Mommy's Bragging Rights

I love my son and our growth together. I can't believe that over 2 years ago I took in this hurting, traumatized child who didn't have any discipline without full knowledge of what I was getting into. We have had so many temper tantrums that I have lost count. There have been times when I had to walk away from my son's room with him screaming inside while repeating the words, "I love my son, I chose my son..." etc. These have become less and less frequent as he has become stronger and stronger. He is so smart. While I've always known this it is nice to have the documentation to back it up. His IQ score? 122 although I think that's a little low. He was also tested for school readiness and tested out at the ninth month of kindergarten. It's amazing! He's actually making it through school with fewer problems than ever before. It's not perfect though.My son stole from his school. He then lied about it. I know this doesn't sound like a good story right now... He's only stolen once before and I gave him the same consequence. Today, he had a horrible day at school. While I don't know all of the details, I do know that it was really bad. Later we had therapy and he talked about how wrong stealing was. When we got in the car, we talked about it like we always did and usually he talks about the consequences that he's received. It's always external. But today, as we were processing, he said that he was mad at himself for making a bad decision. This is the first time that he's said this. Talk about relief! It was such a great conversation and one that I've been waiting for. That internal conscience! God is good. In other news, we have our home study on Monday. YAY GOD!:)

You'll be hearing from my lawyer!

OK... not really. Heck, I actually need to call my lawyer... So, I'm going through with the adoption. I'm really excited and scared. I know it sounds sort of stupid but adoption makes everything so... real. I know he's my son and all. No doubt about it. But adoption means that there really is no turning back. I'm ready for that change but it doesn't make it any less scary. God has definitely put me here "for such a time as this". I look back at this journey and I can't believe all of the wonderful things that God has done in the past almost 5 years of my life. I was talking to a friend of mine and this is what I wrote:

Thank you for your prayers, I'll continue to need them:) Yes, God did know. Who knew that almost 5 years ago when I threw a baby shower for [his biological mother] that it would be for my own son? Or when she called me to ask if she should let him be adopted by the people in California that it would be because God had ordained it for me to raise him and not the other family? Sometimes I look back at all of the complaining I did and my "plan" for my life and laugh. Technically, God answered my prayer. I said that I wanted to start having children around 27 or 28. Technically, I did. I just didn't have to carry him or birth him myself. I still want biological children and a husband, but seeing how God has worked has really given me perspective. I don't worry about those things or nag about them because if God can do something like this, who knows what other things he has for me? In the words of the story that Woody likes to tell, I know that God is fond of me.

I often have to remind myself of God insights like this when he's screaming like a wild child because he didn't get his way. Like last week: He was upset because he lied even though I warned him that if he lied to me that he would go to bed. He of course lied and I sent him to bed. So, the tantrum began. 20 minutes later, I go up and remind him that his tantrum does no good, and that he's just wasting his time. I close the door and go downstairs. A minute later, he stops screaming that he wants to get up and take a bath and is now screaming, "I WANT MY TIME BACK!!!!" I don't know where he got that from... he's so dramatic!;)



I can't believe he'll be 5 in a little over a month. FIVE!!! Seriously? Next year, he'll start Kindergarten (I'm already praying for his poor teacher) and it'll be all over. Where did the time go? Yesterday, we played football (OK... I just tackled him over and over) and it was such a sweet time of memories. He's such a funny character although just between you and me... a little weird as well... OK quirky. He's like an 80 year old man in a 4 year old's body. He makes sure that no one will forget him and couldn't be a wall flower if he wanted to... no matter how pale he is... He'll find a way to upstage anyone with his bobbing eyebrows and break dancing. Anyway, I could brag about him all day or night:) Here's a picture from a friend's wedding. I don't know what he's doing, but at least I look good;)

Insecurity

Friday my school took a field trip to Monticello and Montpelier for Constitution day. It was a great day and the kids did a terrific job. I was so proud of how they listened and behaved even though it was hot and not everything was a blast. The kids were great... unfortunately, one of my coworkers sent me back into de ja vu. Those of you who know me know my struggles with insecurity especially insecurity that comes from social relationships. Between my ADD and my social history growing up with being picked on a bullied, this has really been a challenge coming to terms and accepting that I'm important and valued. This is not new. Many people have struggled like I have. It's probably one of the only things that everyone has in common... feeling that they matter and are valued... but I digress.

I have a coworker who is one of those extra care required people. You know the ones I'm talking about... they're constantly negative with nothing good to say. You see them coming and you look for the closest exit? Yes, I can see you saying their names right now. Well, I have one of those at my job. I like this person and all as I work with her daily, and yet, she's a really negative person. Lately, she's taken a bit of a turn and her negativity is not just centered at herself, she's negatively attacking me. She called me out in front of the students and basically said that I was incompetent when it came to classroom management. Unfortunately, the whole school was listening as well as some parents as it was on a field trip. The whole trip was like that except there were some times when she would joke and act like all was fine and dandy then the next minute, another insult. I completely felt like I was back in middle school! It was so horrible and no one spoke up... including me. I didn't know what to do. I finished the trip and left early due to a massive headache caused by the fact that I hadn't had my coffee or any caffeine that day. But, the Holy Spirit kept telling me that I needed to confront her about her behaviors. We (the HS and I) battled for most of the day. But, in the end, I emailed her. When I finished reading it over for the umpteenth time, I sent it off. I know it's not going to be pretty, but one thing that I learned in CR is that my codependent habit of trying to keep the peace doesn't work. Stuffing my anger doesn't work. So, I let it out and even though I'm scared out of my gourd because I know that there is going to be some push back, I'm proud of myself for standing up to a bully. I think it's a shame I have to do that as an adult and quite frankly, I often wonder WHY I'm special enough to get to experience this social pleasure. I swear I have a sign on me somewhere that says "pick me! pick me!"... OK... I know that's not true;) but that's how it feels. A complete flashback to childhood... *sigh* it's a good thing I'm in CR.

Vacation, vacation, vacation

I don't know about you, but I love vacations. They are so relaxing and with the right one, you don't have to cook or clean! I went with my mother, sister, cousin, and bro-in law on a cruise to Bermuda. It was so much fun!
And yet, I get so intimidated around them. For one thing, it's back to talking over everyone and being judgmental. No lie-- we walked out of a restaurant on a ship because my sister was having a conniption over a little boy drinking coffee. Now, I'm not saying that's right... I mean who thinks that giving an 8 year old coffee is a great idea? But on the flip side, we give them soda and tea with caffeine. Culturally, other countries are no different. Also, the kid was on vacation! Everyone knows that a vacation is a time where we all eat like we don't normally do so, and drink things that we normally don't drink, and never sleep. There were kids everywhere who stayed up all hours of the night because they were on VACATION. And yet, my family-- as much as I love them talked and judged the whole time. But, that's my family. It's what they do and it puts me in such a foul mood sometimes. It was nice to get away, but I didn't want to hear about them judging others over and over again over their vacation life. I finally stood up for some of the parents pointing out that on vacation, the rules are different. It may not be how we raise our kids, but that's the point. They sort of cooled down a little after that, but not by much.
Also, all of them think that they know more than I do which is absolutely annoying. I know I'm no Einstein, but give me a little credit. My bro-in-law actually told me to my face that he's smarter (how humble, right) not knowing that this was one of the worse things he could have said to a person who's struggled her whole life. But this is how it is with my family. This didn't encompass the whole vacation and only accounted for about 10% of it, so don't get me wrong. I'm actually more mad at myself because during this whole thing, I lost sight of who I was and allowed myself to be pulled in. This type of behavior could have cost me my sobriety (although I didn't let it). We didn't talk about God except in cases of judging others and I did nothing to change the conversation except for that one time. The funny thing is that before I left there was a church bulletin that is a pretty popular bulletin for summer which says, "God doesn't take a vacation from you." I laughed until this week because now, I'm not in a good place because I forgot who I was. God doesn't take a vacation from me but I didn't quite take Him with me on vacation. I'm glad to be back home. While vacation is fun, so is being supported and surrounded by people who love me and want to lift me and others up. I'm very thankful for them and for their constant pushing me towards God. I'm excited about the presence of God in my life and am thankful for the chance to come back with new energy towards pursuing Him.

Let th countdown begin

So, in less than a week, I'll be on my way to the bahamas... or bermuda... I still can't remember which one... Just looked at the ticket... It's Bermuda. ANYWAY, I'm overwhelmed about all of the things I need to get done. Packing, cleaning (because my mother taught me to never leave for a trip without a clean house), then more cleaning, printing out information, having nightmares of forgetting something, you know... the usual. Meanwhile, I want this to be a great week for me and my son although it's not exactly working that way. I think we're both overwhelmed and anxious. Him because I'll be gone for a week, me because I'll be gone for a week and I have several lists that I have to complete before leaving. I'm really looking forward to quality adult/no kids time although I know between me and Tamara, we'll probably talk about the kids the whole time. Looking forward to sleeping in without bright blue eyes scaring me awake while holding his crotch telling me that he has to pee... or telling me how beautiful I am just so that he won't get in trouble... Yep... gonna miss him...

This is going to be quite a week. Hopefully Joshua and I will be able to calm ourselves down long enough to enjoy each other while having free or inexpensive fun. We'll see, right?

Joy and Pain

Today was a pretty decent day. I was able to finish all of the paperwork at school and met with my team to discuss the students. Our students made wonderful progress and I was really proud. There is one more day left of my official school week and that's tomorrow. Then... SUMMER BREAK!!!!! YAY! One of the parents and members of the board had us over for lunch and boy was it yummy. They live in a beautiful house which is oh about 3 times the size of mine including my attic. The lunch was catered and there was a harpist playing music the whole time. It was awesome. Right before eating, the father got up and spoke about how much impact we had as educators and how much his children enjoy our school. We were already teary-eyed as he tried to hold his own tears back about the work that we do. But, then, he told us that his family was gifting all 21 teachers $500.00 each! Then we all started crying. I love generous people. The great thing is that just that morning, I was talking to God about my finances and asking for financial protection so that I can diligently be obedient this summer. This was His response. I love how He responds! Jehovah-jireh strikes again! Needless to say, we were all overwhelmed at their generosity on top of the meal and it was such a sweet time of visiting and talking with each other. It was hard to return to work after that, but somehow we managed. I left at four to pick up my wonderful son. This is where the pain occurs...

I love my son. I can't tell you how much he brings joy into my life. He's such a wonderful boy and despite his traumatic start in life, he's come a long way. As you know if you follow my blog, we've had a difficult time with child care. He has a lot of needs. I was hoping/praying that we would find a good fit for him at his current provider. It was the perfect situation. He's with one other kid and so he gets one on one attention. She has a foster daughter so she understands children with traumatic pasts.

Today, he had a few rough spots. He didn't take a nap; which is nothing new, but when he didn't listen, his babysitter cut off the TV. At that time, he threw a tantrum. Apparently, it was a doozie. When I walked in the door, the first words out of his mouth were, "I cried because I missed you." Before you say, "awwww", this was not the truth. He cried because he didn't get what he wanted. But, being my little politician, he knew that sounded better... (how smart is he?) Anyway, after the whole story came out and we were saying our goodbyes, she said, "Good luck. Let me know how it goes with him. You definitely have your hands full." Not remarkable... Here's what she didn't say: She didn't say that she's going to miss him. She didn't comment on what a good boy he is or how even though he had rough spots, he was a good listener. She didn't say that he's a lovely boy or that she loves his personality. Before I say anymore, I want to say that he's done well with her overall. He's a few tantrums there, but they were not as often as at his last preschool. He adjusted to the lack of strict structure that he would have had in a preschool program. He's a lot of work, and while I think she feels for him and maybe even feel some love for him, it's sort of like, "I see his value, but I'm not going to miss him or invite him to come back." She didn't like my son. This is so heart breaking to me. This is also familiar. This is the third caretaker who doesn't like my son. The third who doesn't appreciate the person he could be and look past the trauma and see the boy. I'm very aware of his issues, believe me; but it still surprises me. Before I go on, I would like to say that I am thankful for the work she has done with him. She's been a great babysitter and I definitely liked many of the things that she was able to do with him.

This is a very discouraging dilemma. How many people do I have to encounter until I find one that is willing to show my son compassion? How many caretakers until I find one who looks past the behaviors and sees the scared little boy? How many tears do I have to cry for him; how many prayers do I have to pray to find the right place for him? My son is so smart. He is so loving. He is so attentive. He recognizes when he's being defensive. He talks about how blow fish put their spikes out when they're scared. He makes the connection between his behavior and them or frogs or skunks and their defense mechanisms at age four! This is more than some adults I know. And yet, outside of myself and very few others, there is no compassion for him. I'm starting to become discouraged. Is there a program/person who loves kids despite their issues? All I need is one. Just ONE! I started out with a woman who had 3 other kids. That didn't work. Then, a friend stepped in and that did work, but it was temporary. (Plus she smoked...) Then, over the summer, one of my other friends watched him and that went well for him at least. But she had to go back to work. Then, I tried a Christian daycare thinking, they should be a good fit, right? Wrong. They couldn't handle his unique issues either. Now we have this person. What is a mother to do?

Now, I know that it is not a hopeless situation even though for me right now, it really does feel that way. God has already worked everything out. Public preschool is not going to be the answer this year. He didn't get in. But, I know Whom I serve and He's going to provide again. How this happens? I don't know. When this happens? Hopefully before school starts back for me in August. I trust Him completely. When I find that person/program, I'm going to jump for joy. The one thing that this has done for me is allowed me to have more compassion for my students who are like a blow fish. We have 4 of them. Because of my son, I was able to see past the behaviors and see the hurt boys. I was able to be calm and regulated because I remembered my son. This wasn't always the case, but God has been working with me on this and He is showing me what true compassion looks like. My son is a GREAT kid. He deserves to be loved and liked whether he's being a pain in the butt or not. Same with my students. God is using this to teach me and while it's a painful lesson, it's one that I'm not going to soon forget.

Experiments

My son has been diagnosed with PTSD and attachment disorder. Basically, this means that he has triggers that he reacts to that seem to set him off and he is not in his right mind. He does crazy things like throw amazing temper tantrums, whine, run away, etc. This hardly ever happens when I'm around, but when I'm not there, these things occur often. (some more often than others). I've been taking him to therapy for about a year now and it has helped him tremendously. He's a much calmer kid and at least around me he's one of the most well behaved kids I know. Unfortunately, everyday that I'm at work, I worry about what he's up to. Is he having a tantrum? Is he listening to the babysitter? When I go to pick him up, I get a knot of anxiety in my stomach about his day. Usually it starts out with... "Joshua didn't take a nap. He then..." fell of the couch, threw a fit, hit a kid, told the babysitter he wasn't going to listen, feigned illness, picked leaves off a plant... all of these things have happened. Along with this diagnosis is a child choosing to poop and pee on themselves. Today, he chose to pee on himself. When asked why, his response: "I was doing an experiment." On the one hand, I'm sure that makes you laugh. You have to admit, that's pretty darned cleaver for a 4 year old. Not so funny if you're the sitter and sitting right there and he announces that he's wet himself. He had an accident this morning while he was sleeping and I didn't make a big deal out of it so he decided he was going to do it again to get a bigger reaction. I swear sometimes, I wish I was in his brain and knew why he does this. How bizarre. We're supposed to go to the zoo and I wasn't going to take him after this incident; but God and I started talking and He said to take him anyway. The thing is, I'm not worried about him on the trip. He's going to do well and be his charming self because again, I'm there! But I can't be there all the time. I wish I had a magic wand that could solve this problem. I've tried behavioral charts, food, privileges, motivation, spanking... you name it, I've done it. And yet, when he's feeling upset and anxious, these bizarre behaviors return.

The babysitter pointed out that these sets of behaviors started happening on Tuesday... this is the day after we went to visit his half brother. He does have to adjust to the fact that his brother has been adopted. I think that he struggles with that. But, both of us mothers feel it's important for them to know that they are family and connected. There's nothing worse than not being able to fill in the pieces. I wish that he was healed enough that this wouldn't be such an issue. It makes me sad and at times, a little resigned. An experiment... geez kid. I don't think that your hypothesis was correct. The results weren't what you expected either.