A lot has happened and yet not much is new under the sun. Joshua is now 13. I can't believe that. School is over for the year and I am thankful. Having a child with trauma is tough. Everyday is a battle for him to trust in what he knows is true. I wish that I could make it easier for him but I know that it is something that only God can heal. Most times, I'm able to use humor to keep from losing my mind. Sometimes, I cannot. It all just depends on the day. God still teaches me that I need to remember that he is still growing and that God will redeem all of the muck for His glory. I often have to remind myself of this as again, it is a lot of work raising him. Sometimes, I get jealous of other moms of kids without the battles of trauma. They lament over their child's struggles and sometimes, it is hard for me to show compassion. They can trust their child with things that I cannot trust my child. Many of their children are emotionally developing normally. This is not a complaint or criticism; just an observation. Most days, I love my adventure. I am constantly praying that I haven't made things worse when he does become an adult. I am praying that one of these days, he will say yes to God as I know that God is actively pursuing him. But it's hard for him to trust God who he cannot see as he doesn't trust me who he sees every day. So, I try to be patient because God is patient with me.
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Armor
To say that the past almost 7 weeks have been some of the hardest of my life is an understatement of the century.
Tuesday, November 23, I get a call from my friends telling me to call them right away because something has happened. I called Nicole and she told me that David, my friend's 23 month old son died a few hours ago. I'm at work and all of a sudden, the celebration of work Thanksgiving ends as I burst into tears. I'm speechless. I rush over and much to my dismay, it's not a dream and their words were not lost in translation. David was gone. I'd just missed the coroner and all of the other medical personnel. I am not a person with great words in situations like this. My mouth is my biggest enemy. BUT God's words are living and active. So this is all I can give. I don't remember a lot about those weeks except for troubled sleep, lots of crying and grieving and hugging. 7 weeks later and I still don't like Tuesdays and I miss Baby D terribly.
But God showed up (and continues to show up) in a tremendous way. God's people moved and it was amazing to watch as people surrounded them and loved on them. And they came to me too and said, "I'm praying for you, Janelle."
Praying for me? I didn't lose my son. Why are they praying for me? Oh wait... because I'm a big mess. For a while there, I struggled to find my "place". I'm a doer. I need things to do. I love to serve. But when serving looks different, I struggle. And struggle I did. Things were said that I didn't like and I wanted to say, "Wait, what about my thoughts and feelings?" And not in a healthy way. By God's grace, I recognized it before I opened my mouth and became a clashing cymbal. I had to repent my thoughts as I realized that my thoughts were not godly. My perspective was off and I knew it. So, I went to the scripture that I'd given to the Posids. That's all I knew to do. God's word is living and active. As these weeks have passed, God has shown me His goodness and His love in so many ways. He reminded me that we are a community. We take care of each other. He comforts them and He comforts me as well.
This week was especially difficult. Satan has been after me in a brand new way. He couldn't get me to turn to my old habits (I caught on fairly quickly and did not fall), so, instead I had trouble sleeping (one of my favorite things to do), and had bad dreams that played on my insecurities in a HUGE way. So, when Satan can't get a hold of me in the day, he comes at night. But while talking with Amanda and Dawn, Dawn said, "I'm sure that Satan is after you big time, Amanda." She shook her head and said that not a single bad comment has been left and that they were completely blocked from Satan's attacks. It took me a while to see that Satan wasn't attacking Dan and Amanda because they were covered in prayer (and still are); he was attacking me while I was praying. When this realization dawned on me, I said, "Nope, they are not being attacked. The ones who are lifting them up are." This of course was followed by Amanda asking, "So have YOU (Janelle) been asking for prayer?"
Me: "Um.... no because it's stupid..." oh wait. (Light bulb).
Satan is a big fat liar. I know that and yet, because of my humanity, I forgot that God lifts all of us up as we need. No request is too small for God. No prayer goes unanswered especially when someone is asking for something that has already been promised. God is the Comforter. He is the God who Sees. He is the Healer. He is that for my friends but He is also that for me.
Grief is a horrible thing. I didn't think that I would grieve this hard but I have. I find myself crying at random times as I remember Baby D. Sunday lunches are difficult. Watching Danmanda navigate this is difficult. It is heart wrenching. Watching God work through this has been AMAZING.
This morning at BRCC, Woody was talking about the Samaritan woman. After lunch, we went back to Amanda's house and she was talking about his talk. She said something that really resonated with me. She said that she was trying to find out where she was in the talk. Then Woody told some desert story. Basically, it was a fable of some kind where there was a jar of water next to a pump. The person had a choice. They could either drink the water in the jar or they could use the water to prime the pump and drink as much as they wanted. And Amanda said, "Right now, God is making me the pump and He has everyone else pumping so that His words are coming out because it's definitely not me." (She of course said it much better than I repeated them here). It was at this point that these verses rang out to me:
Ephesians 6:10-17
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12 For our struggle is not against [e]flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14 Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 [f]in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
So, this is where I am. Now I know and knowing (or recognizing) is half the battle. I am taking this one day at a time, one moment at a time. I'm trusting God to make all of this right and to protect me from the evil one. If you are reading this, I ask that you will pray for me. Pray that I will stand firm and that I will not walk out naked; but instead walk covered from head to toe with my armor on. I don't want to be a stumbling block. I want to stand firm in the fullness of God. I want to run my race well even though right now, I can't see very clearly since my journey right now is full of tears and grief. But God never wastes a hurt. He is with me all the time and He is faithful even when I can't see it.
Tuesday, November 23, I get a call from my friends telling me to call them right away because something has happened. I called Nicole and she told me that David, my friend's 23 month old son died a few hours ago. I'm at work and all of a sudden, the celebration of work Thanksgiving ends as I burst into tears. I'm speechless. I rush over and much to my dismay, it's not a dream and their words were not lost in translation. David was gone. I'd just missed the coroner and all of the other medical personnel. I am not a person with great words in situations like this. My mouth is my biggest enemy. BUT God's words are living and active. So this is all I can give. I don't remember a lot about those weeks except for troubled sleep, lots of crying and grieving and hugging. 7 weeks later and I still don't like Tuesdays and I miss Baby D terribly.
But God showed up (and continues to show up) in a tremendous way. God's people moved and it was amazing to watch as people surrounded them and loved on them. And they came to me too and said, "I'm praying for you, Janelle."
Praying for me? I didn't lose my son. Why are they praying for me? Oh wait... because I'm a big mess. For a while there, I struggled to find my "place". I'm a doer. I need things to do. I love to serve. But when serving looks different, I struggle. And struggle I did. Things were said that I didn't like and I wanted to say, "Wait, what about my thoughts and feelings?" And not in a healthy way. By God's grace, I recognized it before I opened my mouth and became a clashing cymbal. I had to repent my thoughts as I realized that my thoughts were not godly. My perspective was off and I knew it. So, I went to the scripture that I'd given to the Posids. That's all I knew to do. God's word is living and active. As these weeks have passed, God has shown me His goodness and His love in so many ways. He reminded me that we are a community. We take care of each other. He comforts them and He comforts me as well.
This week was especially difficult. Satan has been after me in a brand new way. He couldn't get me to turn to my old habits (I caught on fairly quickly and did not fall), so, instead I had trouble sleeping (one of my favorite things to do), and had bad dreams that played on my insecurities in a HUGE way. So, when Satan can't get a hold of me in the day, he comes at night. But while talking with Amanda and Dawn, Dawn said, "I'm sure that Satan is after you big time, Amanda." She shook her head and said that not a single bad comment has been left and that they were completely blocked from Satan's attacks. It took me a while to see that Satan wasn't attacking Dan and Amanda because they were covered in prayer (and still are); he was attacking me while I was praying. When this realization dawned on me, I said, "Nope, they are not being attacked. The ones who are lifting them up are." This of course was followed by Amanda asking, "So have YOU (Janelle) been asking for prayer?"
Me: "Um.... no because it's stupid..." oh wait. (Light bulb).
Satan is a big fat liar. I know that and yet, because of my humanity, I forgot that God lifts all of us up as we need. No request is too small for God. No prayer goes unanswered especially when someone is asking for something that has already been promised. God is the Comforter. He is the God who Sees. He is the Healer. He is that for my friends but He is also that for me.
Grief is a horrible thing. I didn't think that I would grieve this hard but I have. I find myself crying at random times as I remember Baby D. Sunday lunches are difficult. Watching Danmanda navigate this is difficult. It is heart wrenching. Watching God work through this has been AMAZING.
This morning at BRCC, Woody was talking about the Samaritan woman. After lunch, we went back to Amanda's house and she was talking about his talk. She said something that really resonated with me. She said that she was trying to find out where she was in the talk. Then Woody told some desert story. Basically, it was a fable of some kind where there was a jar of water next to a pump. The person had a choice. They could either drink the water in the jar or they could use the water to prime the pump and drink as much as they wanted. And Amanda said, "Right now, God is making me the pump and He has everyone else pumping so that His words are coming out because it's definitely not me." (She of course said it much better than I repeated them here). It was at this point that these verses rang out to me:
Ephesians 6:10-17
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12 For our struggle is not against [e]flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14 Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 [f]in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
So, this is where I am. Now I know and knowing (or recognizing) is half the battle. I am taking this one day at a time, one moment at a time. I'm trusting God to make all of this right and to protect me from the evil one. If you are reading this, I ask that you will pray for me. Pray that I will stand firm and that I will not walk out naked; but instead walk covered from head to toe with my armor on. I don't want to be a stumbling block. I want to stand firm in the fullness of God. I want to run my race well even though right now, I can't see very clearly since my journey right now is full of tears and grief. But God never wastes a hurt. He is with me all the time and He is faithful even when I can't see it.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
My 50 lb. plow Part 2
My son has been struggling a lot lately. He doesn't like to
acknowledge this. He's the kid whose arm could fall off and even though
you point out that he has a stump, he argues that it's not actually a
stump it's just a shorter arm without hands and fingers. Or like a blind
person who will refuse to acknowledge their blindness even though they
bump into every corner, screaming OW! and then changes direction to walk
into a wall instead of just asking for help or direction. It drives me
crazy! He is getting better every year and now, he will bump into walls
and not corners. A few weeks ago, the school sent an email asking for
volunteers for Lego League. Joshua LOVES Legos. He is creative and loves
to build. So as a good mom, I signed him up and then volunteered as
well. I sacrificed my mornings to make sure that I would be available to
help the team in the evenings. I talked it up and reminded him for the
umpteenth time that his behavior would affect his ability to remain in
the club. When we were there together, everything went well. The next
week, he struggled and later that week, I emailed the coach to say that I
was going to keep him out that day because he didn't get his homework
done. I sent him back the next Monday and then got the dreaded call. The
week before, Joshua was an absolute nightmare. He wasn't listening,
etc. etc. The same old pattern of behaviors emerged. Eventually after
many miscommunications, I talked to the coach and teacher and she
informed me that he was no longer going to be a part of Lego League
because of his behavior. This was one day of poor choices and this
wonderful thing was gone. We discussed this and how it happened that he
couldn't participate. It was a hard lesson. I was hopeful. Maybe that
would get his attention. And it did... for 24 whole hours. The next
week, he got in trouble in school for almost the exact same behavior.
And this time, it cost him a party at the end of the 9 weeks. All the
kids have to do is get in trouble less than 15 times in 9 weeks. They
have these things called HABIT letters. Every letter stands for a
choice. When you make a poor choice, a letter disappears based on the
letter it violated. 15 warnings before you lose this party. That is a
pretty low bar... And of course, my son lost out. So next week, he'll be
the only child in his class who doesn't get to participate. We talked
about it. He connected it and then the next day, lost more habit letters
for being rude and argumentative. FRUSTRATING!!!!
At times, I can handle it. But today, I was just through. I'm tired of it all. Sounding like a broken record, my son's self pity, all of it. One of the sayings in our home is "Please, act like I raised you." Because I have raised him. But often in other environments, he acts like he wasn't raised right at all. Yes, all parents say that but seriously... I work in foster care and at times, my son acts no different than them who were older than he was when he was plucked out of the dysfunctional environment that he was in even though they are older and their experiences were much more traumatic. I understand the brain stuff and the trauma stuff but still, we are going on 7 years and sometimes the progress seems so... disappointing. Sometimes, I think outside of the box when it comes to getting my point across with him. Sometimes, that's the only way that he will listen. He may not heed it later but he will at least listen. So, I turned the tables and acted like I didn't raise him. I asked him what made him my son and he showed me a lot of things. My signature on his homework, his clothes, etc. I told him that none of it meant that I was his mom and he was my son. Everything that he said, I turned back on him. Boy was he frustrated. He kept telling me that he was my son and it hurt his feelings that I was acting as if he wasn't mine. He then became incredibly dramatic and I had a hard time not laughing but I held it together as he delivered a performance so dramatic he should have won an Emmy. I then told him that kids act like their parents. Not all the time, but kids act like their parents. No, they are not perfect and they mess up but they still act like their parents. Growing up we knew who had the "good" parents. The "good" kids. We weren't allowed to hang out with the rough kids. Their parents didn't raise them right. We weren't allowed to spend the night although they could come to our house. We were quizzed on what is appropriate and what was not. We said please and thank you and my sister and I took great pride in parents commenting on our fine manners. Sure we were hellions at home but in public? Perfect angels because we wanted to live to be adults and death by parents knocking us into next week was not that appealing.
I talked to my son about that phrase again today. God told the Israelites the same thing. Please act like I raised you. Don't do stupid things and get yourselves in sticky situations that I will have to give you consequences for. Don't ruin my reputation with your actions. Take responsibility. Love one another and love others. Act like I raised you. I don't want to be angry with you all the time. You are dear to me and I want everyone to see that.
Of course I am paraphrasing but you get the point. Jesus told his followers and those who were in the crowd that a person could do the right things and go through the motions but it didn't mean anything if they didn't make the choice to belong to God. Yes, God chose them but they also had to choose God. In that same vein, I chose Joshua... actually I chose God who chose Joshua and I chose to be obedient... I love him and am trying to set an example of what love looks like by pointing him to God. But in any adoption, the choice is two fold. The parent chooses the child but the child has to decide to choose the parent. Joshua is mine because I chose him. I am raising him and I want the best for him. But he has the choice whether he is going to act like a loved child or whether he is going to act like an orphan. I can't make that choice for him. This is what I told him. I will always choose him but he has to choose me as well. This is the crux of the plow for me. I have a 50 pound alabaster plow. What God showed me is that parenthood is a big giant loud obnoxious screaming plow. YAY!
OK not so much yay as back to the original thought (boy did that take a while). I am a pessimistic optimist. I hope for the best. I pray for the best for Joshua. I pray that this time, he will take what I said and apply it. That he will choose to use his powers for good instead of evil. That he will act like I raised him. But at the same time, I know that it's not going to happen right away. I have to accept that. I cannot change him. I can only guide him. I have faith that God doesn't waste a thing. God is a miracle worker and I have a miracle that needs to be worked. I mean, for goodness sake two out of his three names means salvation (Joshua Christian). God has much planned for my adventurous boy. Until then, I will toil behind the plow. The growth is slow but it is there. It just is growing really really slowly but at least it's growing.
At times, I can handle it. But today, I was just through. I'm tired of it all. Sounding like a broken record, my son's self pity, all of it. One of the sayings in our home is "Please, act like I raised you." Because I have raised him. But often in other environments, he acts like he wasn't raised right at all. Yes, all parents say that but seriously... I work in foster care and at times, my son acts no different than them who were older than he was when he was plucked out of the dysfunctional environment that he was in even though they are older and their experiences were much more traumatic. I understand the brain stuff and the trauma stuff but still, we are going on 7 years and sometimes the progress seems so... disappointing. Sometimes, I think outside of the box when it comes to getting my point across with him. Sometimes, that's the only way that he will listen. He may not heed it later but he will at least listen. So, I turned the tables and acted like I didn't raise him. I asked him what made him my son and he showed me a lot of things. My signature on his homework, his clothes, etc. I told him that none of it meant that I was his mom and he was my son. Everything that he said, I turned back on him. Boy was he frustrated. He kept telling me that he was my son and it hurt his feelings that I was acting as if he wasn't mine. He then became incredibly dramatic and I had a hard time not laughing but I held it together as he delivered a performance so dramatic he should have won an Emmy. I then told him that kids act like their parents. Not all the time, but kids act like their parents. No, they are not perfect and they mess up but they still act like their parents. Growing up we knew who had the "good" parents. The "good" kids. We weren't allowed to hang out with the rough kids. Their parents didn't raise them right. We weren't allowed to spend the night although they could come to our house. We were quizzed on what is appropriate and what was not. We said please and thank you and my sister and I took great pride in parents commenting on our fine manners. Sure we were hellions at home but in public? Perfect angels because we wanted to live to be adults and death by parents knocking us into next week was not that appealing.
I talked to my son about that phrase again today. God told the Israelites the same thing. Please act like I raised you. Don't do stupid things and get yourselves in sticky situations that I will have to give you consequences for. Don't ruin my reputation with your actions. Take responsibility. Love one another and love others. Act like I raised you. I don't want to be angry with you all the time. You are dear to me and I want everyone to see that.
Of course I am paraphrasing but you get the point. Jesus told his followers and those who were in the crowd that a person could do the right things and go through the motions but it didn't mean anything if they didn't make the choice to belong to God. Yes, God chose them but they also had to choose God. In that same vein, I chose Joshua... actually I chose God who chose Joshua and I chose to be obedient... I love him and am trying to set an example of what love looks like by pointing him to God. But in any adoption, the choice is two fold. The parent chooses the child but the child has to decide to choose the parent. Joshua is mine because I chose him. I am raising him and I want the best for him. But he has the choice whether he is going to act like a loved child or whether he is going to act like an orphan. I can't make that choice for him. This is what I told him. I will always choose him but he has to choose me as well. This is the crux of the plow for me. I have a 50 pound alabaster plow. What God showed me is that parenthood is a big giant loud obnoxious screaming plow. YAY!
OK not so much yay as back to the original thought (boy did that take a while). I am a pessimistic optimist. I hope for the best. I pray for the best for Joshua. I pray that this time, he will take what I said and apply it. That he will choose to use his powers for good instead of evil. That he will act like I raised him. But at the same time, I know that it's not going to happen right away. I have to accept that. I cannot change him. I can only guide him. I have faith that God doesn't waste a thing. God is a miracle worker and I have a miracle that needs to be worked. I mean, for goodness sake two out of his three names means salvation (Joshua Christian). God has much planned for my adventurous boy. Until then, I will toil behind the plow. The growth is slow but it is there. It just is growing really really slowly but at least it's growing.
My 50 lb. plow Part 1
So, our church has just finished a series called "The Plow". It was amazing like a lot of them are. If I was to be honest, I hate series like this. I mean what they ask us to do is so unpleasant. I mean, you know it's coming. A plow to rake through the earth. Scraping in order to find new growth... Working hard in the hope that something great is coming... Then of course comes the part where you (I) reluctantly ask, "What is my plow?" "What do you want from me?" not always because I am eager to learn a new way to experience turmoil but because often as a Christian, we are reminded of verses which tell us about how we are to respond in the hard times. Heck, as a black woman in America, all of the spirituals growing up alluded to hard times and how we are to praise God in the midst of them.
In some of them, the song tempo is solemn and full of hope. In others, it's fast paced but still talks about being in pain or turmoil. Joy always comes "in the morning". As a black American who grew up in The Church I always saw it as us being pessimistic optimists. I mean, we were sad, lonely, hurting, going through something, always broke and in despair but someday things were going to get better. We had Jesus to save us. We had the Holy Spirit to comfort us and God to watch over us from above. I always (and still do) took comfort in that. When I went to LU, it wasn't so much that as I've often observed in some of my less pigmented friends a different point of view. Yes, things were tough but to talk about them was to dishonor God. I mean, God gave us everything. What right or authority did I have to discuss the ugliness when God is beauty and love? Yes, your life sucks but focus on the good and if you believe enough it will come. From both came the idea that if I was good, I will be blessed but if not, God will get me.
The problem with both points of view was that neither one is entirely truth although there is truth in both. As I grew, I started to realize that neither was a complete picture of Who God or even Jesus is to me. After a lot of searching and researching, I came to understand that God is so much more complicated than that. I stopped listening to those thoughts and long held beliefs and started reading and asking for clarification. This lead me to CR and a realization that much of what I believed was complete bullocks. Yes, I'm going to go through hard times but that doesn't mean that God is out to get me or that I did something wrong. Nor did every day have to have bad things happen so that I can look forward to joy in the morning. I am NOT a morning person and therefore my joy is not present there. I don't even remember most mornings as I pretend that I'm awake until at least 11am. ;) But I am getting off topic.
I thought I understood. I thought I had a grasp. I wasn't cocky about it but I was getting a sense of at least understanding a little bit. But I'm learning that the little bit I understood then and now is equatable to what we understand about the universe. How did I learn this valuable lesson? I had a kid. Not just a kid. I had a Joshua. In one day my life was flipped upside down, inside out backwards and forwards all at the same time. I don't know what it's like to have a child from birth. But a child who is not biologically yours is quite a learning curve. I went from understanding kids and behavior to understanding that I was not the expert I thought I was. I learned more about who God was from my son than anything else that I've ever experienced. And the lessons keep coming.
In some of them, the song tempo is solemn and full of hope. In others, it's fast paced but still talks about being in pain or turmoil. Joy always comes "in the morning". As a black American who grew up in The Church I always saw it as us being pessimistic optimists. I mean, we were sad, lonely, hurting, going through something, always broke and in despair but someday things were going to get better. We had Jesus to save us. We had the Holy Spirit to comfort us and God to watch over us from above. I always (and still do) took comfort in that. When I went to LU, it wasn't so much that as I've often observed in some of my less pigmented friends a different point of view. Yes, things were tough but to talk about them was to dishonor God. I mean, God gave us everything. What right or authority did I have to discuss the ugliness when God is beauty and love? Yes, your life sucks but focus on the good and if you believe enough it will come. From both came the idea that if I was good, I will be blessed but if not, God will get me.
The problem with both points of view was that neither one is entirely truth although there is truth in both. As I grew, I started to realize that neither was a complete picture of Who God or even Jesus is to me. After a lot of searching and researching, I came to understand that God is so much more complicated than that. I stopped listening to those thoughts and long held beliefs and started reading and asking for clarification. This lead me to CR and a realization that much of what I believed was complete bullocks. Yes, I'm going to go through hard times but that doesn't mean that God is out to get me or that I did something wrong. Nor did every day have to have bad things happen so that I can look forward to joy in the morning. I am NOT a morning person and therefore my joy is not present there. I don't even remember most mornings as I pretend that I'm awake until at least 11am. ;) But I am getting off topic.
I thought I understood. I thought I had a grasp. I wasn't cocky about it but I was getting a sense of at least understanding a little bit. But I'm learning that the little bit I understood then and now is equatable to what we understand about the universe. How did I learn this valuable lesson? I had a kid. Not just a kid. I had a Joshua. In one day my life was flipped upside down, inside out backwards and forwards all at the same time. I don't know what it's like to have a child from birth. But a child who is not biologically yours is quite a learning curve. I went from understanding kids and behavior to understanding that I was not the expert I thought I was. I learned more about who God was from my son than anything else that I've ever experienced. And the lessons keep coming.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
*Sigh*
Recently I've been in a spiritual stump. We've all been there right? It happens so gradually that you don't realize that it's happened until you're trying to figure out why the Spirit doesn't move you like it used to. Instead of relishing in the spirit of the holidays, I was simply trying to keep my head above water. I tried to talk to God and couldn't find the words to say. After a devastating work situation with a kid, it really was all I could do to wake up and return to work day after day. I was grieving and trying to keep up with the other kids who were still in my case load. I was not successful and spent all of December wandering if I was ever going to have the energy to catch up on missed paperwork. At the same time, I didn't want to do anything and found it hard to stay on top of things that up until that point had never been an issue. December's stresses continued as all of my kids on my caseload lost their cotton pickin' minds! I ended up doing what I comes naturally to me these past few years... escaping into TV. I found that I was able to shut my mind off and not think about the stress and the pressures of the day and of my job.This meant missed opportunities, arriving later and later to work, missing Sunday mornings and completely turning off God at times to escape. This turned into a mild depression where I just felt numb. Don't get me wrong, there were some highlights. My family rocks, I mean they seriously do. While my kids at work were losing it, my own son was able to successfully manage the holidays like a child without trauma triggers. This was a major accomplishment especially since there were many nights where others picked him up from daycare because I was working. But if anything required any type of serious effort, I knew it wasn't really going to happen. I could feel things getting out of control including the Landing. Spiritually, we were all being attacked. It was so discouraging. But the one thing that I was able to remember was that I wasn't going to stay there forever. I spent the New Year at home not because I didn't have anywhere to go, but because I didn't want to go anywhere. As January came, I started remembering that regardless of what was going on at work, I had a life and I had things that needed to get done. I slowly started to catch up. My paperwork was completed, the kids started to return to normal, I remembered that I had community... I made the decision to remember what was most important and decided that I was going to participate in the next Bible study. Gideon, here I come. Things are still stressful BUT I have remembered who I am and have gone back to focusing on what's important... although can I just say, I'm tired of winter. I want to thaw out now. I live in the south so that we have breaks from consistent winter weather. Where are the 60 degree breaks and above average temperatures?
Monday, February 11, 2013
Scratchy Sweaters and Unpopular Views
Lately, God has been changing me and I've been resisting the change... I guess that's not the way to put it... I'm not changing per se; what I'm about to write has for the most part always been how I feel about things but the need to speak these things have been like a scratchy sweater or wool blanket... oh so warm and comfortable but you often want to put something on to buffer the skin irritation... I've got to think of a better analogy! But I digress.
Let me start off with a basis for what I'm going to say. I think that everyone can agree that we live in a broken world. There is abuse and corruption and all sorts of ichiness. Over a week ago, part of our church family lost a two year old girl... Everyday, children are being beaten and abused... People are using guns to kill others and at times to kill the most innocent and I think, what is going on? Why is this all happening? I want to grab my family and move like a protected blob through life so that none of us gets hurt. But that's unrealistic. I love reading. I love watching TV. I love learning; just don't give me a test;). I love reading Scripture as God teaches and reminds me of His truths. What a beautiful God that I serve! There's a problem though. The more I read about God, the more the world makes less sense to me. While He is not growing, my knowledge of Him and His ways certainly do. I was watching a documentary of a young Jewish kid who was preparing for his Bar Mitzvah. He had Down's Syndrome and yet his innocence and reliance on God was so inspiring. (The documentary is called Praying for Lior). Here he was and he didn't understand a lot of things, but he constantly sang his prayers to God. He had that blind innocent faith that many children and child-like thinkers have. When I read through the Scriptures I find the same thing; especially in the Old Testament. God is seen as a refuge and relief from all of the battling. When they remembered, the Israelites were able to see just how holy God was. When Moses asked Who God was, God simply answered, "I AM." He is the Alpha and Omega; the be all and end all. He didn't begin and He won't end. He created us all. This is the basis of where my thoughts and comments begin. This is my foundation and the back story behind this particular entry.
As I said earlier, I love reading and I love watching TV. I love how God has wired us up to be story tellers and how in the end, Love wins. My problem is our culture's definition of love. Often I find that what we think of as love is not the same as God's Love. Because of this, we give love parameters. Love can only look this way. If it doesn't then it's not love. To me, this is a scary thing and it's something that plagues our culture and our world. God's Love is everlasting and wise and just. God's Love comes with parameters and rules. While there were hundreds of rules in the Old Testament that had to be followed for one thing or another, in the New Testament, some of those rules were no longer needed because of health improvements or because God was teaching new things and those rules became symbols. For example, Peter is told that there is no longer any food that was unclean. Also, after Christ's death and resurrection, you no longer needed to go through the religious rituals and see your local Rabbi to sacrifice something for you because Jesus made that practice obsolete. Also, Jesus made it a point to reach out to others whose views were not the same as His own and encouraged His disciples to do the same. In all of those cases, God was very clear about how things were to work and why these rules were no longer necessary. On the other hand, there were several things that continued to ring true in both the Old and New Testament. God still wanted us to remember where we'd come from; in the OT, they were to use stones. In the NT, we use communion and celebrate significant occasions like Christmas and Easter. Jesus tells us in both the Old and New Testament that He is the Messiah and He is coming back to set things right.
Now here is where I start to struggle. Gender roles continue to hold consistently in both testaments. Men are still supposed to be the head over women. As a woman, I want to balk against that. In a lot of ways, I want to say that it's not fair as I've known so many wise women and so many foolish men. And then of course, there's Romans 1:16-32. Paul starts off by saying that he's not ashamed of the Gospel because it's through the gospel that power from the Holy Spirit comes. The righteous live by faith. I wish that I could say that whole-heartedly but in many ways I can't. This is why I'm putting it here on my blog instead of on my Facebook page. But I have to start somewhere, right? In the list that Paul uses, he basically gets everyone. I mean, look at Romans 1:18- 23:
18 The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.
21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools 23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles.
Paul just lays it out. If it ended there, we could say, "Yeah, that Paul. Preach it brotha!" and shake our heads at the foolishness of others. BUT Paul keeps going just to make sure that we understand exactly what he's talking about:
24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.
28 Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. 29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. 32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
As a people, we want to skip verses 24 through 27 and censor it so that it's not there. We don't mind the other things, but those? How heartless and prejudice can Paul be? I was watching a movie the other day and the premise was that this woman was being nominated for "Catholic Woman of the Year" meanwhile, her son was having an affair and about to leave his wife and two children (whom he'd gotten pregnant when they were younger and married her) and a daughter who was a lesbian. She's doing everything that she can to do penance for their lifestyle and basically shuns her daughter choosing to live in denial and shames her son trying to convince him to return to his wife and kids. At one point, her daughter is getting married and she's at the ceremony. The priest who is there in secret is about to marry them and he asks the audience to pray that God will bless their "holy" union. At this point, I can sense my itchy sweater. Why? Because God is not going to bless sin; EVER. I am not just talking about same sex relationships; I'm talking about all sin. If you sleep with a person that you're not married to, God's not going to bless that. It's sin. If you lie and steal to get ahead at work, God's not going to bless that... even if it's to feed your family or whatever other excuse we come up with. Then, to make matters worse (I stopped watching at that point), today, they talked about the Pope resigning and American Catholics were asked what they hoped for as far as change in the papacy. They replied that they wanted more religious tolerance because the Church was old fashioned and not current. I really became angry at that. How can we as a people who haven't been around for very long dictate to the God of the universe; the One Who created us and made everything of beauty... how can we have the audacity to tell God that He needs to get with the times and culture? Seriously? That to me is like Joshua telling me that discipline is so over-rated and I just need to let him do whatever because I don't know anything. I think you know what my response would be... and how he would react.
Don't think that this is about Catholics. In Protestant churches as well the same thing is happening. The Boy Scouts are thinking about renigging the policy of gay boy scout leaders, churches all over are blurring the lines of Scripture to keep current with culture and turning their heads from infidelity and sin of all types simply because of the gain that they get from it... or simply to remain "relevant" and not offend.
Yes, God wants us to love each other. I don't believe in treating people like lepers and prosecuting them because they struggle with sin. I have many gay friends and they have no doubt that I love them; however I don't agree with their lifestyle and pray for them daily. I honestly believe that God wants to free us from sin and only He has that power. I don't believe that this makes me prejudiced. I don't believe that it makes me closed minded or even ignorant. Last time I checked, compared to God, I'm quite young... I choose to believe that maybe He knows what He's talking about regardless of whether or not I agree. God is not the One with the problem. He's the One with the solution. I think that my view can be summed up with the end of Job. Job was upset because he'd lost everything except for unsupportive friends and a nagging wife. Towards the end, God's basically asking him, "And who do you think you are?" Job wisely says, 'No one compared to you... so I'll just shut up and listen and do whatever you say." I don't think Job liked that time in his life. I'm sure that he looked back on that thinking how unfair it was that he lost everything in such a short amount of time. But regardless, he remembered that he was a baby who knew nothing compared to God. I pray for our culture who boxes their god in their own version of truth and then tries to convince us who know the True God to do the same. I think that Paul hit the nail on the head in his prayer to the Ephesians... may we as followers of Christ live in this way:
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Amen.
Let me start off with a basis for what I'm going to say. I think that everyone can agree that we live in a broken world. There is abuse and corruption and all sorts of ichiness. Over a week ago, part of our church family lost a two year old girl... Everyday, children are being beaten and abused... People are using guns to kill others and at times to kill the most innocent and I think, what is going on? Why is this all happening? I want to grab my family and move like a protected blob through life so that none of us gets hurt. But that's unrealistic. I love reading. I love watching TV. I love learning; just don't give me a test;). I love reading Scripture as God teaches and reminds me of His truths. What a beautiful God that I serve! There's a problem though. The more I read about God, the more the world makes less sense to me. While He is not growing, my knowledge of Him and His ways certainly do. I was watching a documentary of a young Jewish kid who was preparing for his Bar Mitzvah. He had Down's Syndrome and yet his innocence and reliance on God was so inspiring. (The documentary is called Praying for Lior). Here he was and he didn't understand a lot of things, but he constantly sang his prayers to God. He had that blind innocent faith that many children and child-like thinkers have. When I read through the Scriptures I find the same thing; especially in the Old Testament. God is seen as a refuge and relief from all of the battling. When they remembered, the Israelites were able to see just how holy God was. When Moses asked Who God was, God simply answered, "I AM." He is the Alpha and Omega; the be all and end all. He didn't begin and He won't end. He created us all. This is the basis of where my thoughts and comments begin. This is my foundation and the back story behind this particular entry.
As I said earlier, I love reading and I love watching TV. I love how God has wired us up to be story tellers and how in the end, Love wins. My problem is our culture's definition of love. Often I find that what we think of as love is not the same as God's Love. Because of this, we give love parameters. Love can only look this way. If it doesn't then it's not love. To me, this is a scary thing and it's something that plagues our culture and our world. God's Love is everlasting and wise and just. God's Love comes with parameters and rules. While there were hundreds of rules in the Old Testament that had to be followed for one thing or another, in the New Testament, some of those rules were no longer needed because of health improvements or because God was teaching new things and those rules became symbols. For example, Peter is told that there is no longer any food that was unclean. Also, after Christ's death and resurrection, you no longer needed to go through the religious rituals and see your local Rabbi to sacrifice something for you because Jesus made that practice obsolete. Also, Jesus made it a point to reach out to others whose views were not the same as His own and encouraged His disciples to do the same. In all of those cases, God was very clear about how things were to work and why these rules were no longer necessary. On the other hand, there were several things that continued to ring true in both the Old and New Testament. God still wanted us to remember where we'd come from; in the OT, they were to use stones. In the NT, we use communion and celebrate significant occasions like Christmas and Easter. Jesus tells us in both the Old and New Testament that He is the Messiah and He is coming back to set things right.
Now here is where I start to struggle. Gender roles continue to hold consistently in both testaments. Men are still supposed to be the head over women. As a woman, I want to balk against that. In a lot of ways, I want to say that it's not fair as I've known so many wise women and so many foolish men. And then of course, there's Romans 1:16-32. Paul starts off by saying that he's not ashamed of the Gospel because it's through the gospel that power from the Holy Spirit comes. The righteous live by faith. I wish that I could say that whole-heartedly but in many ways I can't. This is why I'm putting it here on my blog instead of on my Facebook page. But I have to start somewhere, right? In the list that Paul uses, he basically gets everyone. I mean, look at Romans 1:18- 23:
18 The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.
21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools 23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles.
Paul just lays it out. If it ended there, we could say, "Yeah, that Paul. Preach it brotha!" and shake our heads at the foolishness of others. BUT Paul keeps going just to make sure that we understand exactly what he's talking about:
24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.
28 Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. 29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. 32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
As a people, we want to skip verses 24 through 27 and censor it so that it's not there. We don't mind the other things, but those? How heartless and prejudice can Paul be? I was watching a movie the other day and the premise was that this woman was being nominated for "Catholic Woman of the Year" meanwhile, her son was having an affair and about to leave his wife and two children (whom he'd gotten pregnant when they were younger and married her) and a daughter who was a lesbian. She's doing everything that she can to do penance for their lifestyle and basically shuns her daughter choosing to live in denial and shames her son trying to convince him to return to his wife and kids. At one point, her daughter is getting married and she's at the ceremony. The priest who is there in secret is about to marry them and he asks the audience to pray that God will bless their "holy" union. At this point, I can sense my itchy sweater. Why? Because God is not going to bless sin; EVER. I am not just talking about same sex relationships; I'm talking about all sin. If you sleep with a person that you're not married to, God's not going to bless that. It's sin. If you lie and steal to get ahead at work, God's not going to bless that... even if it's to feed your family or whatever other excuse we come up with. Then, to make matters worse (I stopped watching at that point), today, they talked about the Pope resigning and American Catholics were asked what they hoped for as far as change in the papacy. They replied that they wanted more religious tolerance because the Church was old fashioned and not current. I really became angry at that. How can we as a people who haven't been around for very long dictate to the God of the universe; the One Who created us and made everything of beauty... how can we have the audacity to tell God that He needs to get with the times and culture? Seriously? That to me is like Joshua telling me that discipline is so over-rated and I just need to let him do whatever because I don't know anything. I think you know what my response would be... and how he would react.
Don't think that this is about Catholics. In Protestant churches as well the same thing is happening. The Boy Scouts are thinking about renigging the policy of gay boy scout leaders, churches all over are blurring the lines of Scripture to keep current with culture and turning their heads from infidelity and sin of all types simply because of the gain that they get from it... or simply to remain "relevant" and not offend.
Yes, God wants us to love each other. I don't believe in treating people like lepers and prosecuting them because they struggle with sin. I have many gay friends and they have no doubt that I love them; however I don't agree with their lifestyle and pray for them daily. I honestly believe that God wants to free us from sin and only He has that power. I don't believe that this makes me prejudiced. I don't believe that it makes me closed minded or even ignorant. Last time I checked, compared to God, I'm quite young... I choose to believe that maybe He knows what He's talking about regardless of whether or not I agree. God is not the One with the problem. He's the One with the solution. I think that my view can be summed up with the end of Job. Job was upset because he'd lost everything except for unsupportive friends and a nagging wife. Towards the end, God's basically asking him, "And who do you think you are?" Job wisely says, 'No one compared to you... so I'll just shut up and listen and do whatever you say." I don't think Job liked that time in his life. I'm sure that he looked back on that thinking how unfair it was that he lost everything in such a short amount of time. But regardless, he remembered that he was a baby who knew nothing compared to God. I pray for our culture who boxes their god in their own version of truth and then tries to convince us who know the True God to do the same. I think that Paul hit the nail on the head in his prayer to the Ephesians... may we as followers of Christ live in this way:
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Amen.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Today I was reminded....
Today I was reminded about why I love being called "mommy". I can't tell you how many blogs I've started and erased about how trying my life is with my little guy. Honestly, I feel like I'm always fighting for him... sometimes with others but mostly so that he could see in him what I see in him. Yes, some of this is normal, but he seriously takes it past the realm of normality. If you don't believe me, ask around to someone whose had him overnight. They'll tell you!. We've been in this 3 month slump with this and quite frankly, I'm exhausted. It doesn't matter what I say or do, the boy just isn't happy unless he's in some sort of trouble. He'll have one or two good days and then follow up that success with 3 weeks of severe behavior (stealing, hoarding, lying, etc...) It at times seems like he has no regards to anyone's feelings but his own and he's so below his emotional milestones. Needless to say, it gets tedious and frustrating. BUT, this my friends is not what this is about.
Today, I was reminded about why I love being his mommy. Today was the first time in a long time that I saw the little boy that stole my heart. He was carefree and laughing. He was trusting and loving. He wasn't manipulative and heeded everything that I said without a "why" or even an argument. He wasn't perfect, but I don't want a perfect son. Jesus can keep that title!;) He often says that he loves me. I believe him when he says it... but today, he showed me and that is just so much better. These days were the moments that I cling to when all is wrong in my world. I fell in love again. Who knew that a water park could be so therapeutic?
Joshua did not like wearing his hat but with his *ahem* lighter skin, this was the only way to minimize the burning that was sure to happen. This was at the end of our adventures:)
Good night everyone!
Today, I was reminded about why I love being his mommy. Today was the first time in a long time that I saw the little boy that stole my heart. He was carefree and laughing. He was trusting and loving. He wasn't manipulative and heeded everything that I said without a "why" or even an argument. He wasn't perfect, but I don't want a perfect son. Jesus can keep that title!;) He often says that he loves me. I believe him when he says it... but today, he showed me and that is just so much better. These days were the moments that I cling to when all is wrong in my world. I fell in love again. Who knew that a water park could be so therapeutic?
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