Attitude Reflects Leadership; Captain.

Today was horrible! SERIOUSLY PEOPLE! I went into work crying because I didn't want to be there. To make it worse, all of us were having a bad day and we were just plain old grumpy. I go to pick up my son after work and he's grumpy too so I just send him to bed. I mean, how dare he mirror my grumpiness? Who does he think he is?
Then, I have to get ready for step study. But, God just tells me to be still and pray. I start out complaining but then God reminds me of principle one of CR: Realize that I am NOT God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. I realized that I've been spending the past two weeks trying to control things. No wonder I'm feeling that I'm not good enough. It's true. On my own, I'm not good enough. My life is unmanageable but this is because instead of living in the reality that I am not in control of the people around me, I'm trying to plug up all the holes in my job with silly putty. There's water everywhere and I'm trying to figure out why I'm all wet! Then I'm asking God to bless MY efforts to "do better". I cannot control my supervisor, the parents or the students. I can't fix them, heal them, make them behave or make them think rationally. Unfortunately, I forgot that even though "I have a desire to do what is good, I can't carry that out." So, I'm spinning my wheels and getting frustrated that I'm not going anywhere. But, then God pointed out to me that I'm not innocent in this and that I have a part to play. I'm not putting Him in my thoughts at work... not really. I mean, I listen to music and pod casts and even pray the Serenity prayer but not because I meant it; but more because I thought that if I did, God would fix it. I was seeking God's hand and not seeking His face. The humbling thing is that despite my blindness to myself, He still used me this week and let me see His goodness and mercy. Why He does this is simply so that His glory can shine and has nothing to do with me. He put me in my place today and I could not be more thrilled. He pulled me out of my own pity party and showed me that it's not about me. It's about Him. So, I was able to go through step study with a lighter heart than I've had for a while. These character defects that are affecting my work performance definitely do need addressing. I don't want to just "do better". God created me for so much more than that! I want to serve at work in a way that there can be no discussion or argument that whatever I do I'm doing for God's glory. That family is not going anywhere. As much as I wish it were so. My supervisor may not make a miraculous conversion and care about how she treats people whom she is leading but again, why am I expecting her to do something that I can't do myself? Today, one saying has been in my mind. It came from Remember the Titans. "Attitude reflects leadership; Captain." Basically, because of her attitude and leadership, I erroneously thought that I don't have to rise above. I am only going to go as far as she is willing to go. But, God reminded me that I am a member of the upside down kingdom. I don't have a ceiling. I have a calling. That is to serve Him regardless of my circumstances. Attitude reflects leadership?

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God,did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! Philippians 2: 1-8.

In order to find the calm in the storm and the peace that passes all understanding, my attitude has to reflect my Leader. I've been struggling because my attitude is reflective of my human earthly leader (who does know God). I was not seeing the big picture! Look at vs. 12-18: Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me. I want that! But, for that to happen, I have to give up my own ideas and expectations and humble myself to the point to where I have made myself nothing so that Christ can be my everything.
After this epiphany, I had to apologize to my son. Talk about humbling! I HATE apologizing to him. He's obnoxious about it. Our conversations go something like this:
Me: Joshua, I'm sorry that I was a grumpy pants. I was wrong. You didn't deserve the way I treated you.
Joshua: You're right, mommy. I didn't deserve it. I was like, "I didn't deserve that."
At this point, I usually want to take the apology and shove it where the sun don't shine. But, I did apologize. Granted, I woke him from sleep (I'm a good mom, right) so that I could resolve it right away AND so that he's too tired to make an obnoxious comment. It's a win-win, right? No? Well... I guess I still have some work to do... But, in the meantime, I'm choosing to have a different attitude at work. It's not about me but I do need to have a good look in the mirror and see where I'm putting me before Him at work. I want the junk out so that He can come in. I want my attitude to actually reflect Leadership. We'll see if I can actually deliver tomorrow...