Monday, April 26, 2010
Quote of the week
This morning, we were walking to his babysitter's and he said, "Even though you're not as skinny as me, you're still pretty skinny. *sigh* I love him;)
Friday, April 23, 2010
Hrumph
I have been so grumpy lately. It's all I can do to not bite my son's head off... It's times like this that I feel like a bad mother:( It seems at times all I do is say, "don't do that." or "don't do this" or "no" *sigh*. I'm hoping it's just a "phase" (ahem).
Today, I went to schedule him for pre-k and I can already tell that it's going to be quite an ordeal. There are already 38 kids signed up for a class of 16 which means that half of them will not make it. Meanwhile, I was told that the registration was from 9-4 and when I got there, the woman told me it closed at 2:30. So, now I have to go back on Tuesday at 1:30 for an interview. I'm hoping that he gets in because: 1: He needs the exposure of other kids and 2: I can't afford full time daycare. I did find out that we are in the Thomas Jefferson school zone which is sort of a bummer because New London is a much smaller school. But, I'm not going to worry about that now because that's at least a year away. So, my summer is going to be spent researching SPED law to pretty much assure that he gets into pre-k even though he is not at risk behaviorally and working on other Joshua related things. It's going to be an adventurous summer!
Today, I went to schedule him for pre-k and I can already tell that it's going to be quite an ordeal. There are already 38 kids signed up for a class of 16 which means that half of them will not make it. Meanwhile, I was told that the registration was from 9-4 and when I got there, the woman told me it closed at 2:30. So, now I have to go back on Tuesday at 1:30 for an interview. I'm hoping that he gets in because: 1: He needs the exposure of other kids and 2: I can't afford full time daycare. I did find out that we are in the Thomas Jefferson school zone which is sort of a bummer because New London is a much smaller school. But, I'm not going to worry about that now because that's at least a year away. So, my summer is going to be spent researching SPED law to pretty much assure that he gets into pre-k even though he is not at risk behaviorally and working on other Joshua related things. It's going to be an adventurous summer!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Say What?
So, a couple of years ago, I started attending CR. I did it due to my struggle with pornography. While I wouldn't say I was addicted, I would say that it was not good. We all struggle with sin and this was my major one. I just couldn't seem to break free from it! It was embarrassing, and I was very ashamed. But, God intervened and I decided to be obedient. I began attending a step study and missed maybe 1 or 2 weeks. It completely changed my life. Gone was the urge to want to delve into this dark place of anonymously doing what I knew was wrong. Gone was the time wasted on this horrible habit. Gone is the struggle between wanting God's blessing and not being able to grab hold of His promise of John 10:10. Words cannot express the freedom I feel in my life. I've been clean from this habit for over a year and I am not looking back. I started to take hold of the first principle: Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable and Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that ourlives had become unmanageable. This was so a picture of my life!
I am so indebted to CR, Blue Ridge, Debbie and my step study group for their obedience and willingness to allow others to say "I am FREE!" I started going on Sundays and was quickly ushered into leading a group for the younger women. My co-leader and I had 4 consistent girls and 4 non-consistent ones. Of those, only 1 or two are still following God passionately. It was very frustrating to me because while I was ever moving towards God, I struggled with anger because my co-leader was stuck and not moving forward. In turn, many of the group members were stuck and not moving forward. Even though I enjoyed seeing change and growth when it happened, it wasn't consistent and it wasn't something that produced life change for the members in the group. I began to feel disheartened and discourage and started to battle against feeling bitter about the fact that CR happened on a Sunday during football season. I should say that it wasn't the football that I cared about (at least not to the point of feeling bitter). It was the fact that my closest friends hung out every Sunday as a community. I missed that closeness with them and the memories made there. I missed out on forming relationships with them and getting support from them because of that. But, I also think that God had me there for a reason and looking back, I'm not upset or bitter. I was being obedient.
At the beginning of this year, I was overwhelmed with Joshua's constant tantrums and never napping. He was about to be kicked out of another daycare and I was frustrated. To top it off, I didn't have a rest or Sabbath day because my weekends were filled with social obligations and on Sunday, CR. I prayed to God as well as listened and we decided that I needed to take a break. This wasn't working and it wasn't something I was passionate about. So, I stepped down from leading that group. The group actually disbanded because it wasn't healthy. My co-leader continued to participate in a group and the ones who were serious about God remained serious and are thriving.
My absence did not go unnoticed and I started getting the "we miss you, now don't you feel bad about missing CR"? looks. Because of my time there, I've worked on my co-dependent issues and so these didn't phase me. I was being obedient and God was blessing me for it. I felt rested on Monday mornings, Joshua and I were able to bond over the weekends and I was able to connect in a more real way with new friends. I also was able to start attending TruthWorks on Tuesdays and as we studied the book of Nehemiah, I was again reminded how much I love studying scripture with other people. This SO fills my tank! Exchanging ideas and insights over God's Word... leaves me speechless! God allowed it so that I didn't miss a single one and made new acquaintances. Not only that,but every week, I was able to point something that we learned back to CR and the steps! So, new people were learning about CR and how it's impacted not just addicts, but to everyday people. It was amazing!
Meanwhile, I'm still struggling on where God wants me. Does He want me to return to leadership? Does He want me to serve? Does He want me to work with the teens or children? But God just said, "Be patient." So, I am:) Then, last week, Debbie called and asked if I wanted to go to the Summit which is the big conference for CR to look at the new material for the teens. I was not happy that she asked me because I didn't know her motive. So, I prayed and asked God for guidance. He gave me questions to ask and after being disobedient by deciding to put it off until after I finished watching my show on TV, I called her. We talked and as we talked, I prayed. I was clear that I didn't know what my purpose was to be in CR and that God may be taking me out of it altogether! At the end, she said that regardless, she still wanted me to go even if it was just a confirmation that God has something different. So, I'm going back to Cali and am excited. Hopefully, it will help to provide insight into where God really wants me in the ministry and if He wants me there at all.
The other day, I was asking God to reveal what He truly wants me to do and where to serve. Is it leadership here or in something else? Does He want me to step out of leadership and just do lighting or is there more? I was talking to a dear friend and I was telling her about my leadership experiences and mentioned that I didn't like how stagnate some of my groups were. I also talked about how God has been moving in my life and placing people in my path to counsel and listen to. How He gave me words and themes to tell them and how cool that was. I talked about how God gives me Scripture for them, etc. She looks at me and she basically says that maybe my gift isn't leadership because leaders are more concerned about the people moving towards God and have a burden and passion for those who are stagnate. She then said that maybe my spiritual gift was closer to prophecy. So, I took an inventory of my last couple of weeks as well as my last few years. I looked at how God talks to me and does in fact give me the words to say, how I can find a biblical application for someone who is going through a particular situation and how my heartbeat quickens when things like this happen and the pieces really started to fall into place. Over 5 years ago, a man stopped mid-step during a Catalyst conference and basically said that God told him to tell me that I was going to use my gift of prophecy for Him. It seems that it was not just a random occurrence. God is birthing that in me and I am excited about what He wants me to do. While I still don't know what the big picture is, I do know that God is revealing it in His own time, at His own pace. I am excited and can't wait to see where He takes me next!
I am so indebted to CR, Blue Ridge, Debbie and my step study group for their obedience and willingness to allow others to say "I am FREE!" I started going on Sundays and was quickly ushered into leading a group for the younger women. My co-leader and I had 4 consistent girls and 4 non-consistent ones. Of those, only 1 or two are still following God passionately. It was very frustrating to me because while I was ever moving towards God, I struggled with anger because my co-leader was stuck and not moving forward. In turn, many of the group members were stuck and not moving forward. Even though I enjoyed seeing change and growth when it happened, it wasn't consistent and it wasn't something that produced life change for the members in the group. I began to feel disheartened and discourage and started to battle against feeling bitter about the fact that CR happened on a Sunday during football season. I should say that it wasn't the football that I cared about (at least not to the point of feeling bitter). It was the fact that my closest friends hung out every Sunday as a community. I missed that closeness with them and the memories made there. I missed out on forming relationships with them and getting support from them because of that. But, I also think that God had me there for a reason and looking back, I'm not upset or bitter. I was being obedient.
At the beginning of this year, I was overwhelmed with Joshua's constant tantrums and never napping. He was about to be kicked out of another daycare and I was frustrated. To top it off, I didn't have a rest or Sabbath day because my weekends were filled with social obligations and on Sunday, CR. I prayed to God as well as listened and we decided that I needed to take a break. This wasn't working and it wasn't something I was passionate about. So, I stepped down from leading that group. The group actually disbanded because it wasn't healthy. My co-leader continued to participate in a group and the ones who were serious about God remained serious and are thriving.
My absence did not go unnoticed and I started getting the "we miss you, now don't you feel bad about missing CR"? looks. Because of my time there, I've worked on my co-dependent issues and so these didn't phase me. I was being obedient and God was blessing me for it. I felt rested on Monday mornings, Joshua and I were able to bond over the weekends and I was able to connect in a more real way with new friends. I also was able to start attending TruthWorks on Tuesdays and as we studied the book of Nehemiah, I was again reminded how much I love studying scripture with other people. This SO fills my tank! Exchanging ideas and insights over God's Word... leaves me speechless! God allowed it so that I didn't miss a single one and made new acquaintances. Not only that,but every week, I was able to point something that we learned back to CR and the steps! So, new people were learning about CR and how it's impacted not just addicts, but to everyday people. It was amazing!
Meanwhile, I'm still struggling on where God wants me. Does He want me to return to leadership? Does He want me to serve? Does He want me to work with the teens or children? But God just said, "Be patient." So, I am:) Then, last week, Debbie called and asked if I wanted to go to the Summit which is the big conference for CR to look at the new material for the teens. I was not happy that she asked me because I didn't know her motive. So, I prayed and asked God for guidance. He gave me questions to ask and after being disobedient by deciding to put it off until after I finished watching my show on TV, I called her. We talked and as we talked, I prayed. I was clear that I didn't know what my purpose was to be in CR and that God may be taking me out of it altogether! At the end, she said that regardless, she still wanted me to go even if it was just a confirmation that God has something different. So, I'm going back to Cali and am excited. Hopefully, it will help to provide insight into where God really wants me in the ministry and if He wants me there at all.
The other day, I was asking God to reveal what He truly wants me to do and where to serve. Is it leadership here or in something else? Does He want me to step out of leadership and just do lighting or is there more? I was talking to a dear friend and I was telling her about my leadership experiences and mentioned that I didn't like how stagnate some of my groups were. I also talked about how God has been moving in my life and placing people in my path to counsel and listen to. How He gave me words and themes to tell them and how cool that was. I talked about how God gives me Scripture for them, etc. She looks at me and she basically says that maybe my gift isn't leadership because leaders are more concerned about the people moving towards God and have a burden and passion for those who are stagnate. She then said that maybe my spiritual gift was closer to prophecy. So, I took an inventory of my last couple of weeks as well as my last few years. I looked at how God talks to me and does in fact give me the words to say, how I can find a biblical application for someone who is going through a particular situation and how my heartbeat quickens when things like this happen and the pieces really started to fall into place. Over 5 years ago, a man stopped mid-step during a Catalyst conference and basically said that God told him to tell me that I was going to use my gift of prophecy for Him. It seems that it was not just a random occurrence. God is birthing that in me and I am excited about what He wants me to do. While I still don't know what the big picture is, I do know that God is revealing it in His own time, at His own pace. I am excited and can't wait to see where He takes me next!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Ramblings
This week has been pretty good. It's birthday week and I am loving it! While I didn't do anything too terribly exciting yesterday, it's been a busy week and am having friends over on Friday. SO EXCITED:) Tonight, Joshua and I went to 1st Wednesday and it was a sweet time although at times, I felt disconnected from God. I think that the biggest thing for me is that I'm not always listening to His promptings especially at work. God sets things up and then I ignore and don't listen. *sigh* I wonder if I'll ever catch onto that. Maybe one day...
Afterwords, a friend and I started talking about some of the struggles that she's been going through and everything pointed back to Celebrate Recovery. I was able to tell my own story of giving things up to God and realizing that I REALLY don't control anything. I was able to tell her about letting go of the bitterness and resentment that I held against my parents and being able to accept them for who they are with nothing in return and how freeing that has been and how that's changed our relationship. I love this God journey!
In other news, I have a friend from college who when he left decided that he was going to embrace the gay lifestyle and turn away from God. Today, he posted an interesting article about the perception of the gay lifestyle and how it has it's extremes just like everything else. One of my dear friends pointed out that the argument was one sided and how the perception is faulty. I followed up and said that it's not about being gay or straight, but about the identity. My heart truly hurts for him and for many of my gay friends because of their belief that God at this moment is asking them to choose to be "something that they're not." and how because of that, He doesn't love them and they don't love Him. It pains me that they choose to believe the lie. But, it's not just them. I think of my friends who sleep with each other and are involved in unhealthy relationships. Those who live lifestyles of futility and selfishness and the same pain abounds. I hate how Satan wants them to believe the lie and doubt truth simply because it doesn't fit their life style. Or that we can believe some parts of the Bible and not others because it's "judgmental". I was listening to a talk by Craig Groschel, who is the pastor of Life Church and he was talking about Practical Atheism. The idea or concept of "I believe in God but..."
I think the thing that God is pointing out to me is that there are so many hurting people there and how I need to constantly stand and listen to Him as He gives me direction. I don't take the opportunities to pray for my coworkers. I do give into the lie at work... and for what? For time? What else am I here for if not to Mark people's lives SO THAT they can come to know God like I know Him? How many of my friends are miserable because they are running from God like there's always tomorrow? Why don't I want people to experience abundant life like I know it now? What is my problem? I honestly think that God used my friend in order to remind me of that. I can write to him about it, but not to my co-workers whom I see every day. How interesting and ridiculous. I'm glad that God allowed me to see that tonight. I've got to move forward on that and stop being "polite" in that sense. I've got to move into action and not complacency. It's going to be hard, but I want to run the race without shackles.
Afterwords, a friend and I started talking about some of the struggles that she's been going through and everything pointed back to Celebrate Recovery. I was able to tell my own story of giving things up to God and realizing that I REALLY don't control anything. I was able to tell her about letting go of the bitterness and resentment that I held against my parents and being able to accept them for who they are with nothing in return and how freeing that has been and how that's changed our relationship. I love this God journey!
In other news, I have a friend from college who when he left decided that he was going to embrace the gay lifestyle and turn away from God. Today, he posted an interesting article about the perception of the gay lifestyle and how it has it's extremes just like everything else. One of my dear friends pointed out that the argument was one sided and how the perception is faulty. I followed up and said that it's not about being gay or straight, but about the identity. My heart truly hurts for him and for many of my gay friends because of their belief that God at this moment is asking them to choose to be "something that they're not." and how because of that, He doesn't love them and they don't love Him. It pains me that they choose to believe the lie. But, it's not just them. I think of my friends who sleep with each other and are involved in unhealthy relationships. Those who live lifestyles of futility and selfishness and the same pain abounds. I hate how Satan wants them to believe the lie and doubt truth simply because it doesn't fit their life style. Or that we can believe some parts of the Bible and not others because it's "judgmental". I was listening to a talk by Craig Groschel, who is the pastor of Life Church and he was talking about Practical Atheism. The idea or concept of "I believe in God but..."
I think the thing that God is pointing out to me is that there are so many hurting people there and how I need to constantly stand and listen to Him as He gives me direction. I don't take the opportunities to pray for my coworkers. I do give into the lie at work... and for what? For time? What else am I here for if not to Mark people's lives SO THAT they can come to know God like I know Him? How many of my friends are miserable because they are running from God like there's always tomorrow? Why don't I want people to experience abundant life like I know it now? What is my problem? I honestly think that God used my friend in order to remind me of that. I can write to him about it, but not to my co-workers whom I see every day. How interesting and ridiculous. I'm glad that God allowed me to see that tonight. I've got to move forward on that and stop being "polite" in that sense. I've got to move into action and not complacency. It's going to be hard, but I want to run the race without shackles.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Spring Break
I love Spring Break. AND it's Birthday Week:) Two of my favorite things together. Not having to work and my birthday. Could this week BE any cooler? And I get to spend it with my wonderful son who right now is downstairs being entertained by Elmo. I hear him laughing and it makes me laugh. I really am happy that we get this week to bond and connect in ways that I don't usually have the energy to do during the school day. Plus, I get to work on my school class which is also great. I hate this class. It's full of math, papers, and depending on people who don't know how to write:( But, Praise God this is the last week.
I've also started eharmony a couple of months ago. I figured that it's time I get out there. I've realized from my time in CR that the reason I haven't been dating is not because of them, it's been because of my crippling fear of rejection. I didn't realize how bad it was until after I completed my step study. My horrible feelings of "what if" have greatly hindered my dating life. But, I'm not going to allow that anymore. I have started talking to this guy but he lives in TN. He seems nice enough but eager and well, I don't do well with that. But, I'm going to try. Spiritually he seems pretty good, but only time will tell. I chose eharmony because I figured that this way I don't have to leave Joshua and can do it on my time without disrupting his life. It's definitely going to be tricky, but I think I'm ready to stop making excuses.
Joshua's therapist has been pushing me in the past few months to consider pushing Noelle to consider me adopting Joshua. She was sort of concerned when I said that I wasn't quite ready for that yet. But the truth is that to go through that process is emotionally draining, financially draining and time consuming. Not to mention that it makes things final. I know that seems silly, but I'm really scared of the word final. It's not that I'll never do it or even that it's not something that I want, but I am not ready to go that next step yet. Does that make me sound stupid or selfish? I don't quite know. But on the other hand, I know that it is something that I do want in the end, but I just don't know if now is the time to pursue that. I'll just keep trusting God with it all and see how it goes.
I've also started eharmony a couple of months ago. I figured that it's time I get out there. I've realized from my time in CR that the reason I haven't been dating is not because of them, it's been because of my crippling fear of rejection. I didn't realize how bad it was until after I completed my step study. My horrible feelings of "what if" have greatly hindered my dating life. But, I'm not going to allow that anymore. I have started talking to this guy but he lives in TN. He seems nice enough but eager and well, I don't do well with that. But, I'm going to try. Spiritually he seems pretty good, but only time will tell. I chose eharmony because I figured that this way I don't have to leave Joshua and can do it on my time without disrupting his life. It's definitely going to be tricky, but I think I'm ready to stop making excuses.
Joshua's therapist has been pushing me in the past few months to consider pushing Noelle to consider me adopting Joshua. She was sort of concerned when I said that I wasn't quite ready for that yet. But the truth is that to go through that process is emotionally draining, financially draining and time consuming. Not to mention that it makes things final. I know that seems silly, but I'm really scared of the word final. It's not that I'll never do it or even that it's not something that I want, but I am not ready to go that next step yet. Does that make me sound stupid or selfish? I don't quite know. But on the other hand, I know that it is something that I do want in the end, but I just don't know if now is the time to pursue that. I'll just keep trusting God with it all and see how it goes.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
HE IS RISEN
I love the fact that I follow a living God. Easter is one of my favorite times of year because we serve a living God. He's not dead. Happy Easter everyone! (anyone;) )
Friday, April 2, 2010
Long Time No See
So, it's been a really long time since I've written a blog. Quite honestly, I forgot that I owned one! LOL. Anyway, so much has happened that it's going to take more than one blog to get it all out. But, I will say that I've been REALLY BUSY. I mean, this parenting thing is NO joke, people! Joshua has so many issues and sometimes, they become really overwhelming. Did you know that unless someone goes through foster care, or is biologically connected to the child, there are zero services? No financial help at all! While I'm not looking for money because my Father owns it all, I think this is the biggest travesty in the world. I mean, I am saving the state thousands of dollars (I know because I just did my taxes;) and the child is one that I voluntarily took in, and really? No services?
I could honestly talk about the stupidity of that forever, but really, I want to talk about how this past year has gone in the quickest way possible. Joshua is the greatest kid ever! I mean seriously. He's completely house broken... er... potty trained, and so smart. Did you know that he's already adding? I'm so proud. My four year old is adding on his fingers! He knows all his letters and about 85% of his sounds. He's really quite amazing. He has the greatest smile and his laugh, oh it makes me melt inside. I'm in love with my four year old. *sigh* He talks a mile a minute but his speech is so clear. I look at the milestones and verbally, he is well above his age level and uses words like, "actually" and "immense". Gosh, he's so darned smart! He can tell the greatest stories and loves to use his imagination. He uses reasoning skills that some of my students even in late elementary school don't yet have a concept of. One day, I took him to work because he had some difficulties at school (more on that later), and he was sitting on the floor, and couldn't see what we were doing. But, we were teaching our students the "magic 9s" for multiplying using our fingers. We would say put the first finger down and that's nine times one. Then the second finger, and so on and so forth. We would watch the students as they struggled to grasp this concept. We were working on 9 times 4 and we asked what finger went down and the students kept saying, "The pointer finger!" This was incorrect because we've been telling them the second finger, third finger, etc. We keep saying, "No." and then from across the room, we hear, "THE FOURTH ONE!!!!" My son had caught onto this pattern before my students. And these were 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders. Have I said yet that I love this kid? Yes? Well, in case you missed it, he's quite amazing.
I love taking pictures of him because he's incredibly photogenic. He gets cuter with age. He's looking at the camera more and his smiles are more genuine. It's a wonderful thing.
But, it hasn't always been good. He throws horrible tantrums that can last for hours. There have been a couple of times where I seriously wanted to throw him out of the car or out of the house because it was driving me literally insane. As many four year olds are (especially only children), he's incredibly selfish. I am learning that this is a normal behavior and that I have to let it go and just continue to teach empathy and compassion. He's also sad much of the time because he misses his mama. She doesn't ever call him and has completely abandoned him. It makes me so sad and mad. NO kid should have to deal with that. He is so scared of her. When he sees her, he has accidents on himself. There are times when I wish I could read his mind so that I can see what he is thinking and remembering. He used to have nightmares every night about bugs. These were memories that were surfacing. These don't happen as often as they once were. While I'm relieved, I also know that they served a purpose. So, I'm sort of torn. But, I know that things come out in time. He's been kicked out of two day care centers because of his tantrums during nap time. Seriously, it would be fine if he didn't want to take a nap. But, he woke up all the kids and scared them with his daily (yes 2 hours a day) tantrums. Both places lasted 9 months. It was such a travesty because both places were great and he learned a lot both socially and academically. Now, he's with a single sitter who only cares for one other kid and then only 4 days a week. While he's doing better, he's still not napping (although we're working on it), and she doesn't really make his education a priority as far as just maintaining the skills he's already learned. I know that this is not a big deal. Really, I do; but being a student with LD and working with those students, I want him to have the most of an edge going in because I am pretty sure that his behavioral difficulties are not just going to stop. He's going to miss classes because of it especially in the beginning unless God intervenes in a big way. So, if he has a good foundation, maybe this will make it so that he will stay ahead of the curve for a while.... I am scared for him. I want him to be successful. I want him to learn to love God and want to follow Him fully. I see that he wants that too. I feel bad and guilty because I don't quite know how to reach him sometimes. This week, he seems really sad. I think it's because I was out of town last weekend and we didn't have a good start on Monday due to a tantrum. Hopefully, he'll feel better and I'll see my smiling boy again. But it hurts so much to see him so sad. Flat affect most of the week. I could have told him that he was going to the biggest birthday party ever and that he could get his own dog and he'd look and smile. No excitement. I hate the fact that he's feeling depressed and there's little I can do about it. But, that's just a part of it. I'm going to try to be better about really being transparent about these things and remember that I have this wonderful thing. But, I think I've written more than enough for one night.
Goodnight, Blog World
I could honestly talk about the stupidity of that forever, but really, I want to talk about how this past year has gone in the quickest way possible. Joshua is the greatest kid ever! I mean seriously. He's completely house broken... er... potty trained, and so smart. Did you know that he's already adding? I'm so proud. My four year old is adding on his fingers! He knows all his letters and about 85% of his sounds. He's really quite amazing. He has the greatest smile and his laugh, oh it makes me melt inside. I'm in love with my four year old. *sigh* He talks a mile a minute but his speech is so clear. I look at the milestones and verbally, he is well above his age level and uses words like, "actually" and "immense". Gosh, he's so darned smart! He can tell the greatest stories and loves to use his imagination. He uses reasoning skills that some of my students even in late elementary school don't yet have a concept of. One day, I took him to work because he had some difficulties at school (more on that later), and he was sitting on the floor, and couldn't see what we were doing. But, we were teaching our students the "magic 9s" for multiplying using our fingers. We would say put the first finger down and that's nine times one. Then the second finger, and so on and so forth. We would watch the students as they struggled to grasp this concept. We were working on 9 times 4 and we asked what finger went down and the students kept saying, "The pointer finger!" This was incorrect because we've been telling them the second finger, third finger, etc. We keep saying, "No." and then from across the room, we hear, "THE FOURTH ONE!!!!" My son had caught onto this pattern before my students. And these were 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders. Have I said yet that I love this kid? Yes? Well, in case you missed it, he's quite amazing.
I love taking pictures of him because he's incredibly photogenic. He gets cuter with age. He's looking at the camera more and his smiles are more genuine. It's a wonderful thing.
But, it hasn't always been good. He throws horrible tantrums that can last for hours. There have been a couple of times where I seriously wanted to throw him out of the car or out of the house because it was driving me literally insane. As many four year olds are (especially only children), he's incredibly selfish. I am learning that this is a normal behavior and that I have to let it go and just continue to teach empathy and compassion. He's also sad much of the time because he misses his mama. She doesn't ever call him and has completely abandoned him. It makes me so sad and mad. NO kid should have to deal with that. He is so scared of her. When he sees her, he has accidents on himself. There are times when I wish I could read his mind so that I can see what he is thinking and remembering. He used to have nightmares every night about bugs. These were memories that were surfacing. These don't happen as often as they once were. While I'm relieved, I also know that they served a purpose. So, I'm sort of torn. But, I know that things come out in time. He's been kicked out of two day care centers because of his tantrums during nap time. Seriously, it would be fine if he didn't want to take a nap. But, he woke up all the kids and scared them with his daily (yes 2 hours a day) tantrums. Both places lasted 9 months. It was such a travesty because both places were great and he learned a lot both socially and academically. Now, he's with a single sitter who only cares for one other kid and then only 4 days a week. While he's doing better, he's still not napping (although we're working on it), and she doesn't really make his education a priority as far as just maintaining the skills he's already learned. I know that this is not a big deal. Really, I do; but being a student with LD and working with those students, I want him to have the most of an edge going in because I am pretty sure that his behavioral difficulties are not just going to stop. He's going to miss classes because of it especially in the beginning unless God intervenes in a big way. So, if he has a good foundation, maybe this will make it so that he will stay ahead of the curve for a while.... I am scared for him. I want him to be successful. I want him to learn to love God and want to follow Him fully. I see that he wants that too. I feel bad and guilty because I don't quite know how to reach him sometimes. This week, he seems really sad. I think it's because I was out of town last weekend and we didn't have a good start on Monday due to a tantrum. Hopefully, he'll feel better and I'll see my smiling boy again. But it hurts so much to see him so sad. Flat affect most of the week. I could have told him that he was going to the biggest birthday party ever and that he could get his own dog and he'd look and smile. No excitement. I hate the fact that he's feeling depressed and there's little I can do about it. But, that's just a part of it. I'm going to try to be better about really being transparent about these things and remember that I have this wonderful thing. But, I think I've written more than enough for one night.
Goodnight, Blog World
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