Ahhh insecurity!

Can I just start by saying that I love my life! I love what God has done and how He has changed me into a different person from the inside out. I am blessed with a wonderful son, I own my house, I have a job, and a car and plenty of friends whom I consider family. My life is awesome!
With this in mind, there are times that I feel so insecure. Joshua is the love of my life. I never want my life to return to the way it was before him. He's growing up, about to lose his first tooth, and started kindergarten this week. I look at him maturing and I can't help but think of all of the work God had to do to bring him to this place. While I agree that all children need two parents, Joshua is definitely one that needs both a mother and father. Quite frankly, it is only by God's grace that he is still allowed to breathe!;) Those of you who are parents of children know what I mean. If you have a non-talking/walking baby, don't worry, your time is coming! But I digress...
Obviously, I'm still not married, not even close to dating, etc. Most times, this doesn't bother me. God is enough for me. I may never get married and this is OK with me. God is all I need... and yet, when I think about what I want, I want more. The other day, old thoughts started creeping back up and I wanted to go back into old habits. But, before I lost my sobriety, I went back to what I've learned in CR... I am NOT God. My thought process was unmanageable and I needed to figure out why. So, I did a mini-inventory while walking my dog. I asked God to show me what I was doing wrong that I wanted to go down these wrong paths again. I thought about sin and how someone said that we sin when we think that God is not all that He says He is... that He is not good or completely trustworthy. "Well," I thought. "This isn't true. I know God is good. Look at all of the blessings that He has given me. He is enough." And yet, I knew that I had to look deeper. I asked God to search me and shine a light on the area of my life where my thoughts and feelings were keeping me from experiencing freedom from the old ways. The HS then said, "You don't trust God in the area of relationships. You don't think that He will honor that. You allow your insecurities get in the way of God doing what He wants in your life." Hence, I fall back into old habits. That's when I realized... I'm scared for God to give me things that I ask for. I play the what if game... mostly the what if this never changes or if I'm supposed to remain single for the rest of my life. I don't think about the alternative because long ago, I focused only on that and went the other extreme where I basically told God that He owed me that. Obviously I was not in my right mind and it is by the grace of God that I am able to write today;). But, there has to be a balance... where I accept the possibility and yet stay realistic and grounded.
I wish that I could say that this pattern only occurs there but it doesn't. Work is another area where I am afraid to take risks. I HATE rejection and I do as much as I can to avoid it. Losing my job was devastating. I put myself out there with my awesome resume' and... NOTHING. Not a call or anything. A bunch of rejection emails are all that I get. So I sensibly verbally take my old job back. Never mind that I told God that I wanted a job that would pay my bills and debts. I figured that maybe He wanted me to do things differently at work. I didn't represent Him the way I wanted to and I thought that He wanted me to take a do-over. Even while I was thinking that, I'm also not feeling as excited as I thought. But, with no other offers and school starting, I'm thinking that this is it. After next year, I will try again. But on Tuesday, I got a call and went on the interview today. God showed me again that He knows what I need. I don't know whether or not I'll get the job. Prayerfully I'll find out tomorrow. But, to me, this is another example of how my insecurities and mistrust of God get in the way of my relationship with Him. Total surrender? I don't know what that looks like, but I'm a pro at partial surrender. Third example? My dad called. He lives in Newport News and they are expecting a major hurricane. So, he called to ask if my step-mother and step sister could stay with me. At first I thought he was joking because my step mother and I have quite a difficult history. While I've forgiven her, my insecurities are still there. Right now in my glorious house, I don't have air conditioning, or cable/satellite. This is fine for Joshua and me, but someone spending the night? What if they're not comfortable? What do I have to offer? My house is not clean, blah blah blah blah. But, God again reminded me: it's not about me. It's about Him. This is about building relationship. If the opportunity comes, I will accept it while frantically cleaning my house for their arrival. But, I will not apologize for my un-air conditioned house. Nor will I apologize for not having cable. Why? Because these are situations/things that God has placed in my life for a reason. Neither of them know God and this is an opportunity for me to show them God's love. The chances of them coming are slim but if they do come, I don't want my insecurities to get in the way of being used to share the Good News with them. Because through all of this, God is reminding me: It's not about me. It's about Him. Greater is HE that is in me than he that is in the world. So, I am an insecure wreck and yet, God is using my weaknesses to show me His greatness. I love the upside down kingdom.