Friday, December 10, 2010
Mommy's Bragging Rights
I love my son and our growth together. I can't believe that over 2 years ago I took in this hurting, traumatized child who didn't have any discipline without full knowledge of what I was getting into. We have had so many temper tantrums that I have lost count. There have been times when I had to walk away from my son's room with him screaming inside while repeating the words, "I love my son, I chose my son..." etc. These have become less and less frequent as he has become stronger and stronger. He is so smart. While I've always known this it is nice to have the documentation to back it up. His IQ score? 122 although I think that's a little low. He was also tested for school readiness and tested out at the ninth month of kindergarten. It's amazing! He's actually making it through school with fewer problems than ever before. It's not perfect though.My son stole from his school. He then lied about it. I know this doesn't sound like a good story right now... He's only stolen once before and I gave him the same consequence. Today, he had a horrible day at school. While I don't know all of the details, I do know that it was really bad. Later we had therapy and he talked about how wrong stealing was. When we got in the car, we talked about it like we always did and usually he talks about the consequences that he's received. It's always external. But today, as we were processing, he said that he was mad at himself for making a bad decision. This is the first time that he's said this. Talk about relief! It was such a great conversation and one that I've been waiting for. That internal conscience! God is good. In other news, we have our home study on Monday. YAY GOD!:)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
You'll be hearing from my lawyer!
OK... not really. Heck, I actually need to call my lawyer... So, I'm going through with the adoption. I'm really excited and scared. I know it sounds sort of stupid but adoption makes everything so... real. I know he's my son and all. No doubt about it. But adoption means that there really is no turning back. I'm ready for that change but it doesn't make it any less scary. God has definitely put me here "for such a time as this". I look back at this journey and I can't believe all of the wonderful things that God has done in the past almost 5 years of my life. I was talking to a friend of mine and this is what I wrote:
Thank you for your prayers, I'll continue to need them:) Yes, God did know. Who knew that almost 5 years ago when I threw a baby shower for [his biological mother] that it would be for my own son? Or when she called me to ask if she should let him be adopted by the people in California that it would be because God had ordained it for me to raise him and not the other family? Sometimes I look back at all of the complaining I did and my "plan" for my life and laugh. Technically, God answered my prayer. I said that I wanted to start having children around 27 or 28. Technically, I did. I just didn't have to carry him or birth him myself. I still want biological children and a husband, but seeing how God has worked has really given me perspective. I don't worry about those things or nag about them because if God can do something like this, who knows what other things he has for me? In the words of the story that Woody likes to tell, I know that God is fond of me.
I often have to remind myself of God insights like this when he's screaming like a wild child because he didn't get his way. Like last week: He was upset because he lied even though I warned him that if he lied to me that he would go to bed. He of course lied and I sent him to bed. So, the tantrum began. 20 minutes later, I go up and remind him that his tantrum does no good, and that he's just wasting his time. I close the door and go downstairs. A minute later, he stops screaming that he wants to get up and take a bath and is now screaming, "I WANT MY TIME BACK!!!!" I don't know where he got that from... he's so dramatic!;)
I can't believe he'll be 5 in a little over a month. FIVE!!! Seriously? Next year, he'll start Kindergarten (I'm already praying for his poor teacher) and it'll be all over. Where did the time go? Yesterday, we played football (OK... I just tackled him over and over) and it was such a sweet time of memories. He's such a funny character although just between you and me... a little weird as well... OK quirky. He's like an 80 year old man in a 4 year old's body. He makes sure that no one will forget him and couldn't be a wall flower if he wanted to... no matter how pale he is... He'll find a way to upstage anyone with his bobbing eyebrows and break dancing. Anyway, I could brag about him all day or night:) Here's a picture from a friend's wedding. I don't know what he's doing, but at least I look good;)
Thank you for your prayers, I'll continue to need them:) Yes, God did know. Who knew that almost 5 years ago when I threw a baby shower for [his biological mother] that it would be for my own son? Or when she called me to ask if she should let him be adopted by the people in California that it would be because God had ordained it for me to raise him and not the other family? Sometimes I look back at all of the complaining I did and my "plan" for my life and laugh. Technically, God answered my prayer. I said that I wanted to start having children around 27 or 28. Technically, I did. I just didn't have to carry him or birth him myself. I still want biological children and a husband, but seeing how God has worked has really given me perspective. I don't worry about those things or nag about them because if God can do something like this, who knows what other things he has for me? In the words of the story that Woody likes to tell, I know that God is fond of me.
I often have to remind myself of God insights like this when he's screaming like a wild child because he didn't get his way. Like last week: He was upset because he lied even though I warned him that if he lied to me that he would go to bed. He of course lied and I sent him to bed. So, the tantrum began. 20 minutes later, I go up and remind him that his tantrum does no good, and that he's just wasting his time. I close the door and go downstairs. A minute later, he stops screaming that he wants to get up and take a bath and is now screaming, "I WANT MY TIME BACK!!!!" I don't know where he got that from... he's so dramatic!;)
I can't believe he'll be 5 in a little over a month. FIVE!!! Seriously? Next year, he'll start Kindergarten (I'm already praying for his poor teacher) and it'll be all over. Where did the time go? Yesterday, we played football (OK... I just tackled him over and over) and it was such a sweet time of memories. He's such a funny character although just between you and me... a little weird as well... OK quirky. He's like an 80 year old man in a 4 year old's body. He makes sure that no one will forget him and couldn't be a wall flower if he wanted to... no matter how pale he is... He'll find a way to upstage anyone with his bobbing eyebrows and break dancing. Anyway, I could brag about him all day or night:) Here's a picture from a friend's wedding. I don't know what he's doing, but at least I look good;)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Insecurity
Friday my school took a field trip to Monticello and Montpelier for Constitution day. It was a great day and the kids did a terrific job. I was so proud of how they listened and behaved even though it was hot and not everything was a blast. The kids were great... unfortunately, one of my coworkers sent me back into de ja vu. Those of you who know me know my struggles with insecurity especially insecurity that comes from social relationships. Between my ADD and my social history growing up with being picked on a bullied, this has really been a challenge coming to terms and accepting that I'm important and valued. This is not new. Many people have struggled like I have. It's probably one of the only things that everyone has in common... feeling that they matter and are valued... but I digress.
I have a coworker who is one of those extra care required people. You know the ones I'm talking about... they're constantly negative with nothing good to say. You see them coming and you look for the closest exit? Yes, I can see you saying their names right now. Well, I have one of those at my job. I like this person and all as I work with her daily, and yet, she's a really negative person. Lately, she's taken a bit of a turn and her negativity is not just centered at herself, she's negatively attacking me. She called me out in front of the students and basically said that I was incompetent when it came to classroom management. Unfortunately, the whole school was listening as well as some parents as it was on a field trip. The whole trip was like that except there were some times when she would joke and act like all was fine and dandy then the next minute, another insult. I completely felt like I was back in middle school! It was so horrible and no one spoke up... including me. I didn't know what to do. I finished the trip and left early due to a massive headache caused by the fact that I hadn't had my coffee or any caffeine that day. But, the Holy Spirit kept telling me that I needed to confront her about her behaviors. We (the HS and I) battled for most of the day. But, in the end, I emailed her. When I finished reading it over for the umpteenth time, I sent it off. I know it's not going to be pretty, but one thing that I learned in CR is that my codependent habit of trying to keep the peace doesn't work. Stuffing my anger doesn't work. So, I let it out and even though I'm scared out of my gourd because I know that there is going to be some push back, I'm proud of myself for standing up to a bully. I think it's a shame I have to do that as an adult and quite frankly, I often wonder WHY I'm special enough to get to experience this social pleasure. I swear I have a sign on me somewhere that says "pick me! pick me!"... OK... I know that's not true;) but that's how it feels. A complete flashback to childhood... *sigh* it's a good thing I'm in CR.
I have a coworker who is one of those extra care required people. You know the ones I'm talking about... they're constantly negative with nothing good to say. You see them coming and you look for the closest exit? Yes, I can see you saying their names right now. Well, I have one of those at my job. I like this person and all as I work with her daily, and yet, she's a really negative person. Lately, she's taken a bit of a turn and her negativity is not just centered at herself, she's negatively attacking me. She called me out in front of the students and basically said that I was incompetent when it came to classroom management. Unfortunately, the whole school was listening as well as some parents as it was on a field trip. The whole trip was like that except there were some times when she would joke and act like all was fine and dandy then the next minute, another insult. I completely felt like I was back in middle school! It was so horrible and no one spoke up... including me. I didn't know what to do. I finished the trip and left early due to a massive headache caused by the fact that I hadn't had my coffee or any caffeine that day. But, the Holy Spirit kept telling me that I needed to confront her about her behaviors. We (the HS and I) battled for most of the day. But, in the end, I emailed her. When I finished reading it over for the umpteenth time, I sent it off. I know it's not going to be pretty, but one thing that I learned in CR is that my codependent habit of trying to keep the peace doesn't work. Stuffing my anger doesn't work. So, I let it out and even though I'm scared out of my gourd because I know that there is going to be some push back, I'm proud of myself for standing up to a bully. I think it's a shame I have to do that as an adult and quite frankly, I often wonder WHY I'm special enough to get to experience this social pleasure. I swear I have a sign on me somewhere that says "pick me! pick me!"... OK... I know that's not true;) but that's how it feels. A complete flashback to childhood... *sigh* it's a good thing I'm in CR.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Vacation, vacation, vacation
I don't know about you, but I love vacations. They are so relaxing and with the right one, you don't have to cook or clean! I went with my mother, sister, cousin, and bro-in law on a cruise to Bermuda. It was so much fun!
And yet, I get so intimidated around them. For one thing, it's back to talking over everyone and being judgmental. No lie-- we walked out of a restaurant on a ship because my sister was having a conniption over a little boy drinking coffee. Now, I'm not saying that's right... I mean who thinks that giving an 8 year old coffee is a great idea? But on the flip side, we give them soda and tea with caffeine. Culturally, other countries are no different. Also, the kid was on vacation! Everyone knows that a vacation is a time where we all eat like we don't normally do so, and drink things that we normally don't drink, and never sleep. There were kids everywhere who stayed up all hours of the night because they were on VACATION. And yet, my family-- as much as I love them talked and judged the whole time. But, that's my family. It's what they do and it puts me in such a foul mood sometimes. It was nice to get away, but I didn't want to hear about them judging others over and over again over their vacation life. I finally stood up for some of the parents pointing out that on vacation, the rules are different. It may not be how we raise our kids, but that's the point. They sort of cooled down a little after that, but not by much.
Also, all of them think that they know more than I do which is absolutely annoying. I know I'm no Einstein, but give me a little credit. My bro-in-law actually told me to my face that he's smarter (how humble, right) not knowing that this was one of the worse things he could have said to a person who's struggled her whole life. But this is how it is with my family. This didn't encompass the whole vacation and only accounted for about 10% of it, so don't get me wrong. I'm actually more mad at myself because during this whole thing, I lost sight of who I was and allowed myself to be pulled in. This type of behavior could have cost me my sobriety (although I didn't let it). We didn't talk about God except in cases of judging others and I did nothing to change the conversation except for that one time. The funny thing is that before I left there was a church bulletin that is a pretty popular bulletin for summer which says, "God doesn't take a vacation from you." I laughed until this week because now, I'm not in a good place because I forgot who I was. God doesn't take a vacation from me but I didn't quite take Him with me on vacation. I'm glad to be back home. While vacation is fun, so is being supported and surrounded by people who love me and want to lift me and others up. I'm very thankful for them and for their constant pushing me towards God. I'm excited about the presence of God in my life and am thankful for the chance to come back with new energy towards pursuing Him.
And yet, I get so intimidated around them. For one thing, it's back to talking over everyone and being judgmental. No lie-- we walked out of a restaurant on a ship because my sister was having a conniption over a little boy drinking coffee. Now, I'm not saying that's right... I mean who thinks that giving an 8 year old coffee is a great idea? But on the flip side, we give them soda and tea with caffeine. Culturally, other countries are no different. Also, the kid was on vacation! Everyone knows that a vacation is a time where we all eat like we don't normally do so, and drink things that we normally don't drink, and never sleep. There were kids everywhere who stayed up all hours of the night because they were on VACATION. And yet, my family-- as much as I love them talked and judged the whole time. But, that's my family. It's what they do and it puts me in such a foul mood sometimes. It was nice to get away, but I didn't want to hear about them judging others over and over again over their vacation life. I finally stood up for some of the parents pointing out that on vacation, the rules are different. It may not be how we raise our kids, but that's the point. They sort of cooled down a little after that, but not by much.
Also, all of them think that they know more than I do which is absolutely annoying. I know I'm no Einstein, but give me a little credit. My bro-in-law actually told me to my face that he's smarter (how humble, right) not knowing that this was one of the worse things he could have said to a person who's struggled her whole life. But this is how it is with my family. This didn't encompass the whole vacation and only accounted for about 10% of it, so don't get me wrong. I'm actually more mad at myself because during this whole thing, I lost sight of who I was and allowed myself to be pulled in. This type of behavior could have cost me my sobriety (although I didn't let it). We didn't talk about God except in cases of judging others and I did nothing to change the conversation except for that one time. The funny thing is that before I left there was a church bulletin that is a pretty popular bulletin for summer which says, "God doesn't take a vacation from you." I laughed until this week because now, I'm not in a good place because I forgot who I was. God doesn't take a vacation from me but I didn't quite take Him with me on vacation. I'm glad to be back home. While vacation is fun, so is being supported and surrounded by people who love me and want to lift me and others up. I'm very thankful for them and for their constant pushing me towards God. I'm excited about the presence of God in my life and am thankful for the chance to come back with new energy towards pursuing Him.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Let th countdown begin
So, in less than a week, I'll be on my way to the bahamas... or bermuda... I still can't remember which one... Just looked at the ticket... It's Bermuda. ANYWAY, I'm overwhelmed about all of the things I need to get done. Packing, cleaning (because my mother taught me to never leave for a trip without a clean house), then more cleaning, printing out information, having nightmares of forgetting something, you know... the usual. Meanwhile, I want this to be a great week for me and my son although it's not exactly working that way. I think we're both overwhelmed and anxious. Him because I'll be gone for a week, me because I'll be gone for a week and I have several lists that I have to complete before leaving. I'm really looking forward to quality adult/no kids time although I know between me and Tamara, we'll probably talk about the kids the whole time. Looking forward to sleeping in without bright blue eyes scaring me awake while holding his crotch telling me that he has to pee... or telling me how beautiful I am just so that he won't get in trouble... Yep... gonna miss him...
This is going to be quite a week. Hopefully Joshua and I will be able to calm ourselves down long enough to enjoy each other while having free or inexpensive fun. We'll see, right?
This is going to be quite a week. Hopefully Joshua and I will be able to calm ourselves down long enough to enjoy each other while having free or inexpensive fun. We'll see, right?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Joy and Pain
Today was a pretty decent day. I was able to finish all of the paperwork at school and met with my team to discuss the students. Our students made wonderful progress and I was really proud. There is one more day left of my official school week and that's tomorrow. Then... SUMMER BREAK!!!!! YAY! One of the parents and members of the board had us over for lunch and boy was it yummy. They live in a beautiful house which is oh about 3 times the size of mine including my attic. The lunch was catered and there was a harpist playing music the whole time. It was awesome. Right before eating, the father got up and spoke about how much impact we had as educators and how much his children enjoy our school. We were already teary-eyed as he tried to hold his own tears back about the work that we do. But, then, he told us that his family was gifting all 21 teachers $500.00 each! Then we all started crying. I love generous people. The great thing is that just that morning, I was talking to God about my finances and asking for financial protection so that I can diligently be obedient this summer. This was His response. I love how He responds! Jehovah-jireh strikes again! Needless to say, we were all overwhelmed at their generosity on top of the meal and it was such a sweet time of visiting and talking with each other. It was hard to return to work after that, but somehow we managed. I left at four to pick up my wonderful son. This is where the pain occurs...
I love my son. I can't tell you how much he brings joy into my life. He's such a wonderful boy and despite his traumatic start in life, he's come a long way. As you know if you follow my blog, we've had a difficult time with child care. He has a lot of needs. I was hoping/praying that we would find a good fit for him at his current provider. It was the perfect situation. He's with one other kid and so he gets one on one attention. She has a foster daughter so she understands children with traumatic pasts.
Today, he had a few rough spots. He didn't take a nap; which is nothing new, but when he didn't listen, his babysitter cut off the TV. At that time, he threw a tantrum. Apparently, it was a doozie. When I walked in the door, the first words out of his mouth were, "I cried because I missed you." Before you say, "awwww", this was not the truth. He cried because he didn't get what he wanted. But, being my little politician, he knew that sounded better... (how smart is he?) Anyway, after the whole story came out and we were saying our goodbyes, she said, "Good luck. Let me know how it goes with him. You definitely have your hands full." Not remarkable... Here's what she didn't say: She didn't say that she's going to miss him. She didn't comment on what a good boy he is or how even though he had rough spots, he was a good listener. She didn't say that he's a lovely boy or that she loves his personality. Before I say anymore, I want to say that he's done well with her overall. He's a few tantrums there, but they were not as often as at his last preschool. He adjusted to the lack of strict structure that he would have had in a preschool program. He's a lot of work, and while I think she feels for him and maybe even feel some love for him, it's sort of like, "I see his value, but I'm not going to miss him or invite him to come back." She didn't like my son. This is so heart breaking to me. This is also familiar. This is the third caretaker who doesn't like my son. The third who doesn't appreciate the person he could be and look past the trauma and see the boy. I'm very aware of his issues, believe me; but it still surprises me. Before I go on, I would like to say that I am thankful for the work she has done with him. She's been a great babysitter and I definitely liked many of the things that she was able to do with him.
This is a very discouraging dilemma. How many people do I have to encounter until I find one that is willing to show my son compassion? How many caretakers until I find one who looks past the behaviors and sees the scared little boy? How many tears do I have to cry for him; how many prayers do I have to pray to find the right place for him? My son is so smart. He is so loving. He is so attentive. He recognizes when he's being defensive. He talks about how blow fish put their spikes out when they're scared. He makes the connection between his behavior and them or frogs or skunks and their defense mechanisms at age four! This is more than some adults I know. And yet, outside of myself and very few others, there is no compassion for him. I'm starting to become discouraged. Is there a program/person who loves kids despite their issues? All I need is one. Just ONE! I started out with a woman who had 3 other kids. That didn't work. Then, a friend stepped in and that did work, but it was temporary. (Plus she smoked...) Then, over the summer, one of my other friends watched him and that went well for him at least. But she had to go back to work. Then, I tried a Christian daycare thinking, they should be a good fit, right? Wrong. They couldn't handle his unique issues either. Now we have this person. What is a mother to do?
Now, I know that it is not a hopeless situation even though for me right now, it really does feel that way. God has already worked everything out. Public preschool is not going to be the answer this year. He didn't get in. But, I know Whom I serve and He's going to provide again. How this happens? I don't know. When this happens? Hopefully before school starts back for me in August. I trust Him completely. When I find that person/program, I'm going to jump for joy. The one thing that this has done for me is allowed me to have more compassion for my students who are like a blow fish. We have 4 of them. Because of my son, I was able to see past the behaviors and see the hurt boys. I was able to be calm and regulated because I remembered my son. This wasn't always the case, but God has been working with me on this and He is showing me what true compassion looks like. My son is a GREAT kid. He deserves to be loved and liked whether he's being a pain in the butt or not. Same with my students. God is using this to teach me and while it's a painful lesson, it's one that I'm not going to soon forget.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Experiments
My son has been diagnosed with PTSD and attachment disorder. Basically, this means that he has triggers that he reacts to that seem to set him off and he is not in his right mind. He does crazy things like throw amazing temper tantrums, whine, run away, etc. This hardly ever happens when I'm around, but when I'm not there, these things occur often. (some more often than others). I've been taking him to therapy for about a year now and it has helped him tremendously. He's a much calmer kid and at least around me he's one of the most well behaved kids I know. Unfortunately, everyday that I'm at work, I worry about what he's up to. Is he having a tantrum? Is he listening to the babysitter? When I go to pick him up, I get a knot of anxiety in my stomach about his day. Usually it starts out with... "Joshua didn't take a nap. He then..." fell of the couch, threw a fit, hit a kid, told the babysitter he wasn't going to listen, feigned illness, picked leaves off a plant... all of these things have happened. Along with this diagnosis is a child choosing to poop and pee on themselves. Today, he chose to pee on himself. When asked why, his response: "I was doing an experiment." On the one hand, I'm sure that makes you laugh. You have to admit, that's pretty darned cleaver for a 4 year old. Not so funny if you're the sitter and sitting right there and he announces that he's wet himself. He had an accident this morning while he was sleeping and I didn't make a big deal out of it so he decided he was going to do it again to get a bigger reaction. I swear sometimes, I wish I was in his brain and knew why he does this. How bizarre. We're supposed to go to the zoo and I wasn't going to take him after this incident; but God and I started talking and He said to take him anyway. The thing is, I'm not worried about him on the trip. He's going to do well and be his charming self because again, I'm there! But I can't be there all the time. I wish I had a magic wand that could solve this problem. I've tried behavioral charts, food, privileges, motivation, spanking... you name it, I've done it. And yet, when he's feeling upset and anxious, these bizarre behaviors return.
The babysitter pointed out that these sets of behaviors started happening on Tuesday... this is the day after we went to visit his half brother. He does have to adjust to the fact that his brother has been adopted. I think that he struggles with that. But, both of us mothers feel it's important for them to know that they are family and connected. There's nothing worse than not being able to fill in the pieces. I wish that he was healed enough that this wouldn't be such an issue. It makes me sad and at times, a little resigned. An experiment... geez kid. I don't think that your hypothesis was correct. The results weren't what you expected either.
The babysitter pointed out that these sets of behaviors started happening on Tuesday... this is the day after we went to visit his half brother. He does have to adjust to the fact that his brother has been adopted. I think that he struggles with that. But, both of us mothers feel it's important for them to know that they are family and connected. There's nothing worse than not being able to fill in the pieces. I wish that he was healed enough that this wouldn't be such an issue. It makes me sad and at times, a little resigned. An experiment... geez kid. I don't think that your hypothesis was correct. The results weren't what you expected either.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Me? Rich?
Anyone who knows me... truly knows me knows how disorganized I am. Anyone who knows me knows how numbers don't come easy to me. How I struggle to make ends meet in a month, how that's always been something that I don't excel at. I consider that one of my biggest weaknesses.
Another weakness is my relationships. Not so much now, but definitely before I started CR I didn't believe in total disclosure. I would talk the big talk but not really believe my own hype. Sure, you say the nice things about yourself so that people wouldn't think of you as someone with "low self esteem". Especially as a Christian, right? Anyone who knows me... really knows me knows that I struggle with many many things.
Over the past two years, God has been taking me on a journey. He's shown me that His Kingdom makes no sense whatsoever and that the things that I think of as common sense are so not. I had a great paying job teaching and yet I was miserable. I traveled over an hour one way to work and had nothing left at the end of the day but pure frustration and boredom. I bought a house because I had the money and also more importantly because God told me that it was OK. Anyone who's heard the story knows how God gave me what I wanted and then some. But, then, I stopped working at the high paying teaching job and took a much lower paying job. While I was OK financially, this definitely put a chink in my lifestyle. I took a 4,000 pay cut. That's quite painful. But, I was happy. I was doing something that I loved and learning. Then, if that weren't enough, God blessed me with Joshua. I was not so happy all the time and even though I loved being a mom, he's a hard kid. He's needy and has a lot of baggage. At the time, I didn't know quite how much and it was just so overwhelming. But, God is faithful and He gave me the support I needed to make it through that summer. In addition, I was going through CR and it helped me with many of my issues. Boy was I grateful. God took me from a place of just living and gave me abundant life. There is such a difference between the two.
Anyone who knew me then and knows me now sees what God has done. I am confident in Who He is now. I don't doubt His goodness (most of the time). I speak with His Authority because He has proven Himself in my life. It's an awesome feeling. But, I still have my issues. I struggle with being single. I struggle with being a single parent raising a child with severe emotional issues. I struggle with the fact that he may have these issues forever and never quite get over them (although in faith, I don't think this will be the case). I allow those struggles and fears to get the best of me sometimes. Recently, I messed up big time and had to make amends to him, and confess to my sponsor and others. How humbling. But, again, God is faithful.
I have been praying for many people in my life, but the one person that I really have a burden for is my brother in law. I love him to death. He is the older brother that I never had. He's funny and really caring. He's a good balance to my sister. We love debating silly things much to my sister's chagrin.
Recently, he's been talking to me about his walk with God. This is a tricky subject with him because like so many people, he thinks that he has a relationship with God. But,as I stated, God and I have come a long way and now that I know what abundance in Him looks like, I talk about God in a different light. This really bothers him. He's told me on many occasions that he feels jealous of my relationship because (and I'm paraphrasing, but the meaning is the same) he is smarter than me on many subjects, but not about the Bible or God. He says at times that he gets angry that I know more about God than he does. It bothers him that I talk to God like He's right there with me because he doesn't have that type of relationship with Him.
We've had these conversations more times than I care to count. Each time, God gives me the words to say to challenge Curtis's way of thinking about who God is. Recently, Curtis had a crisis in his life. While it wasn't a major life changing event, it was something that jarred him pretty deeply and he called me to discuss it. As I'm listening, God's telling me things and providing insight. I tell him some things that were pretty tough to hear, and he's actually listening.
Tonight, he calls me back as he's been chewing on those things and gives me the same excuses he always does. Sort of along the "that's the way I roll" type of answers. But then, he changes course. He says that he doesn't like talking to me about spiritual issues because I have a closer relationship with God. He says that when he talks to me, he feels guilt and jealousy because I know more about God and I never talk about my struggles. I told him that he never asked and if he did, I'd tell him. I say that my struggles are the reason why I am confident of God now. But, then he states that my struggles to him are comparable to a millionaire complaining that he can't visit his summer home. It's a drop in the bucket so to speak. How do I respond to that? How do I even process that?
Curtis thinks I'm rich? Me with the learning disorders and the poor attention span? Me who can barely remember where I put some life altering paper seconds after I put it down? Me who can't even balance her checkbook and lives from pay check to pay check? Me who struggles to be kind and considerate to others, to care for my son in a God-pleasing way, who has zero self confidence sometimes in my parenting skills... I don't understand. He's the one who makes the big bucks. Him and my sister, the Dr... both of whom makes at least twice my salary individually.
I can't help but think about what he's talking about. I'm not rich. I'm not worldly rich. I don't even wish for that necessarily. But, I do know God and I do know what abundant life feels like. I do know that God who has begun a good work in me is not going to leave me here. I do know that He loves me more than I'll ever know. I do know that He wants a relationship and He's not just interested in a canned prayer that I learned when I was little. He wants to grow me and stretch me and mold me. He wants me to be obedient. That's all I've done. Been obedient. And yet, because of my obedience, He's transformed my life. He's taken me out of bondage. He's given me not confidence in myself, but confidence in Him so that the things that I say come from personal experience and not some pat church answer. What a difference.
How humbled I feel that someone would say that about me. It's not me, it's Him. I am nothing, but through Him, I have everything I'll ever need. I'm a sinner saved by grace. I do the things that I don't want to do even though I know better. I'm not always obedient even though I know better. And yet, God still speaks to me and through me so much so that others take notice? How humbling. Thank You God for again reminding me about your goodness. Thank You again for reminding me what I have through You. Thank You for making me rich in You.
Another weakness is my relationships. Not so much now, but definitely before I started CR I didn't believe in total disclosure. I would talk the big talk but not really believe my own hype. Sure, you say the nice things about yourself so that people wouldn't think of you as someone with "low self esteem". Especially as a Christian, right? Anyone who knows me... really knows me knows that I struggle with many many things.
Over the past two years, God has been taking me on a journey. He's shown me that His Kingdom makes no sense whatsoever and that the things that I think of as common sense are so not. I had a great paying job teaching and yet I was miserable. I traveled over an hour one way to work and had nothing left at the end of the day but pure frustration and boredom. I bought a house because I had the money and also more importantly because God told me that it was OK. Anyone who's heard the story knows how God gave me what I wanted and then some. But, then, I stopped working at the high paying teaching job and took a much lower paying job. While I was OK financially, this definitely put a chink in my lifestyle. I took a 4,000 pay cut. That's quite painful. But, I was happy. I was doing something that I loved and learning. Then, if that weren't enough, God blessed me with Joshua. I was not so happy all the time and even though I loved being a mom, he's a hard kid. He's needy and has a lot of baggage. At the time, I didn't know quite how much and it was just so overwhelming. But, God is faithful and He gave me the support I needed to make it through that summer. In addition, I was going through CR and it helped me with many of my issues. Boy was I grateful. God took me from a place of just living and gave me abundant life. There is such a difference between the two.
Anyone who knew me then and knows me now sees what God has done. I am confident in Who He is now. I don't doubt His goodness (most of the time). I speak with His Authority because He has proven Himself in my life. It's an awesome feeling. But, I still have my issues. I struggle with being single. I struggle with being a single parent raising a child with severe emotional issues. I struggle with the fact that he may have these issues forever and never quite get over them (although in faith, I don't think this will be the case). I allow those struggles and fears to get the best of me sometimes. Recently, I messed up big time and had to make amends to him, and confess to my sponsor and others. How humbling. But, again, God is faithful.
I have been praying for many people in my life, but the one person that I really have a burden for is my brother in law. I love him to death. He is the older brother that I never had. He's funny and really caring. He's a good balance to my sister. We love debating silly things much to my sister's chagrin.
Recently, he's been talking to me about his walk with God. This is a tricky subject with him because like so many people, he thinks that he has a relationship with God. But,as I stated, God and I have come a long way and now that I know what abundance in Him looks like, I talk about God in a different light. This really bothers him. He's told me on many occasions that he feels jealous of my relationship because (and I'm paraphrasing, but the meaning is the same) he is smarter than me on many subjects, but not about the Bible or God. He says at times that he gets angry that I know more about God than he does. It bothers him that I talk to God like He's right there with me because he doesn't have that type of relationship with Him.
We've had these conversations more times than I care to count. Each time, God gives me the words to say to challenge Curtis's way of thinking about who God is. Recently, Curtis had a crisis in his life. While it wasn't a major life changing event, it was something that jarred him pretty deeply and he called me to discuss it. As I'm listening, God's telling me things and providing insight. I tell him some things that were pretty tough to hear, and he's actually listening.
Tonight, he calls me back as he's been chewing on those things and gives me the same excuses he always does. Sort of along the "that's the way I roll" type of answers. But then, he changes course. He says that he doesn't like talking to me about spiritual issues because I have a closer relationship with God. He says that when he talks to me, he feels guilt and jealousy because I know more about God and I never talk about my struggles. I told him that he never asked and if he did, I'd tell him. I say that my struggles are the reason why I am confident of God now. But, then he states that my struggles to him are comparable to a millionaire complaining that he can't visit his summer home. It's a drop in the bucket so to speak. How do I respond to that? How do I even process that?
Curtis thinks I'm rich? Me with the learning disorders and the poor attention span? Me who can barely remember where I put some life altering paper seconds after I put it down? Me who can't even balance her checkbook and lives from pay check to pay check? Me who struggles to be kind and considerate to others, to care for my son in a God-pleasing way, who has zero self confidence sometimes in my parenting skills... I don't understand. He's the one who makes the big bucks. Him and my sister, the Dr... both of whom makes at least twice my salary individually.
I can't help but think about what he's talking about. I'm not rich. I'm not worldly rich. I don't even wish for that necessarily. But, I do know God and I do know what abundant life feels like. I do know that God who has begun a good work in me is not going to leave me here. I do know that He loves me more than I'll ever know. I do know that He wants a relationship and He's not just interested in a canned prayer that I learned when I was little. He wants to grow me and stretch me and mold me. He wants me to be obedient. That's all I've done. Been obedient. And yet, because of my obedience, He's transformed my life. He's taken me out of bondage. He's given me not confidence in myself, but confidence in Him so that the things that I say come from personal experience and not some pat church answer. What a difference.
How humbled I feel that someone would say that about me. It's not me, it's Him. I am nothing, but through Him, I have everything I'll ever need. I'm a sinner saved by grace. I do the things that I don't want to do even though I know better. I'm not always obedient even though I know better. And yet, God still speaks to me and through me so much so that others take notice? How humbling. Thank You God for again reminding me about your goodness. Thank You again for reminding me what I have through You. Thank You for making me rich in You.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Life Imitating Art
So, since high school, I've fallen in love with the wonderful world of Drama. However, because of some scars from high school, it took me a long time to get back into the swing of all that theatre has to offer (notice the switch? A real thespian never calls it "drama" or "theater";) Anyway, this year, I wrote a short play for my students in which the director becomes more and more frustrated with the cast and their shenanigans. Oh irony of ironies. Whilst it's not as tragic as Macbeth, I will say that a few different students were almost beheaded due to their disrespect! Then today at the eleventh hour, students are forgetting their lines right and left and the "audience" (mainly one teacher) is looking at me thinking... "what have these kids been doing this whole time?" I say how much they've done and how they know their lines... blah blah blah... and meanwhile, I'm feeling like the main character who's slowly losing their mind as the clueless cast looks onto the insanity. Oh cruel art! How darest thou mock me in this way! Glad to see that I've still got it!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Here we go again...
So, there are many joys to having Joshua and three weeks ago, I could tell you all about them. Unfortunately, we're back in the "I'm not going to listen to a word my babysitter says and I'm not going to take a nap!" phase. Quite frankly, I hate this phase. It would be one thing if he didn't need a nap but the truth of the matter is he does. He's a completely different kid without a nap. He's rude and mean and whiny. Or as his therapist says he becomes "disregulated." I personally like rude, mean and whiny...
Seriously, this is an exhausting stage because he seems to not care about being in trouble. Take today for example. I went to pick him up and he's semi-laying on the couch doing his own thing. She's telling me about how he wasn't listening and he then starts playing on the couch. When I tell him to put his sheet away, that kid had the nerve to smirk at his babysitter! I tell you, that boy was about to meet Jesus right then and there! The nerve of that kid! He's lucky that the Holy Spirit stopped me from tanning his behind right then and there because boy did I want to. I don't know why he does these things because he doesn't talk about it. I try to pinpoint when and then take guesses about why he does this and no answer. He's stuck and I'm not quite sure about how to get him unstuck. So, then I wait it out while he's being a pain in my butt... *sigh* kids... they make me want to drink.
Seriously, this is an exhausting stage because he seems to not care about being in trouble. Take today for example. I went to pick him up and he's semi-laying on the couch doing his own thing. She's telling me about how he wasn't listening and he then starts playing on the couch. When I tell him to put his sheet away, that kid had the nerve to smirk at his babysitter! I tell you, that boy was about to meet Jesus right then and there! The nerve of that kid! He's lucky that the Holy Spirit stopped me from tanning his behind right then and there because boy did I want to. I don't know why he does these things because he doesn't talk about it. I try to pinpoint when and then take guesses about why he does this and no answer. He's stuck and I'm not quite sure about how to get him unstuck. So, then I wait it out while he's being a pain in my butt... *sigh* kids... they make me want to drink.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Grumpy
So I am really grumpy. I don't know why. Last time, it was what I thought but this time, I think it's spiritual. I was at CR and even though it felt good to be there, I didn't quite feel like I belonged. I'm not quite sure where I need to be. I decided that during small group time, I would pray and although I learned a few things, it didn't quite take me out of my funk. I felt upset at times because sometimes I feel that people think that if I'm not actively participating in CR then I'm backsliding or something and that's not it. I just don't know what God is doing there. What's my part in the serving? I honestly don't know. I'm not passionate about it like I once was and I'm OK with missing it at night. I don't know if Joshua really got a lot out of it either. We'll see... I am upset that prayer didn't answer my question of grumpiness. I'm praying that this week, God will shed light on what is going on. All I know is that I'm not happy. I feel like I'm going from day to day just surviving with highlights throughout the week. Last week wasn't a bad week. It was a good week but this weekend... I don't quite know what happened. *sigh* Again, not a bad week or weekend.
One of the things that I asked God about is what am I afraid of. Often anger (which is part of grumpiness) comes from fear. I really do think that it is along those lines. So I asked, "What am I afraid of?"
The answer is: I don't know. Some people have been asking about Joshua and possible adoption and while I may consider that at one point, I'm not quite there yet. I am scared of that whole thing and I know it doesn't make sense, but I think I'm afraid of the permanence. Isn't that stupid? I mean, I don't want him to go anywhere, I'd be lost and sad without him in my life. Heck, he IS my life (in a healthy way, not in a codependent way). I think I'm afraid of messing him up still. And yet, I haven't gotten a grasp on what that means. How much worse can I do than what's been done to him? On the other hand, maybe I'm not taking the steps forward that God wants me to take. I don't know but it is a possibility.
Another possibility is (and I don't quite know when this popped up) that I'm mad at God because I'm living another single year. While I didn't think this was such an issue, I saw that it was while I was praying. I think I still find it hard to believe that no guy wants to go out with me still. I mean, I lost weight, I've worked through many of my issues, I even joined eharmony thinking that I had to do something to make myself available. And yet, nothing. Maybe I'm living in the world of I think that He owes me this which is never a good place to be... but I don't think that's it. I don't even think that it's that I don't think I'll ever marry. But, it's hard to continue to give myself pep talks about how great I am when there's no one there to confirm that. I look at my married friends and even though they have their issues, at the end of the day, they share their lives with someone. They are committed to that person. Whether they stay that way is up to them; but that person is going to be there to help out and to listen to. I've never had a guy love me. I'm 32 and I've never had that happen. My mother was 16. Tamara-16 when she started dating. I've never really dated. It's really sad when you think about it. I could live in a convent at this point still. It's just frustrating. I'm tired of doing this alone. And yet, I don't want to do this without God. This in itself puts me in a bit of a quandary. Either I take control and screw things up or I let God take control and wait for God only knows (literally) how long. I am frustrated but in the end, I want to do God's will because His is the only one that will matter. While it is painful (and believe me, it is), I know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. Because He knows the plans He has for me. He wants me to prosper me and not harm me. He wants me to have a future. While I can plan my steps as much as I want, He's the one who orders them so that I don't fall. I am a princess, His princess and so I will wait and still I will worship Him.
One of the things that I asked God about is what am I afraid of. Often anger (which is part of grumpiness) comes from fear. I really do think that it is along those lines. So I asked, "What am I afraid of?"
The answer is: I don't know. Some people have been asking about Joshua and possible adoption and while I may consider that at one point, I'm not quite there yet. I am scared of that whole thing and I know it doesn't make sense, but I think I'm afraid of the permanence. Isn't that stupid? I mean, I don't want him to go anywhere, I'd be lost and sad without him in my life. Heck, he IS my life (in a healthy way, not in a codependent way). I think I'm afraid of messing him up still. And yet, I haven't gotten a grasp on what that means. How much worse can I do than what's been done to him? On the other hand, maybe I'm not taking the steps forward that God wants me to take. I don't know but it is a possibility.
Another possibility is (and I don't quite know when this popped up) that I'm mad at God because I'm living another single year. While I didn't think this was such an issue, I saw that it was while I was praying. I think I still find it hard to believe that no guy wants to go out with me still. I mean, I lost weight, I've worked through many of my issues, I even joined eharmony thinking that I had to do something to make myself available. And yet, nothing. Maybe I'm living in the world of I think that He owes me this which is never a good place to be... but I don't think that's it. I don't even think that it's that I don't think I'll ever marry. But, it's hard to continue to give myself pep talks about how great I am when there's no one there to confirm that. I look at my married friends and even though they have their issues, at the end of the day, they share their lives with someone. They are committed to that person. Whether they stay that way is up to them; but that person is going to be there to help out and to listen to. I've never had a guy love me. I'm 32 and I've never had that happen. My mother was 16. Tamara-16 when she started dating. I've never really dated. It's really sad when you think about it. I could live in a convent at this point still. It's just frustrating. I'm tired of doing this alone. And yet, I don't want to do this without God. This in itself puts me in a bit of a quandary. Either I take control and screw things up or I let God take control and wait for God only knows (literally) how long. I am frustrated but in the end, I want to do God's will because His is the only one that will matter. While it is painful (and believe me, it is), I know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. Because He knows the plans He has for me. He wants me to prosper me and not harm me. He wants me to have a future. While I can plan my steps as much as I want, He's the one who orders them so that I don't fall. I am a princess, His princess and so I will wait and still I will worship Him.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tired but oh so joyful
God is so good. I just can't tell you just how blessed I feel. Joshua's doing better and it's such a joy to not feel the knot in my shoulders when I pick him up. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get him into a Pre-k program next year but it looks like the odds of him getting in are 50/50 because they've cut the program down. This is definitely one of those gotta trust God deals.
So, CR kids starts in a week or two and I'm excited that Joshua gets to go... the problem is that I don't know what to do with ME. I know I don't want to be in a group, but I also don't want to just stand against the wall. I'm really just trying to figure out what God is up to here. Where is my place? I'm not nervous and part of me thinks that I want an answer simply to appease my fellow CR peeps. As a matter of fact, if I was being honest, that's exactly what it's about. I personally like where I am right now and am so happy for the break. It's nice to be able to hang with friends and spend a leisurely lazy Sunday at home.
My mother's coming in on Friday and I am so excited. I so love her. She's the best. I think that she's really starting to warm up to Joshua and it's great to see. It's sort of awkward because they're not biologically related and I can't really gauge where she is with him. With Xavier, she picks him up and snuggles with him all the time and part of me thinks it's because he's a baby and another part thinks that it's because they're biologically related. I find that I'm really sensitive with that... but, I know that she likes Joshua and I think that in time, she'll see him as her grandson as well... if that ever happens. I'm sort of waiting things out and asking God for direction so that I can make the right decision for him. I cannot imagine my life without him in it day in and day out. Heck, I miss him when he's not there for a night! I do want to move toward adopting him but I'm also afraid because if I think things are complicated now, how much more will they be complicated if I move forward on that? *sigh* So, I'm just waiting on God to show the way. He's learning and blossoming and I am so in love with my little boy. At times, I get overwhelmed with the fact that he's a 4 year old and I really sometimes just have to take a step back and accept him for who he is at 4. He's just so precious and he's been through so much.
Spiritually, I feel like I'm just going with the flow. I talk to God and I think we're on good terms... We talk and all, but I know that there were times when we were closer. I want more of Him but I'm not sure how to get there.... actually I do. I need to spend more quality time talking to Him instead of watching TV. Seriously, that is my best friend. Fake people on the boob tube. Man I need a life! It's not as bad as all that though. Only during the weekends and at night. I try to not watch as much TV when Joshua's around because I don't want him to get hooked on it, but there are times when I send him downstairs so that I can unwind in front of the TV. It's times like that when I feel that I'm not doing right by him. I don't know... maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. I do love my God, though. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I want to live a life of excellence... but seriously, that's SO HARD!!!!!
So, CR kids starts in a week or two and I'm excited that Joshua gets to go... the problem is that I don't know what to do with ME. I know I don't want to be in a group, but I also don't want to just stand against the wall. I'm really just trying to figure out what God is up to here. Where is my place? I'm not nervous and part of me thinks that I want an answer simply to appease my fellow CR peeps. As a matter of fact, if I was being honest, that's exactly what it's about. I personally like where I am right now and am so happy for the break. It's nice to be able to hang with friends and spend a leisurely lazy Sunday at home.
My mother's coming in on Friday and I am so excited. I so love her. She's the best. I think that she's really starting to warm up to Joshua and it's great to see. It's sort of awkward because they're not biologically related and I can't really gauge where she is with him. With Xavier, she picks him up and snuggles with him all the time and part of me thinks it's because he's a baby and another part thinks that it's because they're biologically related. I find that I'm really sensitive with that... but, I know that she likes Joshua and I think that in time, she'll see him as her grandson as well... if that ever happens. I'm sort of waiting things out and asking God for direction so that I can make the right decision for him. I cannot imagine my life without him in it day in and day out. Heck, I miss him when he's not there for a night! I do want to move toward adopting him but I'm also afraid because if I think things are complicated now, how much more will they be complicated if I move forward on that? *sigh* So, I'm just waiting on God to show the way. He's learning and blossoming and I am so in love with my little boy. At times, I get overwhelmed with the fact that he's a 4 year old and I really sometimes just have to take a step back and accept him for who he is at 4. He's just so precious and he's been through so much.
Spiritually, I feel like I'm just going with the flow. I talk to God and I think we're on good terms... We talk and all, but I know that there were times when we were closer. I want more of Him but I'm not sure how to get there.... actually I do. I need to spend more quality time talking to Him instead of watching TV. Seriously, that is my best friend. Fake people on the boob tube. Man I need a life! It's not as bad as all that though. Only during the weekends and at night. I try to not watch as much TV when Joshua's around because I don't want him to get hooked on it, but there are times when I send him downstairs so that I can unwind in front of the TV. It's times like that when I feel that I'm not doing right by him. I don't know... maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. I do love my God, though. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I want to live a life of excellence... but seriously, that's SO HARD!!!!!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Quote of the week
This morning, we were walking to his babysitter's and he said, "Even though you're not as skinny as me, you're still pretty skinny. *sigh* I love him;)
Friday, April 23, 2010
Hrumph
I have been so grumpy lately. It's all I can do to not bite my son's head off... It's times like this that I feel like a bad mother:( It seems at times all I do is say, "don't do that." or "don't do this" or "no" *sigh*. I'm hoping it's just a "phase" (ahem).
Today, I went to schedule him for pre-k and I can already tell that it's going to be quite an ordeal. There are already 38 kids signed up for a class of 16 which means that half of them will not make it. Meanwhile, I was told that the registration was from 9-4 and when I got there, the woman told me it closed at 2:30. So, now I have to go back on Tuesday at 1:30 for an interview. I'm hoping that he gets in because: 1: He needs the exposure of other kids and 2: I can't afford full time daycare. I did find out that we are in the Thomas Jefferson school zone which is sort of a bummer because New London is a much smaller school. But, I'm not going to worry about that now because that's at least a year away. So, my summer is going to be spent researching SPED law to pretty much assure that he gets into pre-k even though he is not at risk behaviorally and working on other Joshua related things. It's going to be an adventurous summer!
Today, I went to schedule him for pre-k and I can already tell that it's going to be quite an ordeal. There are already 38 kids signed up for a class of 16 which means that half of them will not make it. Meanwhile, I was told that the registration was from 9-4 and when I got there, the woman told me it closed at 2:30. So, now I have to go back on Tuesday at 1:30 for an interview. I'm hoping that he gets in because: 1: He needs the exposure of other kids and 2: I can't afford full time daycare. I did find out that we are in the Thomas Jefferson school zone which is sort of a bummer because New London is a much smaller school. But, I'm not going to worry about that now because that's at least a year away. So, my summer is going to be spent researching SPED law to pretty much assure that he gets into pre-k even though he is not at risk behaviorally and working on other Joshua related things. It's going to be an adventurous summer!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Say What?
So, a couple of years ago, I started attending CR. I did it due to my struggle with pornography. While I wouldn't say I was addicted, I would say that it was not good. We all struggle with sin and this was my major one. I just couldn't seem to break free from it! It was embarrassing, and I was very ashamed. But, God intervened and I decided to be obedient. I began attending a step study and missed maybe 1 or 2 weeks. It completely changed my life. Gone was the urge to want to delve into this dark place of anonymously doing what I knew was wrong. Gone was the time wasted on this horrible habit. Gone is the struggle between wanting God's blessing and not being able to grab hold of His promise of John 10:10. Words cannot express the freedom I feel in my life. I've been clean from this habit for over a year and I am not looking back. I started to take hold of the first principle: Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable and Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that ourlives had become unmanageable. This was so a picture of my life!
I am so indebted to CR, Blue Ridge, Debbie and my step study group for their obedience and willingness to allow others to say "I am FREE!" I started going on Sundays and was quickly ushered into leading a group for the younger women. My co-leader and I had 4 consistent girls and 4 non-consistent ones. Of those, only 1 or two are still following God passionately. It was very frustrating to me because while I was ever moving towards God, I struggled with anger because my co-leader was stuck and not moving forward. In turn, many of the group members were stuck and not moving forward. Even though I enjoyed seeing change and growth when it happened, it wasn't consistent and it wasn't something that produced life change for the members in the group. I began to feel disheartened and discourage and started to battle against feeling bitter about the fact that CR happened on a Sunday during football season. I should say that it wasn't the football that I cared about (at least not to the point of feeling bitter). It was the fact that my closest friends hung out every Sunday as a community. I missed that closeness with them and the memories made there. I missed out on forming relationships with them and getting support from them because of that. But, I also think that God had me there for a reason and looking back, I'm not upset or bitter. I was being obedient.
At the beginning of this year, I was overwhelmed with Joshua's constant tantrums and never napping. He was about to be kicked out of another daycare and I was frustrated. To top it off, I didn't have a rest or Sabbath day because my weekends were filled with social obligations and on Sunday, CR. I prayed to God as well as listened and we decided that I needed to take a break. This wasn't working and it wasn't something I was passionate about. So, I stepped down from leading that group. The group actually disbanded because it wasn't healthy. My co-leader continued to participate in a group and the ones who were serious about God remained serious and are thriving.
My absence did not go unnoticed and I started getting the "we miss you, now don't you feel bad about missing CR"? looks. Because of my time there, I've worked on my co-dependent issues and so these didn't phase me. I was being obedient and God was blessing me for it. I felt rested on Monday mornings, Joshua and I were able to bond over the weekends and I was able to connect in a more real way with new friends. I also was able to start attending TruthWorks on Tuesdays and as we studied the book of Nehemiah, I was again reminded how much I love studying scripture with other people. This SO fills my tank! Exchanging ideas and insights over God's Word... leaves me speechless! God allowed it so that I didn't miss a single one and made new acquaintances. Not only that,but every week, I was able to point something that we learned back to CR and the steps! So, new people were learning about CR and how it's impacted not just addicts, but to everyday people. It was amazing!
Meanwhile, I'm still struggling on where God wants me. Does He want me to return to leadership? Does He want me to serve? Does He want me to work with the teens or children? But God just said, "Be patient." So, I am:) Then, last week, Debbie called and asked if I wanted to go to the Summit which is the big conference for CR to look at the new material for the teens. I was not happy that she asked me because I didn't know her motive. So, I prayed and asked God for guidance. He gave me questions to ask and after being disobedient by deciding to put it off until after I finished watching my show on TV, I called her. We talked and as we talked, I prayed. I was clear that I didn't know what my purpose was to be in CR and that God may be taking me out of it altogether! At the end, she said that regardless, she still wanted me to go even if it was just a confirmation that God has something different. So, I'm going back to Cali and am excited. Hopefully, it will help to provide insight into where God really wants me in the ministry and if He wants me there at all.
The other day, I was asking God to reveal what He truly wants me to do and where to serve. Is it leadership here or in something else? Does He want me to step out of leadership and just do lighting or is there more? I was talking to a dear friend and I was telling her about my leadership experiences and mentioned that I didn't like how stagnate some of my groups were. I also talked about how God has been moving in my life and placing people in my path to counsel and listen to. How He gave me words and themes to tell them and how cool that was. I talked about how God gives me Scripture for them, etc. She looks at me and she basically says that maybe my gift isn't leadership because leaders are more concerned about the people moving towards God and have a burden and passion for those who are stagnate. She then said that maybe my spiritual gift was closer to prophecy. So, I took an inventory of my last couple of weeks as well as my last few years. I looked at how God talks to me and does in fact give me the words to say, how I can find a biblical application for someone who is going through a particular situation and how my heartbeat quickens when things like this happen and the pieces really started to fall into place. Over 5 years ago, a man stopped mid-step during a Catalyst conference and basically said that God told him to tell me that I was going to use my gift of prophecy for Him. It seems that it was not just a random occurrence. God is birthing that in me and I am excited about what He wants me to do. While I still don't know what the big picture is, I do know that God is revealing it in His own time, at His own pace. I am excited and can't wait to see where He takes me next!
I am so indebted to CR, Blue Ridge, Debbie and my step study group for their obedience and willingness to allow others to say "I am FREE!" I started going on Sundays and was quickly ushered into leading a group for the younger women. My co-leader and I had 4 consistent girls and 4 non-consistent ones. Of those, only 1 or two are still following God passionately. It was very frustrating to me because while I was ever moving towards God, I struggled with anger because my co-leader was stuck and not moving forward. In turn, many of the group members were stuck and not moving forward. Even though I enjoyed seeing change and growth when it happened, it wasn't consistent and it wasn't something that produced life change for the members in the group. I began to feel disheartened and discourage and started to battle against feeling bitter about the fact that CR happened on a Sunday during football season. I should say that it wasn't the football that I cared about (at least not to the point of feeling bitter). It was the fact that my closest friends hung out every Sunday as a community. I missed that closeness with them and the memories made there. I missed out on forming relationships with them and getting support from them because of that. But, I also think that God had me there for a reason and looking back, I'm not upset or bitter. I was being obedient.
At the beginning of this year, I was overwhelmed with Joshua's constant tantrums and never napping. He was about to be kicked out of another daycare and I was frustrated. To top it off, I didn't have a rest or Sabbath day because my weekends were filled with social obligations and on Sunday, CR. I prayed to God as well as listened and we decided that I needed to take a break. This wasn't working and it wasn't something I was passionate about. So, I stepped down from leading that group. The group actually disbanded because it wasn't healthy. My co-leader continued to participate in a group and the ones who were serious about God remained serious and are thriving.
My absence did not go unnoticed and I started getting the "we miss you, now don't you feel bad about missing CR"? looks. Because of my time there, I've worked on my co-dependent issues and so these didn't phase me. I was being obedient and God was blessing me for it. I felt rested on Monday mornings, Joshua and I were able to bond over the weekends and I was able to connect in a more real way with new friends. I also was able to start attending TruthWorks on Tuesdays and as we studied the book of Nehemiah, I was again reminded how much I love studying scripture with other people. This SO fills my tank! Exchanging ideas and insights over God's Word... leaves me speechless! God allowed it so that I didn't miss a single one and made new acquaintances. Not only that,but every week, I was able to point something that we learned back to CR and the steps! So, new people were learning about CR and how it's impacted not just addicts, but to everyday people. It was amazing!
Meanwhile, I'm still struggling on where God wants me. Does He want me to return to leadership? Does He want me to serve? Does He want me to work with the teens or children? But God just said, "Be patient." So, I am:) Then, last week, Debbie called and asked if I wanted to go to the Summit which is the big conference for CR to look at the new material for the teens. I was not happy that she asked me because I didn't know her motive. So, I prayed and asked God for guidance. He gave me questions to ask and after being disobedient by deciding to put it off until after I finished watching my show on TV, I called her. We talked and as we talked, I prayed. I was clear that I didn't know what my purpose was to be in CR and that God may be taking me out of it altogether! At the end, she said that regardless, she still wanted me to go even if it was just a confirmation that God has something different. So, I'm going back to Cali and am excited. Hopefully, it will help to provide insight into where God really wants me in the ministry and if He wants me there at all.
The other day, I was asking God to reveal what He truly wants me to do and where to serve. Is it leadership here or in something else? Does He want me to step out of leadership and just do lighting or is there more? I was talking to a dear friend and I was telling her about my leadership experiences and mentioned that I didn't like how stagnate some of my groups were. I also talked about how God has been moving in my life and placing people in my path to counsel and listen to. How He gave me words and themes to tell them and how cool that was. I talked about how God gives me Scripture for them, etc. She looks at me and she basically says that maybe my gift isn't leadership because leaders are more concerned about the people moving towards God and have a burden and passion for those who are stagnate. She then said that maybe my spiritual gift was closer to prophecy. So, I took an inventory of my last couple of weeks as well as my last few years. I looked at how God talks to me and does in fact give me the words to say, how I can find a biblical application for someone who is going through a particular situation and how my heartbeat quickens when things like this happen and the pieces really started to fall into place. Over 5 years ago, a man stopped mid-step during a Catalyst conference and basically said that God told him to tell me that I was going to use my gift of prophecy for Him. It seems that it was not just a random occurrence. God is birthing that in me and I am excited about what He wants me to do. While I still don't know what the big picture is, I do know that God is revealing it in His own time, at His own pace. I am excited and can't wait to see where He takes me next!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Ramblings
This week has been pretty good. It's birthday week and I am loving it! While I didn't do anything too terribly exciting yesterday, it's been a busy week and am having friends over on Friday. SO EXCITED:) Tonight, Joshua and I went to 1st Wednesday and it was a sweet time although at times, I felt disconnected from God. I think that the biggest thing for me is that I'm not always listening to His promptings especially at work. God sets things up and then I ignore and don't listen. *sigh* I wonder if I'll ever catch onto that. Maybe one day...
Afterwords, a friend and I started talking about some of the struggles that she's been going through and everything pointed back to Celebrate Recovery. I was able to tell my own story of giving things up to God and realizing that I REALLY don't control anything. I was able to tell her about letting go of the bitterness and resentment that I held against my parents and being able to accept them for who they are with nothing in return and how freeing that has been and how that's changed our relationship. I love this God journey!
In other news, I have a friend from college who when he left decided that he was going to embrace the gay lifestyle and turn away from God. Today, he posted an interesting article about the perception of the gay lifestyle and how it has it's extremes just like everything else. One of my dear friends pointed out that the argument was one sided and how the perception is faulty. I followed up and said that it's not about being gay or straight, but about the identity. My heart truly hurts for him and for many of my gay friends because of their belief that God at this moment is asking them to choose to be "something that they're not." and how because of that, He doesn't love them and they don't love Him. It pains me that they choose to believe the lie. But, it's not just them. I think of my friends who sleep with each other and are involved in unhealthy relationships. Those who live lifestyles of futility and selfishness and the same pain abounds. I hate how Satan wants them to believe the lie and doubt truth simply because it doesn't fit their life style. Or that we can believe some parts of the Bible and not others because it's "judgmental". I was listening to a talk by Craig Groschel, who is the pastor of Life Church and he was talking about Practical Atheism. The idea or concept of "I believe in God but..."
I think the thing that God is pointing out to me is that there are so many hurting people there and how I need to constantly stand and listen to Him as He gives me direction. I don't take the opportunities to pray for my coworkers. I do give into the lie at work... and for what? For time? What else am I here for if not to Mark people's lives SO THAT they can come to know God like I know Him? How many of my friends are miserable because they are running from God like there's always tomorrow? Why don't I want people to experience abundant life like I know it now? What is my problem? I honestly think that God used my friend in order to remind me of that. I can write to him about it, but not to my co-workers whom I see every day. How interesting and ridiculous. I'm glad that God allowed me to see that tonight. I've got to move forward on that and stop being "polite" in that sense. I've got to move into action and not complacency. It's going to be hard, but I want to run the race without shackles.
Afterwords, a friend and I started talking about some of the struggles that she's been going through and everything pointed back to Celebrate Recovery. I was able to tell my own story of giving things up to God and realizing that I REALLY don't control anything. I was able to tell her about letting go of the bitterness and resentment that I held against my parents and being able to accept them for who they are with nothing in return and how freeing that has been and how that's changed our relationship. I love this God journey!
In other news, I have a friend from college who when he left decided that he was going to embrace the gay lifestyle and turn away from God. Today, he posted an interesting article about the perception of the gay lifestyle and how it has it's extremes just like everything else. One of my dear friends pointed out that the argument was one sided and how the perception is faulty. I followed up and said that it's not about being gay or straight, but about the identity. My heart truly hurts for him and for many of my gay friends because of their belief that God at this moment is asking them to choose to be "something that they're not." and how because of that, He doesn't love them and they don't love Him. It pains me that they choose to believe the lie. But, it's not just them. I think of my friends who sleep with each other and are involved in unhealthy relationships. Those who live lifestyles of futility and selfishness and the same pain abounds. I hate how Satan wants them to believe the lie and doubt truth simply because it doesn't fit their life style. Or that we can believe some parts of the Bible and not others because it's "judgmental". I was listening to a talk by Craig Groschel, who is the pastor of Life Church and he was talking about Practical Atheism. The idea or concept of "I believe in God but..."
I think the thing that God is pointing out to me is that there are so many hurting people there and how I need to constantly stand and listen to Him as He gives me direction. I don't take the opportunities to pray for my coworkers. I do give into the lie at work... and for what? For time? What else am I here for if not to Mark people's lives SO THAT they can come to know God like I know Him? How many of my friends are miserable because they are running from God like there's always tomorrow? Why don't I want people to experience abundant life like I know it now? What is my problem? I honestly think that God used my friend in order to remind me of that. I can write to him about it, but not to my co-workers whom I see every day. How interesting and ridiculous. I'm glad that God allowed me to see that tonight. I've got to move forward on that and stop being "polite" in that sense. I've got to move into action and not complacency. It's going to be hard, but I want to run the race without shackles.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Spring Break
I love Spring Break. AND it's Birthday Week:) Two of my favorite things together. Not having to work and my birthday. Could this week BE any cooler? And I get to spend it with my wonderful son who right now is downstairs being entertained by Elmo. I hear him laughing and it makes me laugh. I really am happy that we get this week to bond and connect in ways that I don't usually have the energy to do during the school day. Plus, I get to work on my school class which is also great. I hate this class. It's full of math, papers, and depending on people who don't know how to write:( But, Praise God this is the last week.
I've also started eharmony a couple of months ago. I figured that it's time I get out there. I've realized from my time in CR that the reason I haven't been dating is not because of them, it's been because of my crippling fear of rejection. I didn't realize how bad it was until after I completed my step study. My horrible feelings of "what if" have greatly hindered my dating life. But, I'm not going to allow that anymore. I have started talking to this guy but he lives in TN. He seems nice enough but eager and well, I don't do well with that. But, I'm going to try. Spiritually he seems pretty good, but only time will tell. I chose eharmony because I figured that this way I don't have to leave Joshua and can do it on my time without disrupting his life. It's definitely going to be tricky, but I think I'm ready to stop making excuses.
Joshua's therapist has been pushing me in the past few months to consider pushing Noelle to consider me adopting Joshua. She was sort of concerned when I said that I wasn't quite ready for that yet. But the truth is that to go through that process is emotionally draining, financially draining and time consuming. Not to mention that it makes things final. I know that seems silly, but I'm really scared of the word final. It's not that I'll never do it or even that it's not something that I want, but I am not ready to go that next step yet. Does that make me sound stupid or selfish? I don't quite know. But on the other hand, I know that it is something that I do want in the end, but I just don't know if now is the time to pursue that. I'll just keep trusting God with it all and see how it goes.
I've also started eharmony a couple of months ago. I figured that it's time I get out there. I've realized from my time in CR that the reason I haven't been dating is not because of them, it's been because of my crippling fear of rejection. I didn't realize how bad it was until after I completed my step study. My horrible feelings of "what if" have greatly hindered my dating life. But, I'm not going to allow that anymore. I have started talking to this guy but he lives in TN. He seems nice enough but eager and well, I don't do well with that. But, I'm going to try. Spiritually he seems pretty good, but only time will tell. I chose eharmony because I figured that this way I don't have to leave Joshua and can do it on my time without disrupting his life. It's definitely going to be tricky, but I think I'm ready to stop making excuses.
Joshua's therapist has been pushing me in the past few months to consider pushing Noelle to consider me adopting Joshua. She was sort of concerned when I said that I wasn't quite ready for that yet. But the truth is that to go through that process is emotionally draining, financially draining and time consuming. Not to mention that it makes things final. I know that seems silly, but I'm really scared of the word final. It's not that I'll never do it or even that it's not something that I want, but I am not ready to go that next step yet. Does that make me sound stupid or selfish? I don't quite know. But on the other hand, I know that it is something that I do want in the end, but I just don't know if now is the time to pursue that. I'll just keep trusting God with it all and see how it goes.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
HE IS RISEN
I love the fact that I follow a living God. Easter is one of my favorite times of year because we serve a living God. He's not dead. Happy Easter everyone! (anyone;) )
Friday, April 2, 2010
Long Time No See
So, it's been a really long time since I've written a blog. Quite honestly, I forgot that I owned one! LOL. Anyway, so much has happened that it's going to take more than one blog to get it all out. But, I will say that I've been REALLY BUSY. I mean, this parenting thing is NO joke, people! Joshua has so many issues and sometimes, they become really overwhelming. Did you know that unless someone goes through foster care, or is biologically connected to the child, there are zero services? No financial help at all! While I'm not looking for money because my Father owns it all, I think this is the biggest travesty in the world. I mean, I am saving the state thousands of dollars (I know because I just did my taxes;) and the child is one that I voluntarily took in, and really? No services?
I could honestly talk about the stupidity of that forever, but really, I want to talk about how this past year has gone in the quickest way possible. Joshua is the greatest kid ever! I mean seriously. He's completely house broken... er... potty trained, and so smart. Did you know that he's already adding? I'm so proud. My four year old is adding on his fingers! He knows all his letters and about 85% of his sounds. He's really quite amazing. He has the greatest smile and his laugh, oh it makes me melt inside. I'm in love with my four year old. *sigh* He talks a mile a minute but his speech is so clear. I look at the milestones and verbally, he is well above his age level and uses words like, "actually" and "immense". Gosh, he's so darned smart! He can tell the greatest stories and loves to use his imagination. He uses reasoning skills that some of my students even in late elementary school don't yet have a concept of. One day, I took him to work because he had some difficulties at school (more on that later), and he was sitting on the floor, and couldn't see what we were doing. But, we were teaching our students the "magic 9s" for multiplying using our fingers. We would say put the first finger down and that's nine times one. Then the second finger, and so on and so forth. We would watch the students as they struggled to grasp this concept. We were working on 9 times 4 and we asked what finger went down and the students kept saying, "The pointer finger!" This was incorrect because we've been telling them the second finger, third finger, etc. We keep saying, "No." and then from across the room, we hear, "THE FOURTH ONE!!!!" My son had caught onto this pattern before my students. And these were 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders. Have I said yet that I love this kid? Yes? Well, in case you missed it, he's quite amazing.
I love taking pictures of him because he's incredibly photogenic. He gets cuter with age. He's looking at the camera more and his smiles are more genuine. It's a wonderful thing.
But, it hasn't always been good. He throws horrible tantrums that can last for hours. There have been a couple of times where I seriously wanted to throw him out of the car or out of the house because it was driving me literally insane. As many four year olds are (especially only children), he's incredibly selfish. I am learning that this is a normal behavior and that I have to let it go and just continue to teach empathy and compassion. He's also sad much of the time because he misses his mama. She doesn't ever call him and has completely abandoned him. It makes me so sad and mad. NO kid should have to deal with that. He is so scared of her. When he sees her, he has accidents on himself. There are times when I wish I could read his mind so that I can see what he is thinking and remembering. He used to have nightmares every night about bugs. These were memories that were surfacing. These don't happen as often as they once were. While I'm relieved, I also know that they served a purpose. So, I'm sort of torn. But, I know that things come out in time. He's been kicked out of two day care centers because of his tantrums during nap time. Seriously, it would be fine if he didn't want to take a nap. But, he woke up all the kids and scared them with his daily (yes 2 hours a day) tantrums. Both places lasted 9 months. It was such a travesty because both places were great and he learned a lot both socially and academically. Now, he's with a single sitter who only cares for one other kid and then only 4 days a week. While he's doing better, he's still not napping (although we're working on it), and she doesn't really make his education a priority as far as just maintaining the skills he's already learned. I know that this is not a big deal. Really, I do; but being a student with LD and working with those students, I want him to have the most of an edge going in because I am pretty sure that his behavioral difficulties are not just going to stop. He's going to miss classes because of it especially in the beginning unless God intervenes in a big way. So, if he has a good foundation, maybe this will make it so that he will stay ahead of the curve for a while.... I am scared for him. I want him to be successful. I want him to learn to love God and want to follow Him fully. I see that he wants that too. I feel bad and guilty because I don't quite know how to reach him sometimes. This week, he seems really sad. I think it's because I was out of town last weekend and we didn't have a good start on Monday due to a tantrum. Hopefully, he'll feel better and I'll see my smiling boy again. But it hurts so much to see him so sad. Flat affect most of the week. I could have told him that he was going to the biggest birthday party ever and that he could get his own dog and he'd look and smile. No excitement. I hate the fact that he's feeling depressed and there's little I can do about it. But, that's just a part of it. I'm going to try to be better about really being transparent about these things and remember that I have this wonderful thing. But, I think I've written more than enough for one night.
Goodnight, Blog World
I could honestly talk about the stupidity of that forever, but really, I want to talk about how this past year has gone in the quickest way possible. Joshua is the greatest kid ever! I mean seriously. He's completely house broken... er... potty trained, and so smart. Did you know that he's already adding? I'm so proud. My four year old is adding on his fingers! He knows all his letters and about 85% of his sounds. He's really quite amazing. He has the greatest smile and his laugh, oh it makes me melt inside. I'm in love with my four year old. *sigh* He talks a mile a minute but his speech is so clear. I look at the milestones and verbally, he is well above his age level and uses words like, "actually" and "immense". Gosh, he's so darned smart! He can tell the greatest stories and loves to use his imagination. He uses reasoning skills that some of my students even in late elementary school don't yet have a concept of. One day, I took him to work because he had some difficulties at school (more on that later), and he was sitting on the floor, and couldn't see what we were doing. But, we were teaching our students the "magic 9s" for multiplying using our fingers. We would say put the first finger down and that's nine times one. Then the second finger, and so on and so forth. We would watch the students as they struggled to grasp this concept. We were working on 9 times 4 and we asked what finger went down and the students kept saying, "The pointer finger!" This was incorrect because we've been telling them the second finger, third finger, etc. We keep saying, "No." and then from across the room, we hear, "THE FOURTH ONE!!!!" My son had caught onto this pattern before my students. And these were 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders. Have I said yet that I love this kid? Yes? Well, in case you missed it, he's quite amazing.
I love taking pictures of him because he's incredibly photogenic. He gets cuter with age. He's looking at the camera more and his smiles are more genuine. It's a wonderful thing.
But, it hasn't always been good. He throws horrible tantrums that can last for hours. There have been a couple of times where I seriously wanted to throw him out of the car or out of the house because it was driving me literally insane. As many four year olds are (especially only children), he's incredibly selfish. I am learning that this is a normal behavior and that I have to let it go and just continue to teach empathy and compassion. He's also sad much of the time because he misses his mama. She doesn't ever call him and has completely abandoned him. It makes me so sad and mad. NO kid should have to deal with that. He is so scared of her. When he sees her, he has accidents on himself. There are times when I wish I could read his mind so that I can see what he is thinking and remembering. He used to have nightmares every night about bugs. These were memories that were surfacing. These don't happen as often as they once were. While I'm relieved, I also know that they served a purpose. So, I'm sort of torn. But, I know that things come out in time. He's been kicked out of two day care centers because of his tantrums during nap time. Seriously, it would be fine if he didn't want to take a nap. But, he woke up all the kids and scared them with his daily (yes 2 hours a day) tantrums. Both places lasted 9 months. It was such a travesty because both places were great and he learned a lot both socially and academically. Now, he's with a single sitter who only cares for one other kid and then only 4 days a week. While he's doing better, he's still not napping (although we're working on it), and she doesn't really make his education a priority as far as just maintaining the skills he's already learned. I know that this is not a big deal. Really, I do; but being a student with LD and working with those students, I want him to have the most of an edge going in because I am pretty sure that his behavioral difficulties are not just going to stop. He's going to miss classes because of it especially in the beginning unless God intervenes in a big way. So, if he has a good foundation, maybe this will make it so that he will stay ahead of the curve for a while.... I am scared for him. I want him to be successful. I want him to learn to love God and want to follow Him fully. I see that he wants that too. I feel bad and guilty because I don't quite know how to reach him sometimes. This week, he seems really sad. I think it's because I was out of town last weekend and we didn't have a good start on Monday due to a tantrum. Hopefully, he'll feel better and I'll see my smiling boy again. But it hurts so much to see him so sad. Flat affect most of the week. I could have told him that he was going to the biggest birthday party ever and that he could get his own dog and he'd look and smile. No excitement. I hate the fact that he's feeling depressed and there's little I can do about it. But, that's just a part of it. I'm going to try to be better about really being transparent about these things and remember that I have this wonderful thing. But, I think I've written more than enough for one night.
Goodnight, Blog World
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