Just Breathe

I love my life... Seriously I do. Even though my life is in turmoil, God is so present that I'm OK with it most of the time. I have to find a new job but this was not a surprise to God. The funny thing is that He's been preparing me for this for a while. I feel calm and peaceful about it and that's really cool... OK I had one day of self loathing and pity party but by the end of the day, I wasn't feeling that way at all because I knew that something better was coming. God has definitely taught me that His currency always balances out regardless of the circumstances and that if I put Him first, He's going to take care of me. It may not be how I want it done and it usually is not my way... but in the end, His way is always better than mine. I don't know what's next but I know it's better which is cool because despite my last several postings, I love my job 90% of the time. My students are awesome and I've enjoyed watching them grow. What a blessing! I tell you...

Step study is going well and I am amazed each and every week by those women who are committed to healing and wanting to be whole before God. It's difficult because I'm not the most gracious person (in my mind anyway) and yet, God has truly impressed upon me how being slow to speak is so much more beneficial! It's taken a very long time but I'm getting there slowly but surely.

Home life is still going on day by day. By the look of my house, I'm still stressed (I say this as my feet are covered with clothes that I have to fold and put away and my house needs sweeping and mopping...) I don't quite know the angst I'm feeling but I'm praying that God will help me figure it out as I know the signs. I see myself escaping in benign activities like playing on my computer or watching TV trying to escape thinking about things around me although at times I don't quite know what I'm trying to avoid. I know what's bothering me lately though. My son's bio mom is back in town and I think that I'm allowing my own fears float around unwarranted in my brain. I know that it is Satan trying ever so hard to get to me and I'm fighting it believe me. But part of me still wonders, "What if?" In some ways, I could say that this is a rational fear, right? I mean adoption is not final and she could change her mind. I had a false belief that proximity would keep her from changing it but the truth is this is always a possibility until the papers are signed. Love is such a scary thing. It makes me so vulnerable and it is this that keeps me on my knees before God. My son is awesome and the thought of not having him is so painful I can't breathe. I don't know what I would do without a Joshua story. What a stinker! He's taught me that I have an anger problem, he's magnified my control issues and my insecurities about myself. He's embarrassed me in more ways that I care to count and has scared me more in certain situations than I have ever been scared in my life! But the thought of not having to outsmart my five year old sounds boring. He's come such a long way and I know that it is nothing that I've done, it's God. I don't want to play the What if soundtrack because I know better. But, God didn't say that using the tools that I've learned would be easy. I'm always having to go back to that first step... I'm not God. My life is unmanageable with me in control. But more than that, I have to remember that this IS my son. God IS going to come through not just because of all of the awesome things that have happened over the past five and a half years but because He never goes back on a promise. So, this is me living one day and moment at a time choosing to live in obedience and trust in the God of Peace because I know that He's got it under control. Speculation gets me nowhere. I just have to breathe... and know that in spite of what I'm feeling on the inside, I have a loving God who is taking care of me and Joshua and the situation. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, one moment at a time... accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.... I know Father that in spite of everything that I am feeling inside, they are just feelings and not reality. I know that You know what's going to happen and I trust You. You are my Everlasting God and even when I am weary, You never are. Help me to come to You as You are my comforter and provider. You know what is best and regardless of what I feel, my worries are not reality. You are. Help me to remember that and thank You for wanting a relationship with me. One moment at a time is all that I have to do... Breathe:)