God is so good. I just can't tell you just how blessed I feel. Joshua's doing better and it's such a joy to not feel the knot in my shoulders when I pick him up. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get him into a Pre-k program next year but it looks like the odds of him getting in are 50/50 because they've cut the program down. This is definitely one of those gotta trust God deals.
So, CR kids starts in a week or two and I'm excited that Joshua gets to go... the problem is that I don't know what to do with ME. I know I don't want to be in a group, but I also don't want to just stand against the wall. I'm really just trying to figure out what God is up to here. Where is my place? I'm not nervous and part of me thinks that I want an answer simply to appease my fellow CR peeps. As a matter of fact, if I was being honest, that's exactly what it's about. I personally like where I am right now and am so happy for the break. It's nice to be able to hang with friends and spend a leisurely lazy Sunday at home.
My mother's coming in on Friday and I am so excited. I so love her. She's the best. I think that she's really starting to warm up to Joshua and it's great to see. It's sort of awkward because they're not biologically related and I can't really gauge where she is with him. With Xavier, she picks him up and snuggles with him all the time and part of me thinks it's because he's a baby and another part thinks that it's because they're biologically related. I find that I'm really sensitive with that... but, I know that she likes Joshua and I think that in time, she'll see him as her grandson as well... if that ever happens. I'm sort of waiting things out and asking God for direction so that I can make the right decision for him. I cannot imagine my life without him in it day in and day out. Heck, I miss him when he's not there for a night! I do want to move toward adopting him but I'm also afraid because if I think things are complicated now, how much more will they be complicated if I move forward on that? *sigh* So, I'm just waiting on God to show the way. He's learning and blossoming and I am so in love with my little boy. At times, I get overwhelmed with the fact that he's a 4 year old and I really sometimes just have to take a step back and accept him for who he is at 4. He's just so precious and he's been through so much.
Spiritually, I feel like I'm just going with the flow. I talk to God and I think we're on good terms... We talk and all, but I know that there were times when we were closer. I want more of Him but I'm not sure how to get there.... actually I do. I need to spend more quality time talking to Him instead of watching TV. Seriously, that is my best friend. Fake people on the boob tube. Man I need a life! It's not as bad as all that though. Only during the weekends and at night. I try to not watch as much TV when Joshua's around because I don't want him to get hooked on it, but there are times when I send him downstairs so that I can unwind in front of the TV. It's times like that when I feel that I'm not doing right by him. I don't know... maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. I do love my God, though. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I want to live a life of excellence... but seriously, that's SO HARD!!!!!
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