Say What?

So, a couple of years ago, I started attending CR. I did it due to my struggle with pornography. While I wouldn't say I was addicted, I would say that it was not good. We all struggle with sin and this was my major one. I just couldn't seem to break free from it! It was embarrassing, and I was very ashamed. But, God intervened and I decided to be obedient. I began attending a step study and missed maybe 1 or 2 weeks. It completely changed my life. Gone was the urge to want to delve into this dark place of anonymously doing what I knew was wrong. Gone was the time wasted on this horrible habit. Gone is the struggle between wanting God's blessing and not being able to grab hold of His promise of John 10:10. Words cannot express the freedom I feel in my life. I've been clean from this habit for over a year and I am not looking back. I started to take hold of the first principle: Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable and Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that ourlives had become unmanageable. This was so a picture of my life!

I am so indebted to CR, Blue Ridge, Debbie and my step study group for their obedience and willingness to allow others to say "I am FREE!" I started going on Sundays and was quickly ushered into leading a group for the younger women. My co-leader and I had 4 consistent girls and 4 non-consistent ones. Of those, only 1 or two are still following God passionately. It was very frustrating to me because while I was ever moving towards God, I struggled with anger because my co-leader was stuck and not moving forward. In turn, many of the group members were stuck and not moving forward. Even though I enjoyed seeing change and growth when it happened, it wasn't consistent and it wasn't something that produced life change for the members in the group. I began to feel disheartened and discourage and started to battle against feeling bitter about the fact that CR happened on a Sunday during football season. I should say that it wasn't the football that I cared about (at least not to the point of feeling bitter). It was the fact that my closest friends hung out every Sunday as a community. I missed that closeness with them and the memories made there. I missed out on forming relationships with them and getting support from them because of that. But, I also think that God had me there for a reason and looking back, I'm not upset or bitter. I was being obedient.

At the beginning of this year, I was overwhelmed with Joshua's constant tantrums and never napping. He was about to be kicked out of another daycare and I was frustrated. To top it off, I didn't have a rest or Sabbath day because my weekends were filled with social obligations and on Sunday, CR. I prayed to God as well as listened and we decided that I needed to take a break. This wasn't working and it wasn't something I was passionate about. So, I stepped down from leading that group. The group actually disbanded because it wasn't healthy. My co-leader continued to participate in a group and the ones who were serious about God remained serious and are thriving.

My absence did not go unnoticed and I started getting the "we miss you, now don't you feel bad about missing CR"? looks. Because of my time there, I've worked on my co-dependent issues and so these didn't phase me. I was being obedient and God was blessing me for it. I felt rested on Monday mornings, Joshua and I were able to bond over the weekends and I was able to connect in a more real way with new friends. I also was able to start attending TruthWorks on Tuesdays and as we studied the book of Nehemiah, I was again reminded how much I love studying scripture with other people. This SO fills my tank! Exchanging ideas and insights over God's Word... leaves me speechless! God allowed it so that I didn't miss a single one and made new acquaintances. Not only that,but every week, I was able to point something that we learned back to CR and the steps! So, new people were learning about CR and how it's impacted not just addicts, but to everyday people. It was amazing!

Meanwhile, I'm still struggling on where God wants me. Does He want me to return to leadership? Does He want me to serve? Does He want me to work with the teens or children? But God just said, "Be patient." So, I am:) Then, last week, Debbie called and asked if I wanted to go to the Summit which is the big conference for CR to look at the new material for the teens. I was not happy that she asked me because I didn't know her motive. So, I prayed and asked God for guidance. He gave me questions to ask and after being disobedient by deciding to put it off until after I finished watching my show on TV, I called her. We talked and as we talked, I prayed. I was clear that I didn't know what my purpose was to be in CR and that God may be taking me out of it altogether! At the end, she said that regardless, she still wanted me to go even if it was just a confirmation that God has something different. So, I'm going back to Cali and am excited. Hopefully, it will help to provide insight into where God really wants me in the ministry and if He wants me there at all.

The other day, I was asking God to reveal what He truly wants me to do and where to serve. Is it leadership here or in something else? Does He want me to step out of leadership and just do lighting or is there more? I was talking to a dear friend and I was telling her about my leadership experiences and mentioned that I didn't like how stagnate some of my groups were. I also talked about how God has been moving in my life and placing people in my path to counsel and listen to. How He gave me words and themes to tell them and how cool that was. I talked about how God gives me Scripture for them, etc. She looks at me and she basically says that maybe my gift isn't leadership because leaders are more concerned about the people moving towards God and have a burden and passion for those who are stagnate. She then said that maybe my spiritual gift was closer to prophecy. So, I took an inventory of my last couple of weeks as well as my last few years. I looked at how God talks to me and does in fact give me the words to say, how I can find a biblical application for someone who is going through a particular situation and how my heartbeat quickens when things like this happen and the pieces really started to fall into place. Over 5 years ago, a man stopped mid-step during a Catalyst conference and basically said that God told him to tell me that I was going to use my gift of prophecy for Him. It seems that it was not just a random occurrence. God is birthing that in me and I am excited about what He wants me to do. While I still don't know what the big picture is, I do know that God is revealing it in His own time, at His own pace. I am excited and can't wait to see where He takes me next!