives. When you go out looking for your old adversaries you won't find them— Not a trace of your old enemies, not even a memory. That's right. Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go. I'm telling you, 'Don't panic. I'm right here to help you.'  

How cool is that? So, this is what I'm clinging to this week and this is what I'm clinging to for my Joshua. Please continue to pray for both of us. The end of school is near!

For the past few days, I've had a Kirk Franklin song in my head. The whole song is about how God never puts more on us than we can bear. I've heard this before... many times in fact. In my culture, this is one of the many things that we say to each other over and over again. I often equate it to God will stop before it gets to be too much. But as I thought about it, I wonder... what is too much? If we look at the Bible, it seems that the human definition of too much and God's definition are two totally different things. Adam and Eve lost Paradise and later both their sons; one due to murder and the other to disobedience. Noah lost everyone who wasn't immediate family and endured years of teasing and taunting. Abraham had to leave everything that was familiar and go to some strange land. Lot lost his wife and self respect. Job lost everything except his wife and friends who let's be honest were not very good at the whole comforting thing... well you get the point. Some of them sinned and these were the consequences but some of them were just victims of circumstances beyond their control. As you know, I lost my job. I hate being unemployed because I love what I did and I love structure and predictability. I've been on several interviews but as of yet, not a single job. As of next week, I will be in real trouble because money will start to run out and my emergency fund will need funds. I was denied unemployment, my tax return didn't come through and now I'm fighting with both parts of the government to show me the money. I'm trying to raise my son without turning into the evil mother and trying to stay regulated so that he can stay regulated. I'm praying, studying, and doing a lot of talking to God. In the midst of all of this, I know that God will not put more on me than I can bear. But WHAT does that mean? I mean we say that so flippantly. "God won't give you more than you can handle" After a while it becomes more of a catch phrase meant to comfort even though many times, it doesn't.

Jesus told us not to worry about what we will eat or drink or wear. He says that God knows our needs and will take care of them. That God cares about us. I believe that whole-heartedly. But, in my humanness, I think, well, thanks for telling me not to worry. That's great to say. But how do I not worry? I mean, what else do I have to do? But then I remember my steps (of course) and pray the Serenity prayer and ask God... unpack this PLEASE! Here's what I discovered.

Matthew 11:28-30 NIRV
28 "Come to me, all of you who are tired and are carrying heavy loads. I will give you rest. 29 Become my servants and learn from me. I am gentle and free of pride. You will find rest for your souls. 30 Serving me is easy, and my load is light."

1 Peter 5:7 The Message (MSG)
6-7So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you.

Here's what I learned: God doesn't give us more than we can handle... but we take on more than God intended for us to have. Jesus tells us to give our burdens to Him. He says if we do, then we will find the rest for our souls. God is not surprised by my life. It didn't just come upon Him. He did not say, "Uh-oh." or OOPS!. (I did though). Day in and day out, it's a daily decision for me to give Jesus my cares and concerns. If I don't, then I cannot blame God for giving me more than I can handle. The truth is that if my son is trying to pick something up that is too heavy, I tell him to put it down so that I can carry it to where it's supposed to go. Why? Because it's more than he can carry. He knows that it's too much and that if he tries, he'll hurt himself from the weight of it all. And yet in my life, I'm often trying to pick up a ton of bricks thinking that I can shoulder it alone. This was never what God intended. Sure, He'll let us try. But He's right there beside me saying, "Janelle, whenever you're tired of being stubborn, let me know. I have free hands to carry that." I am not God. I have zero control over any of this. The only thing I can do is give it to God and ask Him to carry it and me wherever He wants. The great thing about it is that He doesn't mind my asking. As a matter of fact, He wants me to ask. Yes, I'm struggling, but I'm trusting that God is going to get me through. The key for me: to rest in Him and not hop out of Hands. I want a job... I really do. But, during this time, I don't want to squander what God has for me. I will continue to pray for favor and gainful employment and ask that you do the same for me. But also, pray that I don't forget the valuable lessons that God has for me during this time.

Ahhh insecurity!

Can I just start by saying that I love my life! I love what God has done and how He has changed me into a different person from the inside out. I am blessed with a wonderful son, I own my house, I have a job, and a car and plenty of friends whom I consider family. My life is awesome!
With this in mind, there are times that I feel so insecure. Joshua is the love of my life. I never want my life to return to the way it was before him. He's growing up, about to lose his first tooth, and started kindergarten this week. I look at him maturing and I can't help but think of all of the work God had to do to bring him to this place. While I agree that all children need two parents, Joshua is definitely one that needs both a mother and father. Quite frankly, it is only by God's grace that he is still allowed to breathe!;) Those of you who are parents of children know what I mean. If you have a non-talking/walking baby, don't worry, your time is coming! But I digress...
Obviously, I'm still not married, not even close to dating, etc. Most times, this doesn't bother me. God is enough for me. I may never get married and this is OK with me. God is all I need... and yet, when I think about what I want, I want more. The other day, old thoughts started creeping back up and I wanted to go back into old habits. But, before I lost my sobriety, I went back to what I've learned in CR... I am NOT God. My thought process was unmanageable and I needed to figure out why. So, I did a mini-inventory while walking my dog. I asked God to show me what I was doing wrong that I wanted to go down these wrong paths again. I thought about sin and how someone said that we sin when we think that God is not all that He says He is... that He is not good or completely trustworthy. "Well," I thought. "This isn't true. I know God is good. Look at all of the blessings that He has given me. He is enough." And yet, I knew that I had to look deeper. I asked God to search me and shine a light on the area of my life where my thoughts and feelings were keeping me from experiencing freedom from the old ways. The HS then said, "You don't trust God in the area of relationships. You don't think that He will honor that. You allow your insecurities get in the way of God doing what He wants in your life." Hence, I fall back into old habits. That's when I realized... I'm scared for God to give me things that I ask for. I play the what if game... mostly the what if this never changes or if I'm supposed to remain single for the rest of my life. I don't think about the alternative because long ago, I focused only on that and went the other extreme where I basically told God that He owed me that. Obviously I was not in my right mind and it is by the grace of God that I am able to write today;). But, there has to be a balance... where I accept the possibility and yet stay realistic and grounded.
I wish that I could say that this pattern only occurs there but it doesn't. Work is another area where I am afraid to take risks. I HATE rejection and I do as much as I can to avoid it. Losing my job was devastating. I put myself out there with my awesome resume' and... NOTHING. Not a call or anything. A bunch of rejection emails are all that I get. So I sensibly verbally take my old job back. Never mind that I told God that I wanted a job that would pay my bills and debts. I figured that maybe He wanted me to do things differently at work. I didn't represent Him the way I wanted to and I thought that He wanted me to take a do-over. Even while I was thinking that, I'm also not feeling as excited as I thought. But, with no other offers and school starting, I'm thinking that this is it. After next year, I will try again. But on Tuesday, I got a call and went on the interview today. God showed me again that He knows what I need. I don't know whether or not I'll get the job. Prayerfully I'll find out tomorrow. But, to me, this is another example of how my insecurities and mistrust of God get in the way of my relationship with Him. Total surrender? I don't know what that looks like, but I'm a pro at partial surrender. Third example? My dad called. He lives in Newport News and they are expecting a major hurricane. So, he called to ask if my step-mother and step sister could stay with me. At first I thought he was joking because my step mother and I have quite a difficult history. While I've forgiven her, my insecurities are still there. Right now in my glorious house, I don't have air conditioning, or cable/satellite. This is fine for Joshua and me, but someone spending the night? What if they're not comfortable? What do I have to offer? My house is not clean, blah blah blah blah. But, God again reminded me: it's not about me. It's about Him. This is about building relationship. If the opportunity comes, I will accept it while frantically cleaning my house for their arrival. But, I will not apologize for my un-air conditioned house. Nor will I apologize for not having cable. Why? Because these are situations/things that God has placed in my life for a reason. Neither of them know God and this is an opportunity for me to show them God's love. The chances of them coming are slim but if they do come, I don't want my insecurities to get in the way of being used to share the Good News with them. Because through all of this, God is reminding me: It's not about me. It's about Him. Greater is HE that is in me than he that is in the world. So, I am an insecure wreck and yet, God is using my weaknesses to show me His greatness. I love the upside down kingdom.

Just Breathe

I love my life... Seriously I do. Even though my life is in turmoil, God is so present that I'm OK with it most of the time. I have to find a new job but this was not a surprise to God. The funny thing is that He's been preparing me for this for a while. I feel calm and peaceful about it and that's really cool... OK I had one day of self loathing and pity party but by the end of the day, I wasn't feeling that way at all because I knew that something better was coming. God has definitely taught me that His currency always balances out regardless of the circumstances and that if I put Him first, He's going to take care of me. It may not be how I want it done and it usually is not my way... but in the end, His way is always better than mine. I don't know what's next but I know it's better which is cool because despite my last several postings, I love my job 90% of the time. My students are awesome and I've enjoyed watching them grow. What a blessing! I tell you...

Step study is going well and I am amazed each and every week by those women who are committed to healing and wanting to be whole before God. It's difficult because I'm not the most gracious person (in my mind anyway) and yet, God has truly impressed upon me how being slow to speak is so much more beneficial! It's taken a very long time but I'm getting there slowly but surely.

Home life is still going on day by day. By the look of my house, I'm still stressed (I say this as my feet are covered with clothes that I have to fold and put away and my house needs sweeping and mopping...) I don't quite know the angst I'm feeling but I'm praying that God will help me figure it out as I know the signs. I see myself escaping in benign activities like playing on my computer or watching TV trying to escape thinking about things around me although at times I don't quite know what I'm trying to avoid. I know what's bothering me lately though. My son's bio mom is back in town and I think that I'm allowing my own fears float around unwarranted in my brain. I know that it is Satan trying ever so hard to get to me and I'm fighting it believe me. But part of me still wonders, "What if?" In some ways, I could say that this is a rational fear, right? I mean adoption is not final and she could change her mind. I had a false belief that proximity would keep her from changing it but the truth is this is always a possibility until the papers are signed. Love is such a scary thing. It makes me so vulnerable and it is this that keeps me on my knees before God. My son is awesome and the thought of not having him is so painful I can't breathe. I don't know what I would do without a Joshua story. What a stinker! He's taught me that I have an anger problem, he's magnified my control issues and my insecurities about myself. He's embarrassed me in more ways that I care to count and has scared me more in certain situations than I have ever been scared in my life! But the thought of not having to outsmart my five year old sounds boring. He's come such a long way and I know that it is nothing that I've done, it's God. I don't want to play the What if soundtrack because I know better. But, God didn't say that using the tools that I've learned would be easy. I'm always having to go back to that first step... I'm not God. My life is unmanageable with me in control. But more than that, I have to remember that this IS my son. God IS going to come through not just because of all of the awesome things that have happened over the past five and a half years but because He never goes back on a promise. So, this is me living one day and moment at a time choosing to live in obedience and trust in the God of Peace because I know that He's got it under control. Speculation gets me nowhere. I just have to breathe... and know that in spite of what I'm feeling on the inside, I have a loving God who is taking care of me and Joshua and the situation. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, one moment at a time... accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.... I know Father that in spite of everything that I am feeling inside, they are just feelings and not reality. I know that You know what's going to happen and I trust You. You are my Everlasting God and even when I am weary, You never are. Help me to come to You as You are my comforter and provider. You know what is best and regardless of what I feel, my worries are not reality. You are. Help me to remember that and thank You for wanting a relationship with me. One moment at a time is all that I have to do... Breathe:)

Attitude Reflects Leadership; Captain.

Today was horrible! SERIOUSLY PEOPLE! I went into work crying because I didn't want to be there. To make it worse, all of us were having a bad day and we were just plain old grumpy. I go to pick up my son after work and he's grumpy too so I just send him to bed. I mean, how dare he mirror my grumpiness? Who does he think he is?
Then, I have to get ready for step study. But, God just tells me to be still and pray. I start out complaining but then God reminds me of principle one of CR: Realize that I am NOT God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. I realized that I've been spending the past two weeks trying to control things. No wonder I'm feeling that I'm not good enough. It's true. On my own, I'm not good enough. My life is unmanageable but this is because instead of living in the reality that I am not in control of the people around me, I'm trying to plug up all the holes in my job with silly putty. There's water everywhere and I'm trying to figure out why I'm all wet! Then I'm asking God to bless MY efforts to "do better". I cannot control my supervisor, the parents or the students. I can't fix them, heal them, make them behave or make them think rationally. Unfortunately, I forgot that even though "I have a desire to do what is good, I can't carry that out." So, I'm spinning my wheels and getting frustrated that I'm not going anywhere. But, then God pointed out to me that I'm not innocent in this and that I have a part to play. I'm not putting Him in my thoughts at work... not really. I mean, I listen to music and pod casts and even pray the Serenity prayer but not because I meant it; but more because I thought that if I did, God would fix it. I was seeking God's hand and not seeking His face. The humbling thing is that despite my blindness to myself, He still used me this week and let me see His goodness and mercy. Why He does this is simply so that His glory can shine and has nothing to do with me. He put me in my place today and I could not be more thrilled. He pulled me out of my own pity party and showed me that it's not about me. It's about Him. So, I was able to go through step study with a lighter heart than I've had for a while. These character defects that are affecting my work performance definitely do need addressing. I don't want to just "do better". God created me for so much more than that! I want to serve at work in a way that there can be no discussion or argument that whatever I do I'm doing for God's glory. That family is not going anywhere. As much as I wish it were so. My supervisor may not make a miraculous conversion and care about how she treats people whom she is leading but again, why am I expecting her to do something that I can't do myself? Today, one saying has been in my mind. It came from Remember the Titans. "Attitude reflects leadership; Captain." Basically, because of her attitude and leadership, I erroneously thought that I don't have to rise above. I am only going to go as far as she is willing to go. But, God reminded me that I am a member of the upside down kingdom. I don't have a ceiling. I have a calling. That is to serve Him regardless of my circumstances. Attitude reflects leadership?

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God,did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! Philippians 2: 1-8.

In order to find the calm in the storm and the peace that passes all understanding, my attitude has to reflect my Leader. I've been struggling because my attitude is reflective of my human earthly leader (who does know God). I was not seeing the big picture! Look at vs. 12-18: Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me. I want that! But, for that to happen, I have to give up my own ideas and expectations and humble myself to the point to where I have made myself nothing so that Christ can be my everything.
After this epiphany, I had to apologize to my son. Talk about humbling! I HATE apologizing to him. He's obnoxious about it. Our conversations go something like this:
Me: Joshua, I'm sorry that I was a grumpy pants. I was wrong. You didn't deserve the way I treated you.
Joshua: You're right, mommy. I didn't deserve it. I was like, "I didn't deserve that."
At this point, I usually want to take the apology and shove it where the sun don't shine. But, I did apologize. Granted, I woke him from sleep (I'm a good mom, right) so that I could resolve it right away AND so that he's too tired to make an obnoxious comment. It's a win-win, right? No? Well... I guess I still have some work to do... But, in the meantime, I'm choosing to have a different attitude at work. It's not about me but I do need to have a good look in the mirror and see where I'm putting me before Him at work. I want the junk out so that He can come in. I want my attitude to actually reflect Leadership. We'll see if I can actually deliver tomorrow...

notenough

It has been such a tough couple of weeks at work and school! I love my job but lately, it's had to be a choice to love it rather than just out of the wellspring like in the past. There are some families who are really tough to deal with and it seems that they keep pointing out things that I am doing wrong. So, then I get called in and told the things that they reported and then reprimanded. Sort of a "Yes, they're difficult, but you're not doing enough" types of conversations. It sucks! The thing about it is that I'm doing the best that I know how to do and it's discouraging because it seems like no matter what I do, I can't win. I'm not saying I'm perfect or anything... far from it. Believe me, I know that full well and yet, there is no acknowledgment or encouragement of the positive things that I've tried. Today, it was more about accusation. I try to make the changes but even with those it's still not right. It's not enough. My supervisor even though I'm trying to show her grace being that she's new to the position doesn't know how to encourage or just listen. Just wants to point out my many faults and then tell me to do better. Not helpful, just empty words to my hurting, discouraged heart... and this is really what I'm feeling. Discouraged.

The good thing is that I know that this is just a season. Things won't be like this forever. My God loves me and He knew how discouraged I was feeling (and still feel). So, He's given me CR to encourage me. He's put me in a place to listen to women's hearts as they share their hurts, habits and hang ups. We had 19 in the large group on Sunday and I got to be a part of that! He's given me a step study to co-lead. While it's been tough and many will not finish the journey, being a part of that has shown me where I was and where He wants to take me. I love my step study ladies and they have been a blessing as they've blessed me. He's also given me wonderful women to sponsor. What a wonderful and humbling journey. On Monday, I was blessed to see the growth of a woman who is well into her golden years. She should be sponsoring me with her vast wisdom and yet, in God's upside down kingdom, I get the privilege of helping her through her journey. On Tuesday I get the privilege of sponsoring another woman and while she has a lot going on, it's such a joy to see how God is moving in her life. Wednesdays, I sponsor a true friend who has had a spiritual awakening and even though I've known her for over two years, it brings tears to my eyes to listen to her talk about the awesome God we serve. I find her so refreshing and such a joy. All three of these women are teaching me about what it means to live in community and to use the gifts that God has given to give back to others. So, at work, I was discouraged. But God reminded me that I don't need to be downcast. Before I started blogging, I checked my verse for the day. How I missed this earlier, only God knows but this is what it said:
“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12 Could the timing be more perfect? He is an on time God who is the Great Encourager. He reminded me of this one simple and yet profound fact:
Greater is He that is in me than he that is in my classroom.

One Day

This has been a hard couple of weeks and it doesn't look like it's going to get any easier... Today and tomorrow my chant will be... living one day at a time... one MOMENT at a time. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Regardless of what is going on externally, internally, I will trust in God because only He knows what will happen next.

Confessions of a self indulgent mother...

This has been a hard weekend for me. My son is sick and today I found out that he has the flu and bronchitis. Yesterday and the day before, he was still at the running and jumping-gotta-get-him-to-rest phase. Today, he was pitifully listless. No school for either of us and probably not going to happen until Wednesday if all goes well. To be quite honest, I'm going crazy at home. While I love my son and have enjoyed the snuggle time, I haven't talked to any adult besides my mother, sister, and work since Friday. I would hear crickets if it weren't so cold outside. When the Doc said that he may not go back to school until next week, I almost cried. Mostly for feeling guilty about crying not about my sick son, but about my selfish what about me attitude. If you know me you know how truly scatter-brained I am. Needless to say, my lesson plans were not good and so I was scolded (firmly yet gently) for that and so that just adds on to the pile of self loathing. I do not like myself in this state. But, God is so here! I have choices and this is what makes this different from times before. Yes, I went there at times, but I've also decided not to stay there.I've prayed the Serenity Prayer more times today and yesterday than I can count. It's been so helpful.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change I can't change that my son is sick. I can't change that I'm at home bored. I can't change being a single parent doing this alone. I can't change my brain make-up.
The courage to change the things I can My lesson plans were horrid. So, I can go to work and make up new ones and over prepare. I can communicate better and ask for feedback without slipping into defensive excuse making mode. I can apologize and improve. I can take this time and dedicate it to God.
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time...
One moment at a time...
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.. While I feel like my life right now is chaotic, I know that this isn't going to last forever. Besides, it's not about me. In the big span of things, this is just a day... a blip and things will return to normal. It may be Wednesday, it may not be until the weekend but this too will pass until the next crisis:)
Taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it is; not as I would have it. My choice: Back to my own schedule and routine where I know what's coming next.
Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your Will. Joshua WILL get better. I simply need to ask God what He wants me to learn from this experience.
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life He is a cute sick little boy... Actually he's on his best behavior when he's ill. His brain power is spent healing, not thinking up evil plots to kill me before I'm 35... or to die before his 6th birthday...
And supremely happy with You forever in the next...
So glad that I have the tools now to move forward and not backward:) While I feel that this was a silly, pitiful post, I do feel better.

Mommy's Bragging Rights

I love my son and our growth together. I can't believe that over 2 years ago I took in this hurting, traumatized child who didn't have any discipline without full knowledge of what I was getting into. We have had so many temper tantrums that I have lost count. There have been times when I had to walk away from my son's room with him screaming inside while repeating the words, "I love my son, I chose my son..." etc. These have become less and less frequent as he has become stronger and stronger. He is so smart. While I've always known this it is nice to have the documentation to back it up. His IQ score? 122 although I think that's a little low. He was also tested for school readiness and tested out at the ninth month of kindergarten. It's amazing! He's actually making it through school with fewer problems than ever before. It's not perfect though.My son stole from his school. He then lied about it. I know this doesn't sound like a good story right now... He's only stolen once before and I gave him the same consequence. Today, he had a horrible day at school. While I don't know all of the details, I do know that it was really bad. Later we had therapy and he talked about how wrong stealing was. When we got in the car, we talked about it like we always did and usually he talks about the consequences that he's received. It's always external. But today, as we were processing, he said that he was mad at himself for making a bad decision. This is the first time that he's said this. Talk about relief! It was such a great conversation and one that I've been waiting for. That internal conscience! God is good. In other news, we have our home study on Monday. YAY GOD!:)

You'll be hearing from my lawyer!

OK... not really. Heck, I actually need to call my lawyer... So, I'm going through with the adoption. I'm really excited and scared. I know it sounds sort of stupid but adoption makes everything so... real. I know he's my son and all. No doubt about it. But adoption means that there really is no turning back. I'm ready for that change but it doesn't make it any less scary. God has definitely put me here "for such a time as this". I look back at this journey and I can't believe all of the wonderful things that God has done in the past almost 5 years of my life. I was talking to a friend of mine and this is what I wrote:

Thank you for your prayers, I'll continue to need them:) Yes, God did know. Who knew that almost 5 years ago when I threw a baby shower for [his biological mother] that it would be for my own son? Or when she called me to ask if she should let him be adopted by the people in California that it would be because God had ordained it for me to raise him and not the other family? Sometimes I look back at all of the complaining I did and my "plan" for my life and laugh. Technically, God answered my prayer. I said that I wanted to start having children around 27 or 28. Technically, I did. I just didn't have to carry him or birth him myself. I still want biological children and a husband, but seeing how God has worked has really given me perspective. I don't worry about those things or nag about them because if God can do something like this, who knows what other things he has for me? In the words of the story that Woody likes to tell, I know that God is fond of me.

I often have to remind myself of God insights like this when he's screaming like a wild child because he didn't get his way. Like last week: He was upset because he lied even though I warned him that if he lied to me that he would go to bed. He of course lied and I sent him to bed. So, the tantrum began. 20 minutes later, I go up and remind him that his tantrum does no good, and that he's just wasting his time. I close the door and go downstairs. A minute later, he stops screaming that he wants to get up and take a bath and is now screaming, "I WANT MY TIME BACK!!!!" I don't know where he got that from... he's so dramatic!;)



I can't believe he'll be 5 in a little over a month. FIVE!!! Seriously? Next year, he'll start Kindergarten (I'm already praying for his poor teacher) and it'll be all over. Where did the time go? Yesterday, we played football (OK... I just tackled him over and over) and it was such a sweet time of memories. He's such a funny character although just between you and me... a little weird as well... OK quirky. He's like an 80 year old man in a 4 year old's body. He makes sure that no one will forget him and couldn't be a wall flower if he wanted to... no matter how pale he is... He'll find a way to upstage anyone with his bobbing eyebrows and break dancing. Anyway, I could brag about him all day or night:) Here's a picture from a friend's wedding. I don't know what he's doing, but at least I look good;)

Insecurity

Friday my school took a field trip to Monticello and Montpelier for Constitution day. It was a great day and the kids did a terrific job. I was so proud of how they listened and behaved even though it was hot and not everything was a blast. The kids were great... unfortunately, one of my coworkers sent me back into de ja vu. Those of you who know me know my struggles with insecurity especially insecurity that comes from social relationships. Between my ADD and my social history growing up with being picked on a bullied, this has really been a challenge coming to terms and accepting that I'm important and valued. This is not new. Many people have struggled like I have. It's probably one of the only things that everyone has in common... feeling that they matter and are valued... but I digress.

I have a coworker who is one of those extra care required people. You know the ones I'm talking about... they're constantly negative with nothing good to say. You see them coming and you look for the closest exit? Yes, I can see you saying their names right now. Well, I have one of those at my job. I like this person and all as I work with her daily, and yet, she's a really negative person. Lately, she's taken a bit of a turn and her negativity is not just centered at herself, she's negatively attacking me. She called me out in front of the students and basically said that I was incompetent when it came to classroom management. Unfortunately, the whole school was listening as well as some parents as it was on a field trip. The whole trip was like that except there were some times when she would joke and act like all was fine and dandy then the next minute, another insult. I completely felt like I was back in middle school! It was so horrible and no one spoke up... including me. I didn't know what to do. I finished the trip and left early due to a massive headache caused by the fact that I hadn't had my coffee or any caffeine that day. But, the Holy Spirit kept telling me that I needed to confront her about her behaviors. We (the HS and I) battled for most of the day. But, in the end, I emailed her. When I finished reading it over for the umpteenth time, I sent it off. I know it's not going to be pretty, but one thing that I learned in CR is that my codependent habit of trying to keep the peace doesn't work. Stuffing my anger doesn't work. So, I let it out and even though I'm scared out of my gourd because I know that there is going to be some push back, I'm proud of myself for standing up to a bully. I think it's a shame I have to do that as an adult and quite frankly, I often wonder WHY I'm special enough to get to experience this social pleasure. I swear I have a sign on me somewhere that says "pick me! pick me!"... OK... I know that's not true;) but that's how it feels. A complete flashback to childhood... *sigh* it's a good thing I'm in CR.

Vacation, vacation, vacation

I don't know about you, but I love vacations. They are so relaxing and with the right one, you don't have to cook or clean! I went with my mother, sister, cousin, and bro-in law on a cruise to Bermuda. It was so much fun!
And yet, I get so intimidated around them. For one thing, it's back to talking over everyone and being judgmental. No lie-- we walked out of a restaurant on a ship because my sister was having a conniption over a little boy drinking coffee. Now, I'm not saying that's right... I mean who thinks that giving an 8 year old coffee is a great idea? But on the flip side, we give them soda and tea with caffeine. Culturally, other countries are no different. Also, the kid was on vacation! Everyone knows that a vacation is a time where we all eat like we don't normally do so, and drink things that we normally don't drink, and never sleep. There were kids everywhere who stayed up all hours of the night because they were on VACATION. And yet, my family-- as much as I love them talked and judged the whole time. But, that's my family. It's what they do and it puts me in such a foul mood sometimes. It was nice to get away, but I didn't want to hear about them judging others over and over again over their vacation life. I finally stood up for some of the parents pointing out that on vacation, the rules are different. It may not be how we raise our kids, but that's the point. They sort of cooled down a little after that, but not by much.
Also, all of them think that they know more than I do which is absolutely annoying. I know I'm no Einstein, but give me a little credit. My bro-in-law actually told me to my face that he's smarter (how humble, right) not knowing that this was one of the worse things he could have said to a person who's struggled her whole life. But this is how it is with my family. This didn't encompass the whole vacation and only accounted for about 10% of it, so don't get me wrong. I'm actually more mad at myself because during this whole thing, I lost sight of who I was and allowed myself to be pulled in. This type of behavior could have cost me my sobriety (although I didn't let it). We didn't talk about God except in cases of judging others and I did nothing to change the conversation except for that one time. The funny thing is that before I left there was a church bulletin that is a pretty popular bulletin for summer which says, "God doesn't take a vacation from you." I laughed until this week because now, I'm not in a good place because I forgot who I was. God doesn't take a vacation from me but I didn't quite take Him with me on vacation. I'm glad to be back home. While vacation is fun, so is being supported and surrounded by people who love me and want to lift me and others up. I'm very thankful for them and for their constant pushing me towards God. I'm excited about the presence of God in my life and am thankful for the chance to come back with new energy towards pursuing Him.

Let th countdown begin

So, in less than a week, I'll be on my way to the bahamas... or bermuda... I still can't remember which one... Just looked at the ticket... It's Bermuda. ANYWAY, I'm overwhelmed about all of the things I need to get done. Packing, cleaning (because my mother taught me to never leave for a trip without a clean house), then more cleaning, printing out information, having nightmares of forgetting something, you know... the usual. Meanwhile, I want this to be a great week for me and my son although it's not exactly working that way. I think we're both overwhelmed and anxious. Him because I'll be gone for a week, me because I'll be gone for a week and I have several lists that I have to complete before leaving. I'm really looking forward to quality adult/no kids time although I know between me and Tamara, we'll probably talk about the kids the whole time. Looking forward to sleeping in without bright blue eyes scaring me awake while holding his crotch telling me that he has to pee... or telling me how beautiful I am just so that he won't get in trouble... Yep... gonna miss him...

This is going to be quite a week. Hopefully Joshua and I will be able to calm ourselves down long enough to enjoy each other while having free or inexpensive fun. We'll see, right?