Armor

To say that the past almost 7 weeks have been some of the hardest of my life is an understatement of the century. 
Tuesday, November 23, I get a call from my friends telling me to call them right away because something has happened. I called Nicole and she told me that David, my friend's 23 month old son died a few hours ago. I'm at work and all of a sudden, the celebration of work Thanksgiving ends as I burst into tears. I'm speechless. I rush over and much to my dismay, it's not a dream and their words were not lost in translation. David was gone. I'd just missed the coroner and all of the other medical personnel. I am not a person with great words in situations like this. My mouth is my biggest enemy. BUT God's words are living and active. So this is all I can give. I don't remember a lot about those weeks except for troubled sleep, lots of crying and grieving and hugging. 7 weeks later and I still don't like Tuesdays and I miss Baby D terribly. 

But God showed up (and continues to show up) in a tremendous way. God's people moved and it was amazing to watch as people surrounded them and loved on them. And they came to me too and said, "I'm praying for you, Janelle." 
Praying for me? I didn't lose my son. Why are they praying for me? Oh wait... because I'm a big mess. For a while there, I struggled to find my "place". I'm a doer. I need things to do. I love to serve. But when serving looks different, I struggle. And struggle I did. Things were said that I didn't like and I wanted to say, "Wait, what about my thoughts and feelings?" And not in a healthy way.  By God's grace, I recognized it before I opened my mouth and became a clashing cymbal. I had to repent my thoughts as I realized that my thoughts were not godly. My perspective was off and I knew it. So, I went to the scripture that I'd given to the Posids. That's all I knew to do. God's word is living and active. As these weeks have passed, God has shown me His goodness and His love in so many ways. He reminded me that we are a community. We take care of each other. He comforts them and He comforts me as well. 

This week was especially difficult. Satan has been after me in a brand new way. He couldn't get me to turn to my old habits (I caught on fairly quickly and did not fall), so, instead I had trouble sleeping (one of my favorite things to do), and had bad dreams that played on my insecurities in a HUGE way. So, when Satan can't get a hold of me in the day, he comes at night. But while talking with Amanda and Dawn, Dawn said, "I'm sure that Satan is after you big time, Amanda." She shook her head and said that not a single bad comment has been left and that they were completely blocked from Satan's attacks. It took me a while to see that Satan wasn't attacking Dan and Amanda because they were covered in prayer (and still are); he was attacking me while I was praying. When this realization dawned on me, I said, "Nope, they are not being attacked. The ones who are lifting them up are." This of course was followed by Amanda asking, "So have YOU (Janelle) been asking for prayer?" 
Me: "Um.... no because it's stupid..." oh wait. (Light bulb).
Satan is a big fat liar. I know that and yet, because of my humanity, I forgot that God lifts all of us up as we need. No request is too small for God. No prayer goes unanswered especially when someone is asking for something that has already been promised. God is the Comforter. He is the God who Sees. He is the Healer. He is that for my friends but He is also that for me. 
Grief is a horrible thing. I didn't think that I would grieve this hard but I have. I find myself crying at random times as I remember Baby D. Sunday lunches are difficult. Watching Danmanda navigate this is difficult. It is heart wrenching. Watching God work through this has been AMAZING.
This morning at BRCC, Woody was talking about the Samaritan woman. After lunch, we went back to Amanda's house and she was talking about his talk. She said something that really resonated with me. She said that she was trying to find out where she was in the talk. Then Woody told some desert story. Basically, it was a fable of some kind where there was a jar of water next to a pump. The person had a choice. They could either drink the water in the jar or they could use the water to prime the pump and drink as much as they wanted. And Amanda said, "Right now, God is making me the pump and He has everyone else pumping so that His words are coming out because it's definitely not me." (She of course said it much better than I repeated them here). It was at this point that these verses rang out to me: 

Ephesians 6:10-17
¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. ¹² For our struggle is not against ^[e]flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. ¹³ Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. ¹⁴ Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, ¹⁵ and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; ^16 [f]in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

So, this is where I am. Now I know and knowing (or recognizing) is half the battle. I am taking this one day at a time, one moment at a time. I'm trusting God to make all of this right and to protect me from the evil one. If you are reading this, I ask that you will pray for me. Pray that I will stand firm and that I will not walk out naked; but instead walk covered from head to toe with my armor on. I don't want to be a stumbling block. I want to stand firm in the fullness of God. I want to run my race well even though right now, I can't see very clearly since my journey right now is full of tears and grief. But God never wastes a hurt. He is with me all the time and He is faithful even when I can't see it.