So, our church has just finished a series called "The Plow". It was amazing like a lot of them are. If I was to be honest, I hate series like this. I mean what they ask us to do is so unpleasant. I mean, you know it's coming. A plow to rake through the earth. Scraping in order to find new growth... Working hard in the hope that something great is coming... Then of course comes the part where you (I) reluctantly ask, "What is my plow?" "What do you want from me?" not always because I am eager to learn a new way to experience turmoil but because often as a Christian, we are reminded of verses which tell us about how we are to respond in the hard times. Heck, as a black woman in America, all of the spirituals growing up alluded to hard times and how we are to praise God in the midst of them.
In some of them, the song tempo is solemn and full of hope. In others, it's fast paced but still talks about being in pain or turmoil. Joy always comes "in the morning". As a black American who grew up in The Church I always saw it as us being pessimistic optimists. I mean, we were sad, lonely, hurting, going through something, always broke and in despair but someday things were going to get better. We had Jesus to save us. We had the Holy Spirit to comfort us and God to watch over us from above. I always (and still do) took comfort in that. When I went to LU, it wasn't so much that as I've often observed in some of my less pigmented friends a different point of view. Yes, things were tough but to talk about them was to dishonor God. I mean, God gave us everything. What right or authority did I have to discuss the ugliness when God is beauty and love? Yes, your life sucks but focus on the good and if you believe enough it will come. From both came the idea that if I was good, I will be blessed but if not, God will get me.
The problem with both points of view was that neither one is entirely truth although there is truth in both. As I grew, I started to realize that neither was a complete picture of Who God or even Jesus is to me. After a lot of searching and researching, I came to understand that God is so much more complicated than that. I stopped listening to those thoughts and long held beliefs and started reading and asking for clarification. This lead me to CR and a realization that much of what I believed was complete bullocks. Yes, I'm going to go through hard times but that doesn't mean that God is out to get me or that I did something wrong. Nor did every day have to have bad things happen so that I can look forward to joy in the morning. I am NOT a morning person and therefore my joy is not present there. I don't even remember most mornings as I pretend that I'm awake until at least 11am. ;) But I am getting off topic.
I thought I understood. I thought I had a grasp. I wasn't cocky about it but I was getting a sense of at least understanding a little bit. But I'm learning that the little bit I understood then and now is equatable to what we understand about the universe. How did I learn this valuable lesson? I had a kid. Not just a kid. I had a Joshua. In one day my life was flipped upside down, inside out backwards and forwards all at the same time. I don't know what it's like to have a child from birth. But a child who is not biologically yours is quite a learning curve. I went from understanding kids and behavior to understanding that I was not the expert I thought I was. I learned more about who God was from my son than anything else that I've ever experienced. And the lessons keep coming.
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