One Day

This has been a hard couple of weeks and it doesn't look like it's going to get any easier... Today and tomorrow my chant will be... living one day at a time... one MOMENT at a time. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Regardless of what is going on externally, internally, I will trust in God because only He knows what will happen next.

Confessions of a self indulgent mother...

This has been a hard weekend for me. My son is sick and today I found out that he has the flu and bronchitis. Yesterday and the day before, he was still at the running and jumping-gotta-get-him-to-rest phase. Today, he was pitifully listless. No school for either of us and probably not going to happen until Wednesday if all goes well. To be quite honest, I'm going crazy at home. While I love my son and have enjoyed the snuggle time, I haven't talked to any adult besides my mother, sister, and work since Friday. I would hear crickets if it weren't so cold outside. When the Doc said that he may not go back to school until next week, I almost cried. Mostly for feeling guilty about crying not about my sick son, but about my selfish what about me attitude. If you know me you know how truly scatter-brained I am. Needless to say, my lesson plans were not good and so I was scolded (firmly yet gently) for that and so that just adds on to the pile of self loathing. I do not like myself in this state. But, God is so here! I have choices and this is what makes this different from times before. Yes, I went there at times, but I've also decided not to stay there.I've prayed the Serenity Prayer more times today and yesterday than I can count. It's been so helpful.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change I can't change that my son is sick. I can't change that I'm at home bored. I can't change being a single parent doing this alone. I can't change my brain make-up.
The courage to change the things I can My lesson plans were horrid. So, I can go to work and make up new ones and over prepare. I can communicate better and ask for feedback without slipping into defensive excuse making mode. I can apologize and improve. I can take this time and dedicate it to God.
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time...
One moment at a time...
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.. While I feel like my life right now is chaotic, I know that this isn't going to last forever. Besides, it's not about me. In the big span of things, this is just a day... a blip and things will return to normal. It may be Wednesday, it may not be until the weekend but this too will pass until the next crisis:)
Taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it is; not as I would have it. My choice: Back to my own schedule and routine where I know what's coming next.
Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your Will. Joshua WILL get better. I simply need to ask God what He wants me to learn from this experience.
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life He is a cute sick little boy... Actually he's on his best behavior when he's ill. His brain power is spent healing, not thinking up evil plots to kill me before I'm 35... or to die before his 6th birthday...
And supremely happy with You forever in the next...
So glad that I have the tools now to move forward and not backward:) While I feel that this was a silly, pitiful post, I do feel better.

Mommy's Bragging Rights

I love my son and our growth together. I can't believe that over 2 years ago I took in this hurting, traumatized child who didn't have any discipline without full knowledge of what I was getting into. We have had so many temper tantrums that I have lost count. There have been times when I had to walk away from my son's room with him screaming inside while repeating the words, "I love my son, I chose my son..." etc. These have become less and less frequent as he has become stronger and stronger. He is so smart. While I've always known this it is nice to have the documentation to back it up. His IQ score? 122 although I think that's a little low. He was also tested for school readiness and tested out at the ninth month of kindergarten. It's amazing! He's actually making it through school with fewer problems than ever before. It's not perfect though.My son stole from his school. He then lied about it. I know this doesn't sound like a good story right now... He's only stolen once before and I gave him the same consequence. Today, he had a horrible day at school. While I don't know all of the details, I do know that it was really bad. Later we had therapy and he talked about how wrong stealing was. When we got in the car, we talked about it like we always did and usually he talks about the consequences that he's received. It's always external. But today, as we were processing, he said that he was mad at himself for making a bad decision. This is the first time that he's said this. Talk about relief! It was such a great conversation and one that I've been waiting for. That internal conscience! God is good. In other news, we have our home study on Monday. YAY GOD!:)

You'll be hearing from my lawyer!

OK... not really. Heck, I actually need to call my lawyer... So, I'm going through with the adoption. I'm really excited and scared. I know it sounds sort of stupid but adoption makes everything so... real. I know he's my son and all. No doubt about it. But adoption means that there really is no turning back. I'm ready for that change but it doesn't make it any less scary. God has definitely put me here "for such a time as this". I look back at this journey and I can't believe all of the wonderful things that God has done in the past almost 5 years of my life. I was talking to a friend of mine and this is what I wrote:

Thank you for your prayers, I'll continue to need them:) Yes, God did know. Who knew that almost 5 years ago when I threw a baby shower for [his biological mother] that it would be for my own son? Or when she called me to ask if she should let him be adopted by the people in California that it would be because God had ordained it for me to raise him and not the other family? Sometimes I look back at all of the complaining I did and my "plan" for my life and laugh. Technically, God answered my prayer. I said that I wanted to start having children around 27 or 28. Technically, I did. I just didn't have to carry him or birth him myself. I still want biological children and a husband, but seeing how God has worked has really given me perspective. I don't worry about those things or nag about them because if God can do something like this, who knows what other things he has for me? In the words of the story that Woody likes to tell, I know that God is fond of me.

I often have to remind myself of God insights like this when he's screaming like a wild child because he didn't get his way. Like last week: He was upset because he lied even though I warned him that if he lied to me that he would go to bed. He of course lied and I sent him to bed. So, the tantrum began. 20 minutes later, I go up and remind him that his tantrum does no good, and that he's just wasting his time. I close the door and go downstairs. A minute later, he stops screaming that he wants to get up and take a bath and is now screaming, "I WANT MY TIME BACK!!!!" I don't know where he got that from... he's so dramatic!;)



I can't believe he'll be 5 in a little over a month. FIVE!!! Seriously? Next year, he'll start Kindergarten (I'm already praying for his poor teacher) and it'll be all over. Where did the time go? Yesterday, we played football (OK... I just tackled him over and over) and it was such a sweet time of memories. He's such a funny character although just between you and me... a little weird as well... OK quirky. He's like an 80 year old man in a 4 year old's body. He makes sure that no one will forget him and couldn't be a wall flower if he wanted to... no matter how pale he is... He'll find a way to upstage anyone with his bobbing eyebrows and break dancing. Anyway, I could brag about him all day or night:) Here's a picture from a friend's wedding. I don't know what he's doing, but at least I look good;)

Insecurity

Friday my school took a field trip to Monticello and Montpelier for Constitution day. It was a great day and the kids did a terrific job. I was so proud of how they listened and behaved even though it was hot and not everything was a blast. The kids were great... unfortunately, one of my coworkers sent me back into de ja vu. Those of you who know me know my struggles with insecurity especially insecurity that comes from social relationships. Between my ADD and my social history growing up with being picked on a bullied, this has really been a challenge coming to terms and accepting that I'm important and valued. This is not new. Many people have struggled like I have. It's probably one of the only things that everyone has in common... feeling that they matter and are valued... but I digress.

I have a coworker who is one of those extra care required people. You know the ones I'm talking about... they're constantly negative with nothing good to say. You see them coming and you look for the closest exit? Yes, I can see you saying their names right now. Well, I have one of those at my job. I like this person and all as I work with her daily, and yet, she's a really negative person. Lately, she's taken a bit of a turn and her negativity is not just centered at herself, she's negatively attacking me. She called me out in front of the students and basically said that I was incompetent when it came to classroom management. Unfortunately, the whole school was listening as well as some parents as it was on a field trip. The whole trip was like that except there were some times when she would joke and act like all was fine and dandy then the next minute, another insult. I completely felt like I was back in middle school! It was so horrible and no one spoke up... including me. I didn't know what to do. I finished the trip and left early due to a massive headache caused by the fact that I hadn't had my coffee or any caffeine that day. But, the Holy Spirit kept telling me that I needed to confront her about her behaviors. We (the HS and I) battled for most of the day. But, in the end, I emailed her. When I finished reading it over for the umpteenth time, I sent it off. I know it's not going to be pretty, but one thing that I learned in CR is that my codependent habit of trying to keep the peace doesn't work. Stuffing my anger doesn't work. So, I let it out and even though I'm scared out of my gourd because I know that there is going to be some push back, I'm proud of myself for standing up to a bully. I think it's a shame I have to do that as an adult and quite frankly, I often wonder WHY I'm special enough to get to experience this social pleasure. I swear I have a sign on me somewhere that says "pick me! pick me!"... OK... I know that's not true;) but that's how it feels. A complete flashback to childhood... *sigh* it's a good thing I'm in CR.

Vacation, vacation, vacation

I don't know about you, but I love vacations. They are so relaxing and with the right one, you don't have to cook or clean! I went with my mother, sister, cousin, and bro-in law on a cruise to Bermuda. It was so much fun!
And yet, I get so intimidated around them. For one thing, it's back to talking over everyone and being judgmental. No lie-- we walked out of a restaurant on a ship because my sister was having a conniption over a little boy drinking coffee. Now, I'm not saying that's right... I mean who thinks that giving an 8 year old coffee is a great idea? But on the flip side, we give them soda and tea with caffeine. Culturally, other countries are no different. Also, the kid was on vacation! Everyone knows that a vacation is a time where we all eat like we don't normally do so, and drink things that we normally don't drink, and never sleep. There were kids everywhere who stayed up all hours of the night because they were on VACATION. And yet, my family-- as much as I love them talked and judged the whole time. But, that's my family. It's what they do and it puts me in such a foul mood sometimes. It was nice to get away, but I didn't want to hear about them judging others over and over again over their vacation life. I finally stood up for some of the parents pointing out that on vacation, the rules are different. It may not be how we raise our kids, but that's the point. They sort of cooled down a little after that, but not by much.
Also, all of them think that they know more than I do which is absolutely annoying. I know I'm no Einstein, but give me a little credit. My bro-in-law actually told me to my face that he's smarter (how humble, right) not knowing that this was one of the worse things he could have said to a person who's struggled her whole life. But this is how it is with my family. This didn't encompass the whole vacation and only accounted for about 10% of it, so don't get me wrong. I'm actually more mad at myself because during this whole thing, I lost sight of who I was and allowed myself to be pulled in. This type of behavior could have cost me my sobriety (although I didn't let it). We didn't talk about God except in cases of judging others and I did nothing to change the conversation except for that one time. The funny thing is that before I left there was a church bulletin that is a pretty popular bulletin for summer which says, "God doesn't take a vacation from you." I laughed until this week because now, I'm not in a good place because I forgot who I was. God doesn't take a vacation from me but I didn't quite take Him with me on vacation. I'm glad to be back home. While vacation is fun, so is being supported and surrounded by people who love me and want to lift me and others up. I'm very thankful for them and for their constant pushing me towards God. I'm excited about the presence of God in my life and am thankful for the chance to come back with new energy towards pursuing Him.

Let th countdown begin

So, in less than a week, I'll be on my way to the bahamas... or bermuda... I still can't remember which one... Just looked at the ticket... It's Bermuda. ANYWAY, I'm overwhelmed about all of the things I need to get done. Packing, cleaning (because my mother taught me to never leave for a trip without a clean house), then more cleaning, printing out information, having nightmares of forgetting something, you know... the usual. Meanwhile, I want this to be a great week for me and my son although it's not exactly working that way. I think we're both overwhelmed and anxious. Him because I'll be gone for a week, me because I'll be gone for a week and I have several lists that I have to complete before leaving. I'm really looking forward to quality adult/no kids time although I know between me and Tamara, we'll probably talk about the kids the whole time. Looking forward to sleeping in without bright blue eyes scaring me awake while holding his crotch telling me that he has to pee... or telling me how beautiful I am just so that he won't get in trouble... Yep... gonna miss him...

This is going to be quite a week. Hopefully Joshua and I will be able to calm ourselves down long enough to enjoy each other while having free or inexpensive fun. We'll see, right?