God is so good. I just can't tell you just how blessed I feel. Joshua's doing better and it's such a joy to not feel the knot in my shoulders when I pick him up. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get him into a Pre-k program next year but it looks like the odds of him getting in are 50/50 because they've cut the program down. This is definitely one of those gotta trust God deals.
So, CR kids starts in a week or two and I'm excited that Joshua gets to go... the problem is that I don't know what to do with ME. I know I don't want to be in a group, but I also don't want to just stand against the wall. I'm really just trying to figure out what God is up to here. Where is my place? I'm not nervous and part of me thinks that I want an answer simply to appease my fellow CR peeps. As a matter of fact, if I was being honest, that's exactly what it's about. I personally like where I am right now and am so happy for the break. It's nice to be able to hang with friends and spend a leisurely lazy Sunday at home.
My mother's coming in on Friday and I am so excited. I so love her. She's the best. I think that she's really starting to warm up to Joshua and it's great to see. It's sort of awkward because they're not biologically related and I can't really gauge where she is with him. With Xavier, she picks him up and snuggles with him all the time and part of me thinks it's because he's a baby and another part thinks that it's because they're biologically related. I find that I'm really sensitive with that... but, I know that she likes Joshua and I think that in time, she'll see him as her grandson as well... if that ever happens. I'm sort of waiting things out and asking God for direction so that I can make the right decision for him. I cannot imagine my life without him in it day in and day out. Heck, I miss him when he's not there for a night! I do want to move toward adopting him but I'm also afraid because if I think things are complicated now, how much more will they be complicated if I move forward on that? *sigh* So, I'm just waiting on God to show the way. He's learning and blossoming and I am so in love with my little boy. At times, I get overwhelmed with the fact that he's a 4 year old and I really sometimes just have to take a step back and accept him for who he is at 4. He's just so precious and he's been through so much.
Spiritually, I feel like I'm just going with the flow. I talk to God and I think we're on good terms... We talk and all, but I know that there were times when we were closer. I want more of Him but I'm not sure how to get there.... actually I do. I need to spend more quality time talking to Him instead of watching TV. Seriously, that is my best friend. Fake people on the boob tube. Man I need a life! It's not as bad as all that though. Only during the weekends and at night. I try to not watch as much TV when Joshua's around because I don't want him to get hooked on it, but there are times when I send him downstairs so that I can unwind in front of the TV. It's times like that when I feel that I'm not doing right by him. I don't know... maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. I do love my God, though. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I want to live a life of excellence... but seriously, that's SO HARD!!!!!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Quote of the week
This morning, we were walking to his babysitter's and he said, "Even though you're not as skinny as me, you're still pretty skinny. *sigh* I love him;)
Friday, April 23, 2010
Hrumph
I have been so grumpy lately. It's all I can do to not bite my son's head off... It's times like this that I feel like a bad mother:( It seems at times all I do is say, "don't do that." or "don't do this" or "no" *sigh*. I'm hoping it's just a "phase" (ahem).
Today, I went to schedule him for pre-k and I can already tell that it's going to be quite an ordeal. There are already 38 kids signed up for a class of 16 which means that half of them will not make it. Meanwhile, I was told that the registration was from 9-4 and when I got there, the woman told me it closed at 2:30. So, now I have to go back on Tuesday at 1:30 for an interview. I'm hoping that he gets in because: 1: He needs the exposure of other kids and 2: I can't afford full time daycare. I did find out that we are in the Thomas Jefferson school zone which is sort of a bummer because New London is a much smaller school. But, I'm not going to worry about that now because that's at least a year away. So, my summer is going to be spent researching SPED law to pretty much assure that he gets into pre-k even though he is not at risk behaviorally and working on other Joshua related things. It's going to be an adventurous summer!
Today, I went to schedule him for pre-k and I can already tell that it's going to be quite an ordeal. There are already 38 kids signed up for a class of 16 which means that half of them will not make it. Meanwhile, I was told that the registration was from 9-4 and when I got there, the woman told me it closed at 2:30. So, now I have to go back on Tuesday at 1:30 for an interview. I'm hoping that he gets in because: 1: He needs the exposure of other kids and 2: I can't afford full time daycare. I did find out that we are in the Thomas Jefferson school zone which is sort of a bummer because New London is a much smaller school. But, I'm not going to worry about that now because that's at least a year away. So, my summer is going to be spent researching SPED law to pretty much assure that he gets into pre-k even though he is not at risk behaviorally and working on other Joshua related things. It's going to be an adventurous summer!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Say What?
So, a couple of years ago, I started attending CR. I did it due to my struggle with pornography. While I wouldn't say I was addicted, I would say that it was not good. We all struggle with sin and this was my major one. I just couldn't seem to break free from it! It was embarrassing, and I was very ashamed. But, God intervened and I decided to be obedient. I began attending a step study and missed maybe 1 or 2 weeks. It completely changed my life. Gone was the urge to want to delve into this dark place of anonymously doing what I knew was wrong. Gone was the time wasted on this horrible habit. Gone is the struggle between wanting God's blessing and not being able to grab hold of His promise of John 10:10. Words cannot express the freedom I feel in my life. I've been clean from this habit for over a year and I am not looking back. I started to take hold of the first principle: Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable and Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that ourlives had become unmanageable. This was so a picture of my life!
I am so indebted to CR, Blue Ridge, Debbie and my step study group for their obedience and willingness to allow others to say "I am FREE!" I started going on Sundays and was quickly ushered into leading a group for the younger women. My co-leader and I had 4 consistent girls and 4 non-consistent ones. Of those, only 1 or two are still following God passionately. It was very frustrating to me because while I was ever moving towards God, I struggled with anger because my co-leader was stuck and not moving forward. In turn, many of the group members were stuck and not moving forward. Even though I enjoyed seeing change and growth when it happened, it wasn't consistent and it wasn't something that produced life change for the members in the group. I began to feel disheartened and discourage and started to battle against feeling bitter about the fact that CR happened on a Sunday during football season. I should say that it wasn't the football that I cared about (at least not to the point of feeling bitter). It was the fact that my closest friends hung out every Sunday as a community. I missed that closeness with them and the memories made there. I missed out on forming relationships with them and getting support from them because of that. But, I also think that God had me there for a reason and looking back, I'm not upset or bitter. I was being obedient.
At the beginning of this year, I was overwhelmed with Joshua's constant tantrums and never napping. He was about to be kicked out of another daycare and I was frustrated. To top it off, I didn't have a rest or Sabbath day because my weekends were filled with social obligations and on Sunday, CR. I prayed to God as well as listened and we decided that I needed to take a break. This wasn't working and it wasn't something I was passionate about. So, I stepped down from leading that group. The group actually disbanded because it wasn't healthy. My co-leader continued to participate in a group and the ones who were serious about God remained serious and are thriving.
My absence did not go unnoticed and I started getting the "we miss you, now don't you feel bad about missing CR"? looks. Because of my time there, I've worked on my co-dependent issues and so these didn't phase me. I was being obedient and God was blessing me for it. I felt rested on Monday mornings, Joshua and I were able to bond over the weekends and I was able to connect in a more real way with new friends. I also was able to start attending TruthWorks on Tuesdays and as we studied the book of Nehemiah, I was again reminded how much I love studying scripture with other people. This SO fills my tank! Exchanging ideas and insights over God's Word... leaves me speechless! God allowed it so that I didn't miss a single one and made new acquaintances. Not only that,but every week, I was able to point something that we learned back to CR and the steps! So, new people were learning about CR and how it's impacted not just addicts, but to everyday people. It was amazing!
Meanwhile, I'm still struggling on where God wants me. Does He want me to return to leadership? Does He want me to serve? Does He want me to work with the teens or children? But God just said, "Be patient." So, I am:) Then, last week, Debbie called and asked if I wanted to go to the Summit which is the big conference for CR to look at the new material for the teens. I was not happy that she asked me because I didn't know her motive. So, I prayed and asked God for guidance. He gave me questions to ask and after being disobedient by deciding to put it off until after I finished watching my show on TV, I called her. We talked and as we talked, I prayed. I was clear that I didn't know what my purpose was to be in CR and that God may be taking me out of it altogether! At the end, she said that regardless, she still wanted me to go even if it was just a confirmation that God has something different. So, I'm going back to Cali and am excited. Hopefully, it will help to provide insight into where God really wants me in the ministry and if He wants me there at all.
The other day, I was asking God to reveal what He truly wants me to do and where to serve. Is it leadership here or in something else? Does He want me to step out of leadership and just do lighting or is there more? I was talking to a dear friend and I was telling her about my leadership experiences and mentioned that I didn't like how stagnate some of my groups were. I also talked about how God has been moving in my life and placing people in my path to counsel and listen to. How He gave me words and themes to tell them and how cool that was. I talked about how God gives me Scripture for them, etc. She looks at me and she basically says that maybe my gift isn't leadership because leaders are more concerned about the people moving towards God and have a burden and passion for those who are stagnate. She then said that maybe my spiritual gift was closer to prophecy. So, I took an inventory of my last couple of weeks as well as my last few years. I looked at how God talks to me and does in fact give me the words to say, how I can find a biblical application for someone who is going through a particular situation and how my heartbeat quickens when things like this happen and the pieces really started to fall into place. Over 5 years ago, a man stopped mid-step during a Catalyst conference and basically said that God told him to tell me that I was going to use my gift of prophecy for Him. It seems that it was not just a random occurrence. God is birthing that in me and I am excited about what He wants me to do. While I still don't know what the big picture is, I do know that God is revealing it in His own time, at His own pace. I am excited and can't wait to see where He takes me next!
I am so indebted to CR, Blue Ridge, Debbie and my step study group for their obedience and willingness to allow others to say "I am FREE!" I started going on Sundays and was quickly ushered into leading a group for the younger women. My co-leader and I had 4 consistent girls and 4 non-consistent ones. Of those, only 1 or two are still following God passionately. It was very frustrating to me because while I was ever moving towards God, I struggled with anger because my co-leader was stuck and not moving forward. In turn, many of the group members were stuck and not moving forward. Even though I enjoyed seeing change and growth when it happened, it wasn't consistent and it wasn't something that produced life change for the members in the group. I began to feel disheartened and discourage and started to battle against feeling bitter about the fact that CR happened on a Sunday during football season. I should say that it wasn't the football that I cared about (at least not to the point of feeling bitter). It was the fact that my closest friends hung out every Sunday as a community. I missed that closeness with them and the memories made there. I missed out on forming relationships with them and getting support from them because of that. But, I also think that God had me there for a reason and looking back, I'm not upset or bitter. I was being obedient.
At the beginning of this year, I was overwhelmed with Joshua's constant tantrums and never napping. He was about to be kicked out of another daycare and I was frustrated. To top it off, I didn't have a rest or Sabbath day because my weekends were filled with social obligations and on Sunday, CR. I prayed to God as well as listened and we decided that I needed to take a break. This wasn't working and it wasn't something I was passionate about. So, I stepped down from leading that group. The group actually disbanded because it wasn't healthy. My co-leader continued to participate in a group and the ones who were serious about God remained serious and are thriving.
My absence did not go unnoticed and I started getting the "we miss you, now don't you feel bad about missing CR"? looks. Because of my time there, I've worked on my co-dependent issues and so these didn't phase me. I was being obedient and God was blessing me for it. I felt rested on Monday mornings, Joshua and I were able to bond over the weekends and I was able to connect in a more real way with new friends. I also was able to start attending TruthWorks on Tuesdays and as we studied the book of Nehemiah, I was again reminded how much I love studying scripture with other people. This SO fills my tank! Exchanging ideas and insights over God's Word... leaves me speechless! God allowed it so that I didn't miss a single one and made new acquaintances. Not only that,but every week, I was able to point something that we learned back to CR and the steps! So, new people were learning about CR and how it's impacted not just addicts, but to everyday people. It was amazing!
Meanwhile, I'm still struggling on where God wants me. Does He want me to return to leadership? Does He want me to serve? Does He want me to work with the teens or children? But God just said, "Be patient." So, I am:) Then, last week, Debbie called and asked if I wanted to go to the Summit which is the big conference for CR to look at the new material for the teens. I was not happy that she asked me because I didn't know her motive. So, I prayed and asked God for guidance. He gave me questions to ask and after being disobedient by deciding to put it off until after I finished watching my show on TV, I called her. We talked and as we talked, I prayed. I was clear that I didn't know what my purpose was to be in CR and that God may be taking me out of it altogether! At the end, she said that regardless, she still wanted me to go even if it was just a confirmation that God has something different. So, I'm going back to Cali and am excited. Hopefully, it will help to provide insight into where God really wants me in the ministry and if He wants me there at all.
The other day, I was asking God to reveal what He truly wants me to do and where to serve. Is it leadership here or in something else? Does He want me to step out of leadership and just do lighting or is there more? I was talking to a dear friend and I was telling her about my leadership experiences and mentioned that I didn't like how stagnate some of my groups were. I also talked about how God has been moving in my life and placing people in my path to counsel and listen to. How He gave me words and themes to tell them and how cool that was. I talked about how God gives me Scripture for them, etc. She looks at me and she basically says that maybe my gift isn't leadership because leaders are more concerned about the people moving towards God and have a burden and passion for those who are stagnate. She then said that maybe my spiritual gift was closer to prophecy. So, I took an inventory of my last couple of weeks as well as my last few years. I looked at how God talks to me and does in fact give me the words to say, how I can find a biblical application for someone who is going through a particular situation and how my heartbeat quickens when things like this happen and the pieces really started to fall into place. Over 5 years ago, a man stopped mid-step during a Catalyst conference and basically said that God told him to tell me that I was going to use my gift of prophecy for Him. It seems that it was not just a random occurrence. God is birthing that in me and I am excited about what He wants me to do. While I still don't know what the big picture is, I do know that God is revealing it in His own time, at His own pace. I am excited and can't wait to see where He takes me next!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Ramblings
This week has been pretty good. It's birthday week and I am loving it! While I didn't do anything too terribly exciting yesterday, it's been a busy week and am having friends over on Friday. SO EXCITED:) Tonight, Joshua and I went to 1st Wednesday and it was a sweet time although at times, I felt disconnected from God. I think that the biggest thing for me is that I'm not always listening to His promptings especially at work. God sets things up and then I ignore and don't listen. *sigh* I wonder if I'll ever catch onto that. Maybe one day...
Afterwords, a friend and I started talking about some of the struggles that she's been going through and everything pointed back to Celebrate Recovery. I was able to tell my own story of giving things up to God and realizing that I REALLY don't control anything. I was able to tell her about letting go of the bitterness and resentment that I held against my parents and being able to accept them for who they are with nothing in return and how freeing that has been and how that's changed our relationship. I love this God journey!
In other news, I have a friend from college who when he left decided that he was going to embrace the gay lifestyle and turn away from God. Today, he posted an interesting article about the perception of the gay lifestyle and how it has it's extremes just like everything else. One of my dear friends pointed out that the argument was one sided and how the perception is faulty. I followed up and said that it's not about being gay or straight, but about the identity. My heart truly hurts for him and for many of my gay friends because of their belief that God at this moment is asking them to choose to be "something that they're not." and how because of that, He doesn't love them and they don't love Him. It pains me that they choose to believe the lie. But, it's not just them. I think of my friends who sleep with each other and are involved in unhealthy relationships. Those who live lifestyles of futility and selfishness and the same pain abounds. I hate how Satan wants them to believe the lie and doubt truth simply because it doesn't fit their life style. Or that we can believe some parts of the Bible and not others because it's "judgmental". I was listening to a talk by Craig Groschel, who is the pastor of Life Church and he was talking about Practical Atheism. The idea or concept of "I believe in God but..."
I think the thing that God is pointing out to me is that there are so many hurting people there and how I need to constantly stand and listen to Him as He gives me direction. I don't take the opportunities to pray for my coworkers. I do give into the lie at work... and for what? For time? What else am I here for if not to Mark people's lives SO THAT they can come to know God like I know Him? How many of my friends are miserable because they are running from God like there's always tomorrow? Why don't I want people to experience abundant life like I know it now? What is my problem? I honestly think that God used my friend in order to remind me of that. I can write to him about it, but not to my co-workers whom I see every day. How interesting and ridiculous. I'm glad that God allowed me to see that tonight. I've got to move forward on that and stop being "polite" in that sense. I've got to move into action and not complacency. It's going to be hard, but I want to run the race without shackles.
Afterwords, a friend and I started talking about some of the struggles that she's been going through and everything pointed back to Celebrate Recovery. I was able to tell my own story of giving things up to God and realizing that I REALLY don't control anything. I was able to tell her about letting go of the bitterness and resentment that I held against my parents and being able to accept them for who they are with nothing in return and how freeing that has been and how that's changed our relationship. I love this God journey!
In other news, I have a friend from college who when he left decided that he was going to embrace the gay lifestyle and turn away from God. Today, he posted an interesting article about the perception of the gay lifestyle and how it has it's extremes just like everything else. One of my dear friends pointed out that the argument was one sided and how the perception is faulty. I followed up and said that it's not about being gay or straight, but about the identity. My heart truly hurts for him and for many of my gay friends because of their belief that God at this moment is asking them to choose to be "something that they're not." and how because of that, He doesn't love them and they don't love Him. It pains me that they choose to believe the lie. But, it's not just them. I think of my friends who sleep with each other and are involved in unhealthy relationships. Those who live lifestyles of futility and selfishness and the same pain abounds. I hate how Satan wants them to believe the lie and doubt truth simply because it doesn't fit their life style. Or that we can believe some parts of the Bible and not others because it's "judgmental". I was listening to a talk by Craig Groschel, who is the pastor of Life Church and he was talking about Practical Atheism. The idea or concept of "I believe in God but..."
I think the thing that God is pointing out to me is that there are so many hurting people there and how I need to constantly stand and listen to Him as He gives me direction. I don't take the opportunities to pray for my coworkers. I do give into the lie at work... and for what? For time? What else am I here for if not to Mark people's lives SO THAT they can come to know God like I know Him? How many of my friends are miserable because they are running from God like there's always tomorrow? Why don't I want people to experience abundant life like I know it now? What is my problem? I honestly think that God used my friend in order to remind me of that. I can write to him about it, but not to my co-workers whom I see every day. How interesting and ridiculous. I'm glad that God allowed me to see that tonight. I've got to move forward on that and stop being "polite" in that sense. I've got to move into action and not complacency. It's going to be hard, but I want to run the race without shackles.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Spring Break
I love Spring Break. AND it's Birthday Week:) Two of my favorite things together. Not having to work and my birthday. Could this week BE any cooler? And I get to spend it with my wonderful son who right now is downstairs being entertained by Elmo. I hear him laughing and it makes me laugh. I really am happy that we get this week to bond and connect in ways that I don't usually have the energy to do during the school day. Plus, I get to work on my school class which is also great. I hate this class. It's full of math, papers, and depending on people who don't know how to write:( But, Praise God this is the last week.
I've also started eharmony a couple of months ago. I figured that it's time I get out there. I've realized from my time in CR that the reason I haven't been dating is not because of them, it's been because of my crippling fear of rejection. I didn't realize how bad it was until after I completed my step study. My horrible feelings of "what if" have greatly hindered my dating life. But, I'm not going to allow that anymore. I have started talking to this guy but he lives in TN. He seems nice enough but eager and well, I don't do well with that. But, I'm going to try. Spiritually he seems pretty good, but only time will tell. I chose eharmony because I figured that this way I don't have to leave Joshua and can do it on my time without disrupting his life. It's definitely going to be tricky, but I think I'm ready to stop making excuses.
Joshua's therapist has been pushing me in the past few months to consider pushing Noelle to consider me adopting Joshua. She was sort of concerned when I said that I wasn't quite ready for that yet. But the truth is that to go through that process is emotionally draining, financially draining and time consuming. Not to mention that it makes things final. I know that seems silly, but I'm really scared of the word final. It's not that I'll never do it or even that it's not something that I want, but I am not ready to go that next step yet. Does that make me sound stupid or selfish? I don't quite know. But on the other hand, I know that it is something that I do want in the end, but I just don't know if now is the time to pursue that. I'll just keep trusting God with it all and see how it goes.
I've also started eharmony a couple of months ago. I figured that it's time I get out there. I've realized from my time in CR that the reason I haven't been dating is not because of them, it's been because of my crippling fear of rejection. I didn't realize how bad it was until after I completed my step study. My horrible feelings of "what if" have greatly hindered my dating life. But, I'm not going to allow that anymore. I have started talking to this guy but he lives in TN. He seems nice enough but eager and well, I don't do well with that. But, I'm going to try. Spiritually he seems pretty good, but only time will tell. I chose eharmony because I figured that this way I don't have to leave Joshua and can do it on my time without disrupting his life. It's definitely going to be tricky, but I think I'm ready to stop making excuses.
Joshua's therapist has been pushing me in the past few months to consider pushing Noelle to consider me adopting Joshua. She was sort of concerned when I said that I wasn't quite ready for that yet. But the truth is that to go through that process is emotionally draining, financially draining and time consuming. Not to mention that it makes things final. I know that seems silly, but I'm really scared of the word final. It's not that I'll never do it or even that it's not something that I want, but I am not ready to go that next step yet. Does that make me sound stupid or selfish? I don't quite know. But on the other hand, I know that it is something that I do want in the end, but I just don't know if now is the time to pursue that. I'll just keep trusting God with it all and see how it goes.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
HE IS RISEN
I love the fact that I follow a living God. Easter is one of my favorite times of year because we serve a living God. He's not dead. Happy Easter everyone! (anyone;) )
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)