Attitude Reflects Leadership; Captain.

Today was horrible! SERIOUSLY PEOPLE! I went into work crying because I didn't want to be there. To make it worse, all of us were having a bad day and we were just plain old grumpy. I go to pick up my son after work and he's grumpy too so I just send him to bed. I mean, how dare he mirror my grumpiness? Who does he think he is?
Then, I have to get ready for step study. But, God just tells me to be still and pray. I start out complaining but then God reminds me of principle one of CR: Realize that I am NOT God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. I realized that I've been spending the past two weeks trying to control things. No wonder I'm feeling that I'm not good enough. It's true. On my own, I'm not good enough. My life is unmanageable but this is because instead of living in the reality that I am not in control of the people around me, I'm trying to plug up all the holes in my job with silly putty. There's water everywhere and I'm trying to figure out why I'm all wet! Then I'm asking God to bless MY efforts to "do better". I cannot control my supervisor, the parents or the students. I can't fix them, heal them, make them behave or make them think rationally. Unfortunately, I forgot that even though "I have a desire to do what is good, I can't carry that out." So, I'm spinning my wheels and getting frustrated that I'm not going anywhere. But, then God pointed out to me that I'm not innocent in this and that I have a part to play. I'm not putting Him in my thoughts at work... not really. I mean, I listen to music and pod casts and even pray the Serenity prayer but not because I meant it; but more because I thought that if I did, God would fix it. I was seeking God's hand and not seeking His face. The humbling thing is that despite my blindness to myself, He still used me this week and let me see His goodness and mercy. Why He does this is simply so that His glory can shine and has nothing to do with me. He put me in my place today and I could not be more thrilled. He pulled me out of my own pity party and showed me that it's not about me. It's about Him. So, I was able to go through step study with a lighter heart than I've had for a while. These character defects that are affecting my work performance definitely do need addressing. I don't want to just "do better". God created me for so much more than that! I want to serve at work in a way that there can be no discussion or argument that whatever I do I'm doing for God's glory. That family is not going anywhere. As much as I wish it were so. My supervisor may not make a miraculous conversion and care about how she treats people whom she is leading but again, why am I expecting her to do something that I can't do myself? Today, one saying has been in my mind. It came from Remember the Titans. "Attitude reflects leadership; Captain." Basically, because of her attitude and leadership, I erroneously thought that I don't have to rise above. I am only going to go as far as she is willing to go. But, God reminded me that I am a member of the upside down kingdom. I don't have a ceiling. I have a calling. That is to serve Him regardless of my circumstances. Attitude reflects leadership?

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God,did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! Philippians 2: 1-8.

In order to find the calm in the storm and the peace that passes all understanding, my attitude has to reflect my Leader. I've been struggling because my attitude is reflective of my human earthly leader (who does know God). I was not seeing the big picture! Look at vs. 12-18: Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me. I want that! But, for that to happen, I have to give up my own ideas and expectations and humble myself to the point to where I have made myself nothing so that Christ can be my everything.
After this epiphany, I had to apologize to my son. Talk about humbling! I HATE apologizing to him. He's obnoxious about it. Our conversations go something like this:
Me: Joshua, I'm sorry that I was a grumpy pants. I was wrong. You didn't deserve the way I treated you.
Joshua: You're right, mommy. I didn't deserve it. I was like, "I didn't deserve that."
At this point, I usually want to take the apology and shove it where the sun don't shine. But, I did apologize. Granted, I woke him from sleep (I'm a good mom, right) so that I could resolve it right away AND so that he's too tired to make an obnoxious comment. It's a win-win, right? No? Well... I guess I still have some work to do... But, in the meantime, I'm choosing to have a different attitude at work. It's not about me but I do need to have a good look in the mirror and see where I'm putting me before Him at work. I want the junk out so that He can come in. I want my attitude to actually reflect Leadership. We'll see if I can actually deliver tomorrow...

notenough

It has been such a tough couple of weeks at work and school! I love my job but lately, it's had to be a choice to love it rather than just out of the wellspring like in the past. There are some families who are really tough to deal with and it seems that they keep pointing out things that I am doing wrong. So, then I get called in and told the things that they reported and then reprimanded. Sort of a "Yes, they're difficult, but you're not doing enough" types of conversations. It sucks! The thing about it is that I'm doing the best that I know how to do and it's discouraging because it seems like no matter what I do, I can't win. I'm not saying I'm perfect or anything... far from it. Believe me, I know that full well and yet, there is no acknowledgment or encouragement of the positive things that I've tried. Today, it was more about accusation. I try to make the changes but even with those it's still not right. It's not enough. My supervisor even though I'm trying to show her grace being that she's new to the position doesn't know how to encourage or just listen. Just wants to point out my many faults and then tell me to do better. Not helpful, just empty words to my hurting, discouraged heart... and this is really what I'm feeling. Discouraged.

The good thing is that I know that this is just a season. Things won't be like this forever. My God loves me and He knew how discouraged I was feeling (and still feel). So, He's given me CR to encourage me. He's put me in a place to listen to women's hearts as they share their hurts, habits and hang ups. We had 19 in the large group on Sunday and I got to be a part of that! He's given me a step study to co-lead. While it's been tough and many will not finish the journey, being a part of that has shown me where I was and where He wants to take me. I love my step study ladies and they have been a blessing as they've blessed me. He's also given me wonderful women to sponsor. What a wonderful and humbling journey. On Monday, I was blessed to see the growth of a woman who is well into her golden years. She should be sponsoring me with her vast wisdom and yet, in God's upside down kingdom, I get the privilege of helping her through her journey. On Tuesday I get the privilege of sponsoring another woman and while she has a lot going on, it's such a joy to see how God is moving in her life. Wednesdays, I sponsor a true friend who has had a spiritual awakening and even though I've known her for over two years, it brings tears to my eyes to listen to her talk about the awesome God we serve. I find her so refreshing and such a joy. All three of these women are teaching me about what it means to live in community and to use the gifts that God has given to give back to others. So, at work, I was discouraged. But God reminded me that I don't need to be downcast. Before I started blogging, I checked my verse for the day. How I missed this earlier, only God knows but this is what it said:
“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12 Could the timing be more perfect? He is an on time God who is the Great Encourager. He reminded me of this one simple and yet profound fact:
Greater is He that is in me than he that is in my classroom.

One Day

This has been a hard couple of weeks and it doesn't look like it's going to get any easier... Today and tomorrow my chant will be... living one day at a time... one MOMENT at a time. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Regardless of what is going on externally, internally, I will trust in God because only He knows what will happen next.

Confessions of a self indulgent mother...

This has been a hard weekend for me. My son is sick and today I found out that he has the flu and bronchitis. Yesterday and the day before, he was still at the running and jumping-gotta-get-him-to-rest phase. Today, he was pitifully listless. No school for either of us and probably not going to happen until Wednesday if all goes well. To be quite honest, I'm going crazy at home. While I love my son and have enjoyed the snuggle time, I haven't talked to any adult besides my mother, sister, and work since Friday. I would hear crickets if it weren't so cold outside. When the Doc said that he may not go back to school until next week, I almost cried. Mostly for feeling guilty about crying not about my sick son, but about my selfish what about me attitude. If you know me you know how truly scatter-brained I am. Needless to say, my lesson plans were not good and so I was scolded (firmly yet gently) for that and so that just adds on to the pile of self loathing. I do not like myself in this state. But, God is so here! I have choices and this is what makes this different from times before. Yes, I went there at times, but I've also decided not to stay there.I've prayed the Serenity Prayer more times today and yesterday than I can count. It's been so helpful.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change I can't change that my son is sick. I can't change that I'm at home bored. I can't change being a single parent doing this alone. I can't change my brain make-up.
The courage to change the things I can My lesson plans were horrid. So, I can go to work and make up new ones and over prepare. I can communicate better and ask for feedback without slipping into defensive excuse making mode. I can apologize and improve. I can take this time and dedicate it to God.
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time...
One moment at a time...
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.. While I feel like my life right now is chaotic, I know that this isn't going to last forever. Besides, it's not about me. In the big span of things, this is just a day... a blip and things will return to normal. It may be Wednesday, it may not be until the weekend but this too will pass until the next crisis:)
Taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it is; not as I would have it. My choice: Back to my own schedule and routine where I know what's coming next.
Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your Will. Joshua WILL get better. I simply need to ask God what He wants me to learn from this experience.
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life He is a cute sick little boy... Actually he's on his best behavior when he's ill. His brain power is spent healing, not thinking up evil plots to kill me before I'm 35... or to die before his 6th birthday...
And supremely happy with You forever in the next...
So glad that I have the tools now to move forward and not backward:) While I feel that this was a silly, pitiful post, I do feel better.

Mommy's Bragging Rights

I love my son and our growth together. I can't believe that over 2 years ago I took in this hurting, traumatized child who didn't have any discipline without full knowledge of what I was getting into. We have had so many temper tantrums that I have lost count. There have been times when I had to walk away from my son's room with him screaming inside while repeating the words, "I love my son, I chose my son..." etc. These have become less and less frequent as he has become stronger and stronger. He is so smart. While I've always known this it is nice to have the documentation to back it up. His IQ score? 122 although I think that's a little low. He was also tested for school readiness and tested out at the ninth month of kindergarten. It's amazing! He's actually making it through school with fewer problems than ever before. It's not perfect though.My son stole from his school. He then lied about it. I know this doesn't sound like a good story right now... He's only stolen once before and I gave him the same consequence. Today, he had a horrible day at school. While I don't know all of the details, I do know that it was really bad. Later we had therapy and he talked about how wrong stealing was. When we got in the car, we talked about it like we always did and usually he talks about the consequences that he's received. It's always external. But today, as we were processing, he said that he was mad at himself for making a bad decision. This is the first time that he's said this. Talk about relief! It was such a great conversation and one that I've been waiting for. That internal conscience! God is good. In other news, we have our home study on Monday. YAY GOD!:)

You'll be hearing from my lawyer!

OK... not really. Heck, I actually need to call my lawyer... So, I'm going through with the adoption. I'm really excited and scared. I know it sounds sort of stupid but adoption makes everything so... real. I know he's my son and all. No doubt about it. But adoption means that there really is no turning back. I'm ready for that change but it doesn't make it any less scary. God has definitely put me here "for such a time as this". I look back at this journey and I can't believe all of the wonderful things that God has done in the past almost 5 years of my life. I was talking to a friend of mine and this is what I wrote:

Thank you for your prayers, I'll continue to need them:) Yes, God did know. Who knew that almost 5 years ago when I threw a baby shower for [his biological mother] that it would be for my own son? Or when she called me to ask if she should let him be adopted by the people in California that it would be because God had ordained it for me to raise him and not the other family? Sometimes I look back at all of the complaining I did and my "plan" for my life and laugh. Technically, God answered my prayer. I said that I wanted to start having children around 27 or 28. Technically, I did. I just didn't have to carry him or birth him myself. I still want biological children and a husband, but seeing how God has worked has really given me perspective. I don't worry about those things or nag about them because if God can do something like this, who knows what other things he has for me? In the words of the story that Woody likes to tell, I know that God is fond of me.

I often have to remind myself of God insights like this when he's screaming like a wild child because he didn't get his way. Like last week: He was upset because he lied even though I warned him that if he lied to me that he would go to bed. He of course lied and I sent him to bed. So, the tantrum began. 20 minutes later, I go up and remind him that his tantrum does no good, and that he's just wasting his time. I close the door and go downstairs. A minute later, he stops screaming that he wants to get up and take a bath and is now screaming, "I WANT MY TIME BACK!!!!" I don't know where he got that from... he's so dramatic!;)



I can't believe he'll be 5 in a little over a month. FIVE!!! Seriously? Next year, he'll start Kindergarten (I'm already praying for his poor teacher) and it'll be all over. Where did the time go? Yesterday, we played football (OK... I just tackled him over and over) and it was such a sweet time of memories. He's such a funny character although just between you and me... a little weird as well... OK quirky. He's like an 80 year old man in a 4 year old's body. He makes sure that no one will forget him and couldn't be a wall flower if he wanted to... no matter how pale he is... He'll find a way to upstage anyone with his bobbing eyebrows and break dancing. Anyway, I could brag about him all day or night:) Here's a picture from a friend's wedding. I don't know what he's doing, but at least I look good;)

Insecurity

Friday my school took a field trip to Monticello and Montpelier for Constitution day. It was a great day and the kids did a terrific job. I was so proud of how they listened and behaved even though it was hot and not everything was a blast. The kids were great... unfortunately, one of my coworkers sent me back into de ja vu. Those of you who know me know my struggles with insecurity especially insecurity that comes from social relationships. Between my ADD and my social history growing up with being picked on a bullied, this has really been a challenge coming to terms and accepting that I'm important and valued. This is not new. Many people have struggled like I have. It's probably one of the only things that everyone has in common... feeling that they matter and are valued... but I digress.

I have a coworker who is one of those extra care required people. You know the ones I'm talking about... they're constantly negative with nothing good to say. You see them coming and you look for the closest exit? Yes, I can see you saying their names right now. Well, I have one of those at my job. I like this person and all as I work with her daily, and yet, she's a really negative person. Lately, she's taken a bit of a turn and her negativity is not just centered at herself, she's negatively attacking me. She called me out in front of the students and basically said that I was incompetent when it came to classroom management. Unfortunately, the whole school was listening as well as some parents as it was on a field trip. The whole trip was like that except there were some times when she would joke and act like all was fine and dandy then the next minute, another insult. I completely felt like I was back in middle school! It was so horrible and no one spoke up... including me. I didn't know what to do. I finished the trip and left early due to a massive headache caused by the fact that I hadn't had my coffee or any caffeine that day. But, the Holy Spirit kept telling me that I needed to confront her about her behaviors. We (the HS and I) battled for most of the day. But, in the end, I emailed her. When I finished reading it over for the umpteenth time, I sent it off. I know it's not going to be pretty, but one thing that I learned in CR is that my codependent habit of trying to keep the peace doesn't work. Stuffing my anger doesn't work. So, I let it out and even though I'm scared out of my gourd because I know that there is going to be some push back, I'm proud of myself for standing up to a bully. I think it's a shame I have to do that as an adult and quite frankly, I often wonder WHY I'm special enough to get to experience this social pleasure. I swear I have a sign on me somewhere that says "pick me! pick me!"... OK... I know that's not true;) but that's how it feels. A complete flashback to childhood... *sigh* it's a good thing I'm in CR.