Today was a pretty decent day. I was able to finish all of the paperwork at school and met with my team to discuss the students. Our students made wonderful progress and I was really proud. There is one more day left of my official school week and that's tomorrow. Then... SUMMER BREAK!!!!! YAY! One of the parents and members of the board had us over for lunch and boy was it yummy. They live in a beautiful house which is oh about 3 times the size of mine including my attic. The lunch was catered and there was a harpist playing music the whole time. It was awesome. Right before eating, the father got up and spoke about how much impact we had as educators and how much his children enjoy our school. We were already teary-eyed as he tried to hold his own tears back about the work that we do. But, then, he told us that his family was gifting all 21 teachers $500.00 each! Then we all started crying. I love generous people. The great thing is that just that morning, I was talking to God about my finances and asking for financial protection so that I can diligently be obedient this summer. This was His response. I love how He responds! Jehovah-jireh strikes again! Needless to say, we were all overwhelmed at their generosity on top of the meal and it was such a sweet time of visiting and talking with each other. It was hard to return to work after that, but somehow we managed. I left at four to pick up my wonderful son. This is where the pain occurs...
I love my son. I can't tell you how much he brings joy into my life. He's such a wonderful boy and despite his traumatic start in life, he's come a long way. As you know if you follow my blog, we've had a difficult time with child care. He has a lot of needs. I was hoping/praying that we would find a good fit for him at his current provider. It was the perfect situation. He's with one other kid and so he gets one on one attention. She has a foster daughter so she understands children with traumatic pasts.
Today, he had a few rough spots. He didn't take a nap; which is nothing new, but when he didn't listen, his babysitter cut off the TV. At that time, he threw a tantrum. Apparently, it was a doozie. When I walked in the door, the first words out of his mouth were, "I cried because I missed you." Before you say, "awwww", this was not the truth. He cried because he didn't get what he wanted. But, being my little politician, he knew that sounded better... (how smart is he?) Anyway, after the whole story came out and we were saying our goodbyes, she said, "Good luck. Let me know how it goes with him. You definitely have your hands full." Not remarkable... Here's what she didn't say: She didn't say that she's going to miss him. She didn't comment on what a good boy he is or how even though he had rough spots, he was a good listener. She didn't say that he's a lovely boy or that she loves his personality. Before I say anymore, I want to say that he's done well with her overall. He's a few tantrums there, but they were not as often as at his last preschool. He adjusted to the lack of strict structure that he would have had in a preschool program. He's a lot of work, and while I think she feels for him and maybe even feel some love for him, it's sort of like, "I see his value, but I'm not going to miss him or invite him to come back." She didn't like my son. This is so heart breaking to me. This is also familiar. This is the third caretaker who doesn't like my son. The third who doesn't appreciate the person he could be and look past the trauma and see the boy. I'm very aware of his issues, believe me; but it still surprises me. Before I go on, I would like to say that I am thankful for the work she has done with him. She's been a great babysitter and I definitely liked many of the things that she was able to do with him.
This is a very discouraging dilemma. How many people do I have to encounter until I find one that is willing to show my son compassion? How many caretakers until I find one who looks past the behaviors and sees the scared little boy? How many tears do I have to cry for him; how many prayers do I have to pray to find the right place for him? My son is so smart. He is so loving. He is so attentive. He recognizes when he's being defensive. He talks about how blow fish put their spikes out when they're scared. He makes the connection between his behavior and them or frogs or skunks and their defense mechanisms at age four! This is more than some adults I know. And yet, outside of myself and very few others, there is no compassion for him. I'm starting to become discouraged. Is there a program/person who loves kids despite their issues? All I need is one. Just ONE! I started out with a woman who had 3 other kids. That didn't work. Then, a friend stepped in and that did work, but it was temporary. (Plus she smoked...) Then, over the summer, one of my other friends watched him and that went well for him at least. But she had to go back to work. Then, I tried a Christian daycare thinking, they should be a good fit, right? Wrong. They couldn't handle his unique issues either. Now we have this person. What is a mother to do?
Now, I know that it is not a hopeless situation even though for me right now, it really does feel that way. God has already worked everything out. Public preschool is not going to be the answer this year. He didn't get in. But, I know Whom I serve and He's going to provide again. How this happens? I don't know. When this happens? Hopefully before school starts back for me in August. I trust Him completely. When I find that person/program, I'm going to jump for joy. The one thing that this has done for me is allowed me to have more compassion for my students who are like a blow fish. We have 4 of them. Because of my son, I was able to see past the behaviors and see the hurt boys. I was able to be calm and regulated because I remembered my son. This wasn't always the case, but God has been working with me on this and He is showing me what true compassion looks like. My son is a GREAT kid. He deserves to be loved and liked whether he's being a pain in the butt or not. Same with my students. God is using this to teach me and while it's a painful lesson, it's one that I'm not going to soon forget.
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