Grumpy

So I am really grumpy. I don't know why. Last time, it was what I thought but this time, I think it's spiritual. I was at CR and even though it felt good to be there, I didn't quite feel like I belonged. I'm not quite sure where I need to be. I decided that during small group time, I would pray and although I learned a few things, it didn't quite take me out of my funk. I felt upset at times because sometimes I feel that people think that if I'm not actively participating in CR then I'm backsliding or something and that's not it. I just don't know what God is doing there. What's my part in the serving? I honestly don't know. I'm not passionate about it like I once was and I'm OK with missing it at night. I don't know if Joshua really got a lot out of it either. We'll see... I am upset that prayer didn't answer my question of grumpiness. I'm praying that this week, God will shed light on what is going on. All I know is that I'm not happy. I feel like I'm going from day to day just surviving with highlights throughout the week. Last week wasn't a bad week. It was a good week but this weekend... I don't quite know what happened. *sigh* Again, not a bad week or weekend.

One of the things that I asked God about is what am I afraid of. Often anger (which is part of grumpiness) comes from fear. I really do think that it is along those lines. So I asked, "What am I afraid of?"

The answer is: I don't know. Some people have been asking about Joshua and possible adoption and while I may consider that at one point, I'm not quite there yet. I am scared of that whole thing and I know it doesn't make sense, but I think I'm afraid of the permanence. Isn't that stupid? I mean, I don't want him to go anywhere, I'd be lost and sad without him in my life. Heck, he IS my life (in a healthy way, not in a codependent way). I think I'm afraid of messing him up still. And yet, I haven't gotten a grasp on what that means. How much worse can I do than what's been done to him? On the other hand, maybe I'm not taking the steps forward that God wants me to take. I don't know but it is a possibility.

Another possibility is (and I don't quite know when this popped up) that I'm mad at God because I'm living another single year. While I didn't think this was such an issue, I saw that it was while I was praying. I think I still find it hard to believe that no guy wants to go out with me still. I mean, I lost weight, I've worked through many of my issues, I even joined eharmony thinking that I had to do something to make myself available. And yet, nothing. Maybe I'm living in the world of I think that He owes me this which is never a good place to be... but I don't think that's it. I don't even think that it's that I don't think I'll ever marry. But, it's hard to continue to give myself pep talks about how great I am when there's no one there to confirm that. I look at my married friends and even though they have their issues, at the end of the day, they share their lives with someone. They are committed to that person. Whether they stay that way is up to them; but that person is going to be there to help out and to listen to. I've never had a guy love me. I'm 32 and I've never had that happen. My mother was 16. Tamara-16 when she started dating. I've never really dated. It's really sad when you think about it. I could live in a convent at this point still. It's just frustrating. I'm tired of doing this alone. And yet, I don't want to do this without God. This in itself puts me in a bit of a quandary. Either I take control and screw things up or I let God take control and wait for God only knows (literally) how long. I am frustrated but in the end, I want to do God's will because His is the only one that will matter. While it is painful (and believe me, it is), I know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. Because He knows the plans He has for me. He wants me to prosper me and not harm me. He wants me to have a future. While I can plan my steps as much as I want, He's the one who orders them so that I don't fall. I am a princess, His princess and so I will wait and still I will worship Him.