My 50 lb. plow Part 2

My son has been struggling a lot lately. He doesn't like to acknowledge this. He's the kid whose arm could fall off and even though you point out that he has a stump, he argues that it's not actually a stump it's just a shorter arm without hands and fingers. Or like a blind person who will refuse to acknowledge their blindness even though they bump into every corner, screaming OW! and then changes direction to walk into a wall instead of just asking for help or direction. It drives me crazy! He is getting better every year and now, he will bump into walls and not corners. A few weeks ago, the school sent an email asking for volunteers for Lego League. Joshua LOVES Legos. He is creative and loves to build. So as a good mom, I signed him up and then volunteered as well. I sacrificed my mornings to make sure that I would be available to help the team in the evenings. I talked it up and reminded him for the umpteenth time that his behavior would affect his ability to remain in the club. When we were there together, everything went well. The next week, he struggled and later that week, I emailed the coach to say that I was going to keep him out that day because he didn't get his homework done. I sent him back the next Monday and then got the dreaded call. The week before, Joshua was an absolute nightmare. He wasn't listening, etc. etc. The same old pattern of behaviors emerged. Eventually after many miscommunications, I talked to the coach and teacher and she informed me that he was no longer going to be a part of Lego League because of his behavior. This was one day of poor choices and this wonderful thing was gone. We discussed this and how it happened that he couldn't participate. It was a hard lesson. I was hopeful. Maybe that would get his attention. And it did... for 24 whole hours. The next week, he got in trouble in school for almost the exact same behavior. And this time, it cost him a party at the end of the 9 weeks. All the kids have to do is get in trouble less than 15 times in 9 weeks. They have these things called HABIT letters. Every letter stands for a choice. When you make a poor choice, a letter disappears based on the letter it violated. 15 warnings before you lose this party. That is a pretty low bar... And of course, my son lost out. So next week, he'll be the only child in his class who doesn't get to participate. We talked about it. He connected it and then the next day, lost more habit letters for being rude and argumentative. FRUSTRATING!!!!
At times, I can handle it. But today, I was just through. I'm tired of it all. Sounding like a broken record, my son's self pity, all of it. One of the sayings in our home is "Please, act like I raised you." Because I have raised him. But often in other environments, he acts like he wasn't raised right at all. Yes, all parents say that but seriously... I work in foster care and at times, my son acts no different than them who were older than he was when he was plucked out of the dysfunctional environment that he was in even though they are older and their experiences were much more traumatic. I understand the brain stuff and the trauma stuff but still, we are going on 7 years and sometimes the progress seems so... disappointing. Sometimes, I think outside of the box when it comes to getting my point across with him. Sometimes, that's the only way that he will listen. He may not heed it later but he will at least listen. So, I turned the tables and acted like I didn't raise him. I asked him what made him my son and he showed me a lot of things. My signature on his homework, his clothes, etc. I told him that none of it meant that I was his mom and he was my son. Everything that he said, I turned back on him. Boy was he frustrated. He kept telling me that he was my son and it hurt his feelings that I was acting as if he wasn't mine. He then became incredibly dramatic and I had a hard time not laughing but I held it together as he delivered a performance so dramatic he should have won an Emmy. I then told him that kids act like their parents. Not all the time, but kids act like their parents. No, they are not perfect and they mess up but they still act like their parents. Growing up we knew who had the "good" parents. The "good" kids. We weren't allowed to hang out with the rough kids. Their parents didn't raise them right. We weren't allowed to spend the night although they could come to our house. We were quizzed on what is appropriate and what was not. We said please and thank you and my sister and I took great pride in parents commenting on our fine manners. Sure we were hellions at home but in public? Perfect angels because we wanted to live to be adults and death by parents knocking us into next week was not that appealing.

I talked to my son about that phrase again today. God told the Israelites the same thing. Please act like I raised you. Don't do stupid things and get yourselves in sticky situations that I will have to give you consequences for. Don't ruin my reputation with your actions. Take responsibility. Love one another and love others. Act like I raised you. I don't want to be angry with you all the time. You are dear to me and I want everyone to see that.
Of course I am paraphrasing but you get the point. Jesus told his followers and those who were in the crowd that a person could do the right things and go through the motions but it didn't mean anything if they didn't make the choice to belong to God. Yes, God chose them but they also had to choose God. In that same vein, I chose Joshua... actually I chose God who chose Joshua and I chose to be obedient... I love him and am trying to set an example of what love looks like by pointing him to God. But in any adoption, the choice is two fold. The parent chooses the child but the child has to decide to choose the parent. Joshua is mine because I chose him. I am raising him and I want the best for him. But he has the choice whether he is going to act like a loved child or whether he is going to act like an orphan. I can't make that choice for him. This is what I told him. I will always choose him but he has to choose me as well. This is the crux of the plow for me. I have a 50 pound alabaster plow. What God showed me is that parenthood is a big giant loud obnoxious screaming plow. YAY!
OK not so much yay as back to the original thought (boy did that take a while). I am a pessimistic optimist. I hope for the best. I pray for the best for Joshua. I pray that this time, he will take what I said and apply it. That he will choose to use his powers for good instead of evil. That he will act like I raised him. But at the same time, I know that it's not going to happen right away. I have to accept that. I cannot change him. I can only guide him. I have faith that God doesn't waste a thing. God is a miracle worker and I have a miracle that needs to be worked. I mean, for goodness sake two out of his three names means salvation (Joshua Christian). God has much planned for my adventurous boy. Until then, I will toil behind the plow. The growth is slow but it is there. It just is growing really really slowly but at least it's growing.

My 50 lb. plow Part 1

So, our church has just finished a series called "The Plow". It was amazing like a lot of them are. If I was to be honest, I hate series like this. I mean what they ask us to do is so unpleasant. I mean, you know it's coming. A plow to rake through the earth. Scraping in order to find new growth... Working hard in the hope that something great is coming... Then of course comes the part where you (I) reluctantly ask, "What is my plow?" "What do you want from me?" not always because I am eager to learn a new way to experience turmoil but because often as a Christian, we are reminded of verses which tell us about how we are to respond in the hard times. Heck, as a black woman in America, all of the spirituals growing up alluded to hard times and how we are to praise God in the midst of them.
In some of them, the song tempo is solemn and full of hope. In others, it's fast paced but still talks about being in pain or turmoil. Joy always comes "in the morning". As a black American who grew up in The Church I always saw it as us being pessimistic optimists.  I mean, we were sad, lonely, hurting, going through something, always broke and in despair but someday things were going to get better. We had Jesus to save us. We had the Holy Spirit to comfort us and God to watch over us from above. I always (and still do) took comfort in that. When I went to LU, it wasn't so much that as I've often observed in some of my less pigmented friends a different point of view. Yes, things were tough but to talk about them was to dishonor God. I mean, God gave us everything. What right or authority did I have to discuss the ugliness when God is beauty and love? Yes, your life sucks but focus on the good and if you believe enough it will come. From both came the idea that if I was good, I will be blessed but if not, God will get me.
The problem with both points of view was that neither one is entirely truth although there is truth in both. As I grew, I started to realize that neither was a complete picture of Who God or even Jesus is to me. After a lot of searching and researching, I came to understand that God is so much more complicated than that. I stopped listening to those thoughts and long held beliefs and started reading and asking for clarification. This lead me to CR and a realization that much of what I believed was complete bullocks. Yes, I'm going to go through hard times but that doesn't mean that God is out to get me or that I did something wrong. Nor did every day have to have bad things happen so that I can look forward to joy in the morning. I am NOT a morning person and therefore my joy is not present there. I don't even remember most mornings as I pretend that I'm awake until at least 11am. ;) But I am getting off topic.

I thought I understood. I thought I had a grasp. I wasn't cocky about it but I was getting a sense of at least understanding a little bit. But I'm learning that the little bit I understood then and now is equatable to what we understand about the universe. How did I learn this valuable lesson? I had a kid. Not just a kid. I had a Joshua. In one day my life was flipped upside down, inside out backwards and forwards all at the same time. I don't know what it's like to have a child from birth. But a child who is not biologically yours is quite a learning curve. I went from understanding kids and behavior to understanding that I was not the expert I thought I was. I learned more about who God was from my son than anything else that I've ever experienced. And the lessons keep coming.

*Sigh*

Recently I've been in a spiritual stump. We've all been there right? It happens so gradually that you don't realize that it's happened until you're trying to figure out why the Spirit doesn't move you like it used to. Instead of relishing in the spirit of the holidays, I was simply trying to keep my head above water. I tried to talk to God and couldn't find the words to say. After a devastating work situation with a kid, it really was all I could do to wake up and return to work day after day. I was grieving and trying to keep up with the other kids who were still in my case load. I was not successful and spent all of December wandering if I was ever going to have the energy to catch up on missed paperwork. At the same time, I didn't want to do anything and found it hard to stay on top of things that up until that point had never been an issue. December's stresses continued as all of my kids on my caseload lost their cotton pickin' minds! I ended up doing what I comes naturally to me these past few years... escaping into TV. I found that I was able to shut my mind off and not think about the stress and the pressures of the day and of my job.This meant missed opportunities, arriving later and later to work, missing Sunday mornings and completely turning off God at times to escape. This turned into a mild depression where I just felt numb. Don't get me wrong, there were some highlights. My family rocks, I mean they seriously do. While my kids at work were losing it, my own son was able to successfully manage the holidays like a child without trauma triggers. This was a major accomplishment especially since there were many nights where others picked him up from daycare because I was working. But if anything required any type of serious effort, I knew it wasn't really going to happen. I could feel things getting out of control including the Landing. Spiritually, we were all being attacked. It was so discouraging. But the one thing that I was able to remember was that I wasn't going to stay there forever. I spent the New Year at home not because I didn't have anywhere to go, but because I didn't want to go anywhere. As January came, I started remembering that regardless of what was going on at work, I had a life and I had things that needed to get done. I slowly started to catch up. My paperwork was completed, the kids started to return to normal, I remembered that I had community... I made the decision to remember what was most important and decided that I was going to participate in the next Bible study. Gideon, here I come. Things are still stressful BUT I have remembered who I am and have gone back to focusing on what's important... although can I just say, I'm tired of winter. I want to thaw out now. I live in the south so that we have breaks from consistent winter weather. Where are the 60 degree breaks and above average temperatures?

Scratchy Sweaters and Unpopular Views

Lately, God has been changing me and I've been resisting the change... I guess that's not the way to put it... I'm not changing per se; what I'm about to write has for the most part always been how I feel about things but the need to speak these things have been like a scratchy sweater or wool blanket... oh so warm and comfortable but you often want to put something on to buffer the skin irritation... I've got to think of a better analogy! But I digress.

Let me start off with a basis for what I'm going to say. I think that everyone can agree that we live in a broken world. There is abuse and corruption and all sorts of ichiness. Over a week ago, part of our church family lost a two year old girl... Everyday, children are being beaten and abused... People are using guns to kill others and at times to kill the most innocent and I think, what is going on? Why is this all happening? I want to grab my family and move like a protected blob through life so that none of us gets hurt. But that's unrealistic. I love reading. I love watching TV. I love learning; just don't give me a test;). I love reading Scripture as God teaches and reminds me of His truths. What a beautiful God that I serve! There's a problem though. The more I read about God, the more the world makes less sense to me. While He is not growing, my knowledge of Him and His ways certainly do. I was watching a documentary of a young Jewish kid who was preparing for his Bar Mitzvah. He had Down's Syndrome and yet his innocence and reliance on God was so inspiring. (The documentary is called Praying for Lior). Here he was and he didn't understand a lot of things, but he constantly sang his prayers to God. He had that blind innocent faith that many children and child-like thinkers have. When I read through the Scriptures I find the same thing; especially in the Old Testament. God is seen as a refuge and relief from all of the battling. When they remembered, the Israelites were able to see just how holy God was. When Moses asked Who God was, God simply answered, "I AM." He is the Alpha and Omega; the be all and end all. He didn't begin and He won't end. He created us all. This is the basis of where my thoughts and comments begin. This is my foundation and the back story behind this particular entry.

As I said earlier, I love reading and I love watching TV. I love how God has wired us up to be story tellers and how in the end, Love wins. My problem is our culture's definition of love. Often I find that what we think of as love is not the same as God's Love. Because of this, we give love parameters.  Love can only look this way. If it doesn't then it's not love. To me, this is a scary thing and it's something that plagues our culture and our world. God's Love is everlasting and wise and just. God's Love comes with parameters and rules. While there were hundreds of rules in the Old Testament that had to be followed for one thing or another, in the New Testament, some of those rules were no longer needed because of health improvements or because God was teaching new things and those rules became symbols. For example,  Peter is told that there is no longer any food that was unclean. Also, after Christ's death and resurrection, you no longer needed to go through the religious rituals and see your local Rabbi to sacrifice something for you because Jesus made that practice obsolete. Also, Jesus made it a point to reach out to others whose views were not the same as His own and encouraged His disciples to do the same.  In all of those cases, God was very clear about how things were to work and why these rules were no longer necessary. On the other hand, there were several things that continued to ring true in both the Old and New Testament. God still wanted us to remember where we'd come from; in the OT, they were to use stones. In the NT, we use communion and celebrate significant occasions like Christmas and Easter. Jesus tells us in both the Old and New Testament that He is the Messiah and He is coming back to set things right.
Now here is where I start to struggle. Gender roles continue to hold consistently in both testaments. Men are still supposed to be the head over women. As a woman, I want to balk against that. In a lot of ways, I want to say that it's not fair as I've known so many wise women and so many foolish men. And then of course, there's Romans 1:16-32. Paul starts off by saying that he's not ashamed of the Gospel because it's through the gospel that power from the Holy Spirit comes. The righteous live by faith. I wish that I could say that whole-heartedly but in many ways I can't. This is why I'm putting it here on my blog instead of on my Facebook page. But I have to start somewhere, right? In the list that Paul uses, he basically gets everyone. I mean, look at Romans 1:18- 23:
                      ¹⁸ The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and   wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness, ¹⁹ since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. ²⁰ For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.
²¹ For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. ²² Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools ²³ and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles.
Paul just lays it out. If it ended there, we could say, "Yeah, that Paul. Preach it brotha!" and shake our heads at the foolishness of others. BUT Paul keeps going just to make sure that we understand exactly what he's talking about:
²⁴ Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. ²⁵ They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
²⁶ Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. ²⁷ In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.
²⁸ Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. ²⁹ They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, ³⁰ slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; ³¹ they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. ³² Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
As a people, we want to skip verses 24 through 27 and censor it so that it's not there. We don't mind the other things, but those? How heartless and prejudice can Paul be? I was watching a movie the other day and the premise was that this woman was being nominated for "Catholic Woman of the Year" meanwhile, her son was having an affair and about to leave his wife and two children (whom he'd gotten pregnant when they were younger and married her) and a daughter who was a lesbian. She's doing everything that she can to do penance for their lifestyle and basically shuns her daughter choosing to live in denial and shames her son trying to convince him to return to his wife and kids. At one point, her daughter is getting married and she's at the ceremony. The priest who is there in secret is about to marry them and he asks the audience to pray that God will bless their "holy" union. At this point, I can sense my itchy sweater. Why? Because God is not going to bless sin; EVER. I am not just talking about same sex relationships; I'm talking about all sin. If you sleep with a person that you're not married to, God's not going to bless that. It's sin. If you lie and steal to get ahead at work, God's not going to bless that... even if it's to feed your family or whatever other excuse we come up with. Then, to make matters worse (I stopped watching at that point), today, they talked about the Pope resigning and American Catholics were asked what they hoped for as far as change in the papacy. They replied that they wanted more religious tolerance because the Church was old fashioned and not current. I really became angry at that. How can we as a people who haven't been around for very long dictate to the God of the universe; the One Who created us and made everything of beauty... how can we have the audacity to tell God that He needs to get with the times and culture? Seriously? That to me is like Joshua telling me that discipline is so over-rated and I just need to let him do whatever because I don't know anything. I think you know what my response would be... and how he would react. 
Don't think that this is about Catholics. In Protestant churches as well the same thing is happening. The Boy Scouts are thinking about renigging the policy of gay boy scout leaders, churches all over are blurring the lines of Scripture to keep current with culture and turning their heads from infidelity and sin of all types simply because of the gain that they get from it... or simply to remain "relevant" and not offend. 
Yes, God wants us to love each other. I don't believe in treating people like lepers and prosecuting them because they struggle with sin. I have many gay friends and they have no doubt that I love them; however I don't agree with their lifestyle and pray for them daily. I honestly believe that God wants to free us from sin and only He has that power. I don't believe that this makes me prejudiced. I don't believe that it makes me closed minded or even ignorant. Last time I checked, compared to God, I'm quite young... I choose to believe that maybe He knows what He's talking about regardless of whether or not I agree. God is not the One with the problem. He's the One with the solution. I think that my view can be summed up with the end of Job. Job was upset because he'd lost everything except for unsupportive friends and  a nagging wife. Towards the end, God's basically asking him, "And who do you think you are?" Job wisely says, 'No one compared to you... so I'll just shut up and listen and do whatever you say." I don't think Job liked that time in his life. I'm sure that he looked back on that thinking how unfair it was that he lost everything in such a short amount of time. But regardless, he remembered that he was a baby who knew nothing compared to God. I pray for our culture who boxes their god in their own version of truth and then tries to convince us who know the True God to do the same. I think that Paul hit the nail on the head in his prayer to the Ephesians... may we as followers of Christ live in this way:
¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. ²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Amen.


 

Today I was reminded....

Today I was reminded about why I love being called "mommy". I can't tell you how many blogs I've started and erased about how trying my life is with my little guy. Honestly, I feel like I'm always fighting for him... sometimes with others but mostly so that he could see in him what I see in him. Yes, some of this is normal, but he seriously takes it past the realm of normality. If you don't believe me, ask around to someone whose had him overnight. They'll tell you!. We've been in this 3 month slump with this and quite frankly, I'm exhausted. It doesn't matter what I say or do, the boy just isn't happy unless he's in some sort of trouble. He'll have one or two good days and then follow up that success with 3 weeks of severe behavior (stealing, hoarding, lying, etc...) It at times seems like he has no regards to anyone's feelings but his own and he's so below his emotional milestones. Needless to say, it gets tedious and frustrating. BUT, this my friends is not what this is about.
Today, I was reminded about why I love being his mommy. Today was the first time in a long time that I saw the little boy that stole my heart. He was carefree and laughing. He was trusting and loving. He wasn't manipulative and heeded everything that I said without a "why" or even an argument. He wasn't perfect, but I don't want a perfect son. Jesus can keep that title!;) He often says that he loves me. I believe him when he says it... but today, he showed me and that is just so much better. These days were the moments that I cling to when all is wrong in my world. I fell in love again. Who knew that a water park could be so therapeutic? 

 Joshua did not like wearing his hat but with his *ahem* lighter skin, this was the only way to minimize the burning that was sure to happen. This was at the end of our adventures:)

Good night everyone!

Put One Step in Front of the Other...

It's been brought to my attention that I haven't written a blog in 7 months... Honestly, I've been so wrapped up in stuff that I haven't really thought about it. So, I'll catch you up... Got a job... This is a praise as many people wouldn't be able to say that these days. With that said, this is definitely a job "for a season". I'm praying that season ends when school starts and I can return to teaching. I miss it so much! But God is using this current job to stretch me in ways that apparently I needed. I love adults and love having friends who aren't kids, but I've discovered that I have very little compassion for whiny adults who are too selfish to focus outside of themselves. This folks is many times the nature of my job. Not all the time and not all of my clients are like this. It's better now than when I started. But I do have to win over their approval and convince them that they need me in their lives. Otherwise, no money. This has caused serious stress not only there, but the increase in my gas consumption as this is the way that I get from one client to another. I'm probably traveling between 250 and 350 miles per week average. My poor little car is doing it but it's on its last legs. The increase in gas has tightened my already tight budget along with the repairs from my old car. (2001 Elantra with almost 200,000 miles). Since December, I've spent over $1500 in car repairs and maintenance. Needless to say, it's time for a new car. I will say though, I'm getting to know Lynchburg and Amherst County like the back of my hand. Other things I've learned: many people in Lynchburg really are related to each other...and have the scandalous lives to prove it. I do like my clients most of the time. I'm partial to one who is really the most caring women I've ever met... just don't ever get on her bad side! I've developed a compassion for lower SES in a way that I didn't think of and have to say that our system really IS broken! If it weren't for churches providing food, clothing and shelter for many of these people, they'd be out on the street. 

On the home front, Joshua has his ups and downs. We made it over a month with nothing but good reports. I was so excited! Then, BAM! Down the slippery slope we go. I love my son but the last two weeks have been torture. Sometimes, I have to walk the dog just to keep from killing the kid! Between the lying and stealing... and now we're bullying a special needs child at school (he kicked the kid last week and choked the kid this week). Needless to say, this meant a referral for my Kindergartener and in school suspension (although they don't call it that in elementary). THEN I had to take a step back in order to not bully him. If you've been bullied, you know what I'm talking about. Apparently at school, he showed no remorse although there was a LOT of remorse at home... mostly due to (ahem) spiritual conversations with God... I'm praying through it and trying my best. The one thing I hold on to is the fact that God placed him with me this young for a reason. I don't think that Joshua is headed for a life of crime... not with as many people praying for him daily and loving him as they do. I'm looking toward the future and praying that he's just getting this yucky stuff out of his system now so that we don't have to deal with it later. The difference for me is: I realize that it's not my fault. He's making these decisions. I'm not taking it personally which I did for a long time. He's choosing anger and bitterness. Until he decides that he wants to change, I can only change the environments he's in. But boy do I hate doing that. I miss that part of my son. I miss that time of hanging out and doing fun stuff and not having to discipline all the time. But, I know that God will bring him back. It's just hard to be patient. To top it off, the adoption is still not finalized. His sperm donor is MIA and doesn't want to be found. We are now at a 2 year process for adoption on something that should have gone smoothly. BUT again, I know that there is an end to this. God's got it under control. This past weekend, I was looking at the lesson for The Landing and there was this set of verses that I came across that I love in the Message. It's from Isaiah 41:8-12. 

This is what the Lord says:

 8-10"But you, Israel, are my servant. You're Jacob, my first choice, descendants of my good friend Abraham. I pulled you in from all over the world, called you in from every dark corner of the earth, Telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side. I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.' Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you. 11-13"Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you will end up out in the cold— real losers.(<-- side note... in my head, I'm saying, "ha ha ha") Those who worked against you will end up empty-handed— nothing to show for their lives. When you go out looking for your old adversaries you won't find them— Not a trace of your old enemies, not even a memory. That's right. Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go. I'm telling you, 'Don't panic. I'm right here to help you.'  

How cool is that? So, this is what I'm clinging to this week and this is what I'm clinging to for my Joshua. Please continue to pray for both of us. The end of school is near!

For the past few days, I've had a Kirk Franklin song in my head. The whole song is about how God never puts more on us than we can bear. I've heard this before... many times in fact. In my culture, this is one of the many things that we say to each other over and over again. I often equate it to God will stop before it gets to be too much. But as I thought about it, I wonder... what is too much? If we look at the Bible, it seems that the human definition of too much and God's definition are two totally different things. Adam and Eve lost Paradise and later both their sons; one due to murder and the other to disobedience. Noah lost everyone who wasn't immediate family and endured years of teasing and taunting. Abraham had to leave everything that was familiar and go to some strange land. Lot lost his wife and self respect. Job lost everything except his wife and friends who let's be honest were not very good at the whole comforting thing... well you get the point. Some of them sinned and these were the consequences but some of them were just victims of circumstances beyond their control. As you know, I lost my job. I hate being unemployed because I love what I did and I love structure and predictability. I've been on several interviews but as of yet, not a single job. As of next week, I will be in real trouble because money will start to run out and my emergency fund will need funds. I was denied unemployment, my tax return didn't come through and now I'm fighting with both parts of the government to show me the money. I'm trying to raise my son without turning into the evil mother and trying to stay regulated so that he can stay regulated. I'm praying, studying, and doing a lot of talking to God. In the midst of all of this, I know that God will not put more on me than I can bear. But WHAT does that mean? I mean we say that so flippantly. "God won't give you more than you can handle" After a while it becomes more of a catch phrase meant to comfort even though many times, it doesn't.

Jesus told us not to worry about what we will eat or drink or wear. He says that God knows our needs and will take care of them. That God cares about us. I believe that whole-heartedly. But, in my humanness, I think, well, thanks for telling me not to worry. That's great to say. But how do I not worry? I mean, what else do I have to do? But then I remember my steps (of course) and pray the Serenity prayer and ask God... unpack this PLEASE! Here's what I discovered.

Matthew 11:28-30 NIRV
28 "Come to me, all of you who are tired and are carrying heavy loads. I will give you rest. 29 Become my servants and learn from me. I am gentle and free of pride. You will find rest for your souls. 30 Serving me is easy, and my load is light."

1 Peter 5:7 The Message (MSG)
6-7So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you.

Here's what I learned: God doesn't give us more than we can handle... but we take on more than God intended for us to have. Jesus tells us to give our burdens to Him. He says if we do, then we will find the rest for our souls. God is not surprised by my life. It didn't just come upon Him. He did not say, "Uh-oh." or OOPS!. (I did though). Day in and day out, it's a daily decision for me to give Jesus my cares and concerns. If I don't, then I cannot blame God for giving me more than I can handle. The truth is that if my son is trying to pick something up that is too heavy, I tell him to put it down so that I can carry it to where it's supposed to go. Why? Because it's more than he can carry. He knows that it's too much and that if he tries, he'll hurt himself from the weight of it all. And yet in my life, I'm often trying to pick up a ton of bricks thinking that I can shoulder it alone. This was never what God intended. Sure, He'll let us try. But He's right there beside me saying, "Janelle, whenever you're tired of being stubborn, let me know. I have free hands to carry that." I am not God. I have zero control over any of this. The only thing I can do is give it to God and ask Him to carry it and me wherever He wants. The great thing about it is that He doesn't mind my asking. As a matter of fact, He wants me to ask. Yes, I'm struggling, but I'm trusting that God is going to get me through. The key for me: to rest in Him and not hop out of Hands. I want a job... I really do. But, during this time, I don't want to squander what God has for me. I will continue to pray for favor and gainful employment and ask that you do the same for me. But also, pray that I don't forget the valuable lessons that God has for me during this time.