Today I was reminded....

Today I was reminded about why I love being called "mommy". I can't tell you how many blogs I've started and erased about how trying my life is with my little guy. Honestly, I feel like I'm always fighting for him... sometimes with others but mostly so that he could see in him what I see in him. Yes, some of this is normal, but he seriously takes it past the realm of normality. If you don't believe me, ask around to someone whose had him overnight. They'll tell you!. We've been in this 3 month slump with this and quite frankly, I'm exhausted. It doesn't matter what I say or do, the boy just isn't happy unless he's in some sort of trouble. He'll have one or two good days and then follow up that success with 3 weeks of severe behavior (stealing, hoarding, lying, etc...) It at times seems like he has no regards to anyone's feelings but his own and he's so below his emotional milestones. Needless to say, it gets tedious and frustrating. BUT, this my friends is not what this is about.
Today, I was reminded about why I love being his mommy. Today was the first time in a long time that I saw the little boy that stole my heart. He was carefree and laughing. He was trusting and loving. He wasn't manipulative and heeded everything that I said without a "why" or even an argument. He wasn't perfect, but I don't want a perfect son. Jesus can keep that title!;) He often says that he loves me. I believe him when he says it... but today, he showed me and that is just so much better. These days were the moments that I cling to when all is wrong in my world. I fell in love again. Who knew that a water park could be so therapeutic? 

 Joshua did not like wearing his hat but with his *ahem* lighter skin, this was the only way to minimize the burning that was sure to happen. This was at the end of our adventures:)

Good night everyone!

Put One Step in Front of the Other...

It's been brought to my attention that I haven't written a blog in 7 months... Honestly, I've been so wrapped up in stuff that I haven't really thought about it. So, I'll catch you up... Got a job... This is a praise as many people wouldn't be able to say that these days. With that said, this is definitely a job "for a season". I'm praying that season ends when school starts and I can return to teaching. I miss it so much! But God is using this current job to stretch me in ways that apparently I needed. I love adults and love having friends who aren't kids, but I've discovered that I have very little compassion for whiny adults who are too selfish to focus outside of themselves. This folks is many times the nature of my job. Not all the time and not all of my clients are like this. It's better now than when I started. But I do have to win over their approval and convince them that they need me in their lives. Otherwise, no money. This has caused serious stress not only there, but the increase in my gas consumption as this is the way that I get from one client to another. I'm probably traveling between 250 and 350 miles per week average. My poor little car is doing it but it's on its last legs. The increase in gas has tightened my already tight budget along with the repairs from my old car. (2001 Elantra with almost 200,000 miles). Since December, I've spent over $1500 in car repairs and maintenance. Needless to say, it's time for a new car. I will say though, I'm getting to know Lynchburg and Amherst County like the back of my hand. Other things I've learned: many people in Lynchburg really are related to each other...and have the scandalous lives to prove it. I do like my clients most of the time. I'm partial to one who is really the most caring women I've ever met... just don't ever get on her bad side! I've developed a compassion for lower SES in a way that I didn't think of and have to say that our system really IS broken! If it weren't for churches providing food, clothing and shelter for many of these people, they'd be out on the street. 

On the home front, Joshua has his ups and downs. We made it over a month with nothing but good reports. I was so excited! Then, BAM! Down the slippery slope we go. I love my son but the last two weeks have been torture. Sometimes, I have to walk the dog just to keep from killing the kid! Between the lying and stealing... and now we're bullying a special needs child at school (he kicked the kid last week and choked the kid this week). Needless to say, this meant a referral for my Kindergartener and in school suspension (although they don't call it that in elementary). THEN I had to take a step back in order to not bully him. If you've been bullied, you know what I'm talking about. Apparently at school, he showed no remorse although there was a LOT of remorse at home... mostly due to (ahem) spiritual conversations with God... I'm praying through it and trying my best. The one thing I hold on to is the fact that God placed him with me this young for a reason. I don't think that Joshua is headed for a life of crime... not with as many people praying for him daily and loving him as they do. I'm looking toward the future and praying that he's just getting this yucky stuff out of his system now so that we don't have to deal with it later. The difference for me is: I realize that it's not my fault. He's making these decisions. I'm not taking it personally which I did for a long time. He's choosing anger and bitterness. Until he decides that he wants to change, I can only change the environments he's in. But boy do I hate doing that. I miss that part of my son. I miss that time of hanging out and doing fun stuff and not having to discipline all the time. But, I know that God will bring him back. It's just hard to be patient. To top it off, the adoption is still not finalized. His sperm donor is MIA and doesn't want to be found. We are now at a 2 year process for adoption on something that should have gone smoothly. BUT again, I know that there is an end to this. God's got it under control. This past weekend, I was looking at the lesson for The Landing and there was this set of verses that I came across that I love in the Message. It's from Isaiah 41:8-12. 

This is what the Lord says:

 8-10"But you, Israel, are my servant. You're Jacob, my first choice, descendants of my good friend Abraham. I pulled you in from all over the world, called you in from every dark corner of the earth, Telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side. I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.' Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you. 11-13"Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you will end up out in the cold— real losers.(<-- side note... in my head, I'm saying, "ha ha ha") Those who worked against you will end up empty-handed— nothing to show for their lives. When you go out looking for your old adversaries you won't find them— Not a trace of your old enemies, not even a memory. That's right. Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go. I'm telling you, 'Don't panic. I'm right here to help you.'  

How cool is that? So, this is what I'm clinging to this week and this is what I'm clinging to for my Joshua. Please continue to pray for both of us. The end of school is near!

For the past few days, I've had a Kirk Franklin song in my head. The whole song is about how God never puts more on us than we can bear. I've heard this before... many times in fact. In my culture, this is one of the many things that we say to each other over and over again. I often equate it to God will stop before it gets to be too much. But as I thought about it, I wonder... what is too much? If we look at the Bible, it seems that the human definition of too much and God's definition are two totally different things. Adam and Eve lost Paradise and later both their sons; one due to murder and the other to disobedience. Noah lost everyone who wasn't immediate family and endured years of teasing and taunting. Abraham had to leave everything that was familiar and go to some strange land. Lot lost his wife and self respect. Job lost everything except his wife and friends who let's be honest were not very good at the whole comforting thing... well you get the point. Some of them sinned and these were the consequences but some of them were just victims of circumstances beyond their control. As you know, I lost my job. I hate being unemployed because I love what I did and I love structure and predictability. I've been on several interviews but as of yet, not a single job. As of next week, I will be in real trouble because money will start to run out and my emergency fund will need funds. I was denied unemployment, my tax return didn't come through and now I'm fighting with both parts of the government to show me the money. I'm trying to raise my son without turning into the evil mother and trying to stay regulated so that he can stay regulated. I'm praying, studying, and doing a lot of talking to God. In the midst of all of this, I know that God will not put more on me than I can bear. But WHAT does that mean? I mean we say that so flippantly. "God won't give you more than you can handle" After a while it becomes more of a catch phrase meant to comfort even though many times, it doesn't.

Jesus told us not to worry about what we will eat or drink or wear. He says that God knows our needs and will take care of them. That God cares about us. I believe that whole-heartedly. But, in my humanness, I think, well, thanks for telling me not to worry. That's great to say. But how do I not worry? I mean, what else do I have to do? But then I remember my steps (of course) and pray the Serenity prayer and ask God... unpack this PLEASE! Here's what I discovered.

Matthew 11:28-30 NIRV
28 "Come to me, all of you who are tired and are carrying heavy loads. I will give you rest. 29 Become my servants and learn from me. I am gentle and free of pride. You will find rest for your souls. 30 Serving me is easy, and my load is light."

1 Peter 5:7 The Message (MSG)
6-7So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you.

Here's what I learned: God doesn't give us more than we can handle... but we take on more than God intended for us to have. Jesus tells us to give our burdens to Him. He says if we do, then we will find the rest for our souls. God is not surprised by my life. It didn't just come upon Him. He did not say, "Uh-oh." or OOPS!. (I did though). Day in and day out, it's a daily decision for me to give Jesus my cares and concerns. If I don't, then I cannot blame God for giving me more than I can handle. The truth is that if my son is trying to pick something up that is too heavy, I tell him to put it down so that I can carry it to where it's supposed to go. Why? Because it's more than he can carry. He knows that it's too much and that if he tries, he'll hurt himself from the weight of it all. And yet in my life, I'm often trying to pick up a ton of bricks thinking that I can shoulder it alone. This was never what God intended. Sure, He'll let us try. But He's right there beside me saying, "Janelle, whenever you're tired of being stubborn, let me know. I have free hands to carry that." I am not God. I have zero control over any of this. The only thing I can do is give it to God and ask Him to carry it and me wherever He wants. The great thing about it is that He doesn't mind my asking. As a matter of fact, He wants me to ask. Yes, I'm struggling, but I'm trusting that God is going to get me through. The key for me: to rest in Him and not hop out of Hands. I want a job... I really do. But, during this time, I don't want to squander what God has for me. I will continue to pray for favor and gainful employment and ask that you do the same for me. But also, pray that I don't forget the valuable lessons that God has for me during this time.

Ahhh insecurity!

Can I just start by saying that I love my life! I love what God has done and how He has changed me into a different person from the inside out. I am blessed with a wonderful son, I own my house, I have a job, and a car and plenty of friends whom I consider family. My life is awesome!
With this in mind, there are times that I feel so insecure. Joshua is the love of my life. I never want my life to return to the way it was before him. He's growing up, about to lose his first tooth, and started kindergarten this week. I look at him maturing and I can't help but think of all of the work God had to do to bring him to this place. While I agree that all children need two parents, Joshua is definitely one that needs both a mother and father. Quite frankly, it is only by God's grace that he is still allowed to breathe!;) Those of you who are parents of children know what I mean. If you have a non-talking/walking baby, don't worry, your time is coming! But I digress...
Obviously, I'm still not married, not even close to dating, etc. Most times, this doesn't bother me. God is enough for me. I may never get married and this is OK with me. God is all I need... and yet, when I think about what I want, I want more. The other day, old thoughts started creeping back up and I wanted to go back into old habits. But, before I lost my sobriety, I went back to what I've learned in CR... I am NOT God. My thought process was unmanageable and I needed to figure out why. So, I did a mini-inventory while walking my dog. I asked God to show me what I was doing wrong that I wanted to go down these wrong paths again. I thought about sin and how someone said that we sin when we think that God is not all that He says He is... that He is not good or completely trustworthy. "Well," I thought. "This isn't true. I know God is good. Look at all of the blessings that He has given me. He is enough." And yet, I knew that I had to look deeper. I asked God to search me and shine a light on the area of my life where my thoughts and feelings were keeping me from experiencing freedom from the old ways. The HS then said, "You don't trust God in the area of relationships. You don't think that He will honor that. You allow your insecurities get in the way of God doing what He wants in your life." Hence, I fall back into old habits. That's when I realized... I'm scared for God to give me things that I ask for. I play the what if game... mostly the what if this never changes or if I'm supposed to remain single for the rest of my life. I don't think about the alternative because long ago, I focused only on that and went the other extreme where I basically told God that He owed me that. Obviously I was not in my right mind and it is by the grace of God that I am able to write today;). But, there has to be a balance... where I accept the possibility and yet stay realistic and grounded.
I wish that I could say that this pattern only occurs there but it doesn't. Work is another area where I am afraid to take risks. I HATE rejection and I do as much as I can to avoid it. Losing my job was devastating. I put myself out there with my awesome resume' and... NOTHING. Not a call or anything. A bunch of rejection emails are all that I get. So I sensibly verbally take my old job back. Never mind that I told God that I wanted a job that would pay my bills and debts. I figured that maybe He wanted me to do things differently at work. I didn't represent Him the way I wanted to and I thought that He wanted me to take a do-over. Even while I was thinking that, I'm also not feeling as excited as I thought. But, with no other offers and school starting, I'm thinking that this is it. After next year, I will try again. But on Tuesday, I got a call and went on the interview today. God showed me again that He knows what I need. I don't know whether or not I'll get the job. Prayerfully I'll find out tomorrow. But, to me, this is another example of how my insecurities and mistrust of God get in the way of my relationship with Him. Total surrender? I don't know what that looks like, but I'm a pro at partial surrender. Third example? My dad called. He lives in Newport News and they are expecting a major hurricane. So, he called to ask if my step-mother and step sister could stay with me. At first I thought he was joking because my step mother and I have quite a difficult history. While I've forgiven her, my insecurities are still there. Right now in my glorious house, I don't have air conditioning, or cable/satellite. This is fine for Joshua and me, but someone spending the night? What if they're not comfortable? What do I have to offer? My house is not clean, blah blah blah blah. But, God again reminded me: it's not about me. It's about Him. This is about building relationship. If the opportunity comes, I will accept it while frantically cleaning my house for their arrival. But, I will not apologize for my un-air conditioned house. Nor will I apologize for not having cable. Why? Because these are situations/things that God has placed in my life for a reason. Neither of them know God and this is an opportunity for me to show them God's love. The chances of them coming are slim but if they do come, I don't want my insecurities to get in the way of being used to share the Good News with them. Because through all of this, God is reminding me: It's not about me. It's about Him. Greater is HE that is in me than he that is in the world. So, I am an insecure wreck and yet, God is using my weaknesses to show me His greatness. I love the upside down kingdom.

Just Breathe

I love my life... Seriously I do. Even though my life is in turmoil, God is so present that I'm OK with it most of the time. I have to find a new job but this was not a surprise to God. The funny thing is that He's been preparing me for this for a while. I feel calm and peaceful about it and that's really cool... OK I had one day of self loathing and pity party but by the end of the day, I wasn't feeling that way at all because I knew that something better was coming. God has definitely taught me that His currency always balances out regardless of the circumstances and that if I put Him first, He's going to take care of me. It may not be how I want it done and it usually is not my way... but in the end, His way is always better than mine. I don't know what's next but I know it's better which is cool because despite my last several postings, I love my job 90% of the time. My students are awesome and I've enjoyed watching them grow. What a blessing! I tell you...

Step study is going well and I am amazed each and every week by those women who are committed to healing and wanting to be whole before God. It's difficult because I'm not the most gracious person (in my mind anyway) and yet, God has truly impressed upon me how being slow to speak is so much more beneficial! It's taken a very long time but I'm getting there slowly but surely.

Home life is still going on day by day. By the look of my house, I'm still stressed (I say this as my feet are covered with clothes that I have to fold and put away and my house needs sweeping and mopping...) I don't quite know the angst I'm feeling but I'm praying that God will help me figure it out as I know the signs. I see myself escaping in benign activities like playing on my computer or watching TV trying to escape thinking about things around me although at times I don't quite know what I'm trying to avoid. I know what's bothering me lately though. My son's bio mom is back in town and I think that I'm allowing my own fears float around unwarranted in my brain. I know that it is Satan trying ever so hard to get to me and I'm fighting it believe me. But part of me still wonders, "What if?" In some ways, I could say that this is a rational fear, right? I mean adoption is not final and she could change her mind. I had a false belief that proximity would keep her from changing it but the truth is this is always a possibility until the papers are signed. Love is such a scary thing. It makes me so vulnerable and it is this that keeps me on my knees before God. My son is awesome and the thought of not having him is so painful I can't breathe. I don't know what I would do without a Joshua story. What a stinker! He's taught me that I have an anger problem, he's magnified my control issues and my insecurities about myself. He's embarrassed me in more ways that I care to count and has scared me more in certain situations than I have ever been scared in my life! But the thought of not having to outsmart my five year old sounds boring. He's come such a long way and I know that it is nothing that I've done, it's God. I don't want to play the What if soundtrack because I know better. But, God didn't say that using the tools that I've learned would be easy. I'm always having to go back to that first step... I'm not God. My life is unmanageable with me in control. But more than that, I have to remember that this IS my son. God IS going to come through not just because of all of the awesome things that have happened over the past five and a half years but because He never goes back on a promise. So, this is me living one day and moment at a time choosing to live in obedience and trust in the God of Peace because I know that He's got it under control. Speculation gets me nowhere. I just have to breathe... and know that in spite of what I'm feeling on the inside, I have a loving God who is taking care of me and Joshua and the situation. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, one moment at a time... accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.... I know Father that in spite of everything that I am feeling inside, they are just feelings and not reality. I know that You know what's going to happen and I trust You. You are my Everlasting God and even when I am weary, You never are. Help me to come to You as You are my comforter and provider. You know what is best and regardless of what I feel, my worries are not reality. You are. Help me to remember that and thank You for wanting a relationship with me. One moment at a time is all that I have to do... Breathe:)

Attitude Reflects Leadership; Captain.

Today was horrible! SERIOUSLY PEOPLE! I went into work crying because I didn't want to be there. To make it worse, all of us were having a bad day and we were just plain old grumpy. I go to pick up my son after work and he's grumpy too so I just send him to bed. I mean, how dare he mirror my grumpiness? Who does he think he is?
Then, I have to get ready for step study. But, God just tells me to be still and pray. I start out complaining but then God reminds me of principle one of CR: Realize that I am NOT God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. I realized that I've been spending the past two weeks trying to control things. No wonder I'm feeling that I'm not good enough. It's true. On my own, I'm not good enough. My life is unmanageable but this is because instead of living in the reality that I am not in control of the people around me, I'm trying to plug up all the holes in my job with silly putty. There's water everywhere and I'm trying to figure out why I'm all wet! Then I'm asking God to bless MY efforts to "do better". I cannot control my supervisor, the parents or the students. I can't fix them, heal them, make them behave or make them think rationally. Unfortunately, I forgot that even though "I have a desire to do what is good, I can't carry that out." So, I'm spinning my wheels and getting frustrated that I'm not going anywhere. But, then God pointed out to me that I'm not innocent in this and that I have a part to play. I'm not putting Him in my thoughts at work... not really. I mean, I listen to music and pod casts and even pray the Serenity prayer but not because I meant it; but more because I thought that if I did, God would fix it. I was seeking God's hand and not seeking His face. The humbling thing is that despite my blindness to myself, He still used me this week and let me see His goodness and mercy. Why He does this is simply so that His glory can shine and has nothing to do with me. He put me in my place today and I could not be more thrilled. He pulled me out of my own pity party and showed me that it's not about me. It's about Him. So, I was able to go through step study with a lighter heart than I've had for a while. These character defects that are affecting my work performance definitely do need addressing. I don't want to just "do better". God created me for so much more than that! I want to serve at work in a way that there can be no discussion or argument that whatever I do I'm doing for God's glory. That family is not going anywhere. As much as I wish it were so. My supervisor may not make a miraculous conversion and care about how she treats people whom she is leading but again, why am I expecting her to do something that I can't do myself? Today, one saying has been in my mind. It came from Remember the Titans. "Attitude reflects leadership; Captain." Basically, because of her attitude and leadership, I erroneously thought that I don't have to rise above. I am only going to go as far as she is willing to go. But, God reminded me that I am a member of the upside down kingdom. I don't have a ceiling. I have a calling. That is to serve Him regardless of my circumstances. Attitude reflects leadership?

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God,did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! Philippians 2: 1-8.

In order to find the calm in the storm and the peace that passes all understanding, my attitude has to reflect my Leader. I've been struggling because my attitude is reflective of my human earthly leader (who does know God). I was not seeing the big picture! Look at vs. 12-18: Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me. I want that! But, for that to happen, I have to give up my own ideas and expectations and humble myself to the point to where I have made myself nothing so that Christ can be my everything.
After this epiphany, I had to apologize to my son. Talk about humbling! I HATE apologizing to him. He's obnoxious about it. Our conversations go something like this:
Me: Joshua, I'm sorry that I was a grumpy pants. I was wrong. You didn't deserve the way I treated you.
Joshua: You're right, mommy. I didn't deserve it. I was like, "I didn't deserve that."
At this point, I usually want to take the apology and shove it where the sun don't shine. But, I did apologize. Granted, I woke him from sleep (I'm a good mom, right) so that I could resolve it right away AND so that he's too tired to make an obnoxious comment. It's a win-win, right? No? Well... I guess I still have some work to do... But, in the meantime, I'm choosing to have a different attitude at work. It's not about me but I do need to have a good look in the mirror and see where I'm putting me before Him at work. I want the junk out so that He can come in. I want my attitude to actually reflect Leadership. We'll see if I can actually deliver tomorrow...

notenough

It has been such a tough couple of weeks at work and school! I love my job but lately, it's had to be a choice to love it rather than just out of the wellspring like in the past. There are some families who are really tough to deal with and it seems that they keep pointing out things that I am doing wrong. So, then I get called in and told the things that they reported and then reprimanded. Sort of a "Yes, they're difficult, but you're not doing enough" types of conversations. It sucks! The thing about it is that I'm doing the best that I know how to do and it's discouraging because it seems like no matter what I do, I can't win. I'm not saying I'm perfect or anything... far from it. Believe me, I know that full well and yet, there is no acknowledgment or encouragement of the positive things that I've tried. Today, it was more about accusation. I try to make the changes but even with those it's still not right. It's not enough. My supervisor even though I'm trying to show her grace being that she's new to the position doesn't know how to encourage or just listen. Just wants to point out my many faults and then tell me to do better. Not helpful, just empty words to my hurting, discouraged heart... and this is really what I'm feeling. Discouraged.

The good thing is that I know that this is just a season. Things won't be like this forever. My God loves me and He knew how discouraged I was feeling (and still feel). So, He's given me CR to encourage me. He's put me in a place to listen to women's hearts as they share their hurts, habits and hang ups. We had 19 in the large group on Sunday and I got to be a part of that! He's given me a step study to co-lead. While it's been tough and many will not finish the journey, being a part of that has shown me where I was and where He wants to take me. I love my step study ladies and they have been a blessing as they've blessed me. He's also given me wonderful women to sponsor. What a wonderful and humbling journey. On Monday, I was blessed to see the growth of a woman who is well into her golden years. She should be sponsoring me with her vast wisdom and yet, in God's upside down kingdom, I get the privilege of helping her through her journey. On Tuesday I get the privilege of sponsoring another woman and while she has a lot going on, it's such a joy to see how God is moving in her life. Wednesdays, I sponsor a true friend who has had a spiritual awakening and even though I've known her for over two years, it brings tears to my eyes to listen to her talk about the awesome God we serve. I find her so refreshing and such a joy. All three of these women are teaching me about what it means to live in community and to use the gifts that God has given to give back to others. So, at work, I was discouraged. But God reminded me that I don't need to be downcast. Before I started blogging, I checked my verse for the day. How I missed this earlier, only God knows but this is what it said:
“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12 Could the timing be more perfect? He is an on time God who is the Great Encourager. He reminded me of this one simple and yet profound fact:
Greater is He that is in me than he that is in my classroom.