Insecurity

Friday my school took a field trip to Monticello and Montpelier for Constitution day. It was a great day and the kids did a terrific job. I was so proud of how they listened and behaved even though it was hot and not everything was a blast. The kids were great... unfortunately, one of my coworkers sent me back into de ja vu. Those of you who know me know my struggles with insecurity especially insecurity that comes from social relationships. Between my ADD and my social history growing up with being picked on a bullied, this has really been a challenge coming to terms and accepting that I'm important and valued. This is not new. Many people have struggled like I have. It's probably one of the only things that everyone has in common... feeling that they matter and are valued... but I digress.

I have a coworker who is one of those extra care required people. You know the ones I'm talking about... they're constantly negative with nothing good to say. You see them coming and you look for the closest exit? Yes, I can see you saying their names right now. Well, I have one of those at my job. I like this person and all as I work with her daily, and yet, she's a really negative person. Lately, she's taken a bit of a turn and her negativity is not just centered at herself, she's negatively attacking me. She called me out in front of the students and basically said that I was incompetent when it came to classroom management. Unfortunately, the whole school was listening as well as some parents as it was on a field trip. The whole trip was like that except there were some times when she would joke and act like all was fine and dandy then the next minute, another insult. I completely felt like I was back in middle school! It was so horrible and no one spoke up... including me. I didn't know what to do. I finished the trip and left early due to a massive headache caused by the fact that I hadn't had my coffee or any caffeine that day. But, the Holy Spirit kept telling me that I needed to confront her about her behaviors. We (the HS and I) battled for most of the day. But, in the end, I emailed her. When I finished reading it over for the umpteenth time, I sent it off. I know it's not going to be pretty, but one thing that I learned in CR is that my codependent habit of trying to keep the peace doesn't work. Stuffing my anger doesn't work. So, I let it out and even though I'm scared out of my gourd because I know that there is going to be some push back, I'm proud of myself for standing up to a bully. I think it's a shame I have to do that as an adult and quite frankly, I often wonder WHY I'm special enough to get to experience this social pleasure. I swear I have a sign on me somewhere that says "pick me! pick me!"... OK... I know that's not true;) but that's how it feels. A complete flashback to childhood... *sigh* it's a good thing I'm in CR.

Vacation, vacation, vacation

I don't know about you, but I love vacations. They are so relaxing and with the right one, you don't have to cook or clean! I went with my mother, sister, cousin, and bro-in law on a cruise to Bermuda. It was so much fun!
And yet, I get so intimidated around them. For one thing, it's back to talking over everyone and being judgmental. No lie-- we walked out of a restaurant on a ship because my sister was having a conniption over a little boy drinking coffee. Now, I'm not saying that's right... I mean who thinks that giving an 8 year old coffee is a great idea? But on the flip side, we give them soda and tea with caffeine. Culturally, other countries are no different. Also, the kid was on vacation! Everyone knows that a vacation is a time where we all eat like we don't normally do so, and drink things that we normally don't drink, and never sleep. There were kids everywhere who stayed up all hours of the night because they were on VACATION. And yet, my family-- as much as I love them talked and judged the whole time. But, that's my family. It's what they do and it puts me in such a foul mood sometimes. It was nice to get away, but I didn't want to hear about them judging others over and over again over their vacation life. I finally stood up for some of the parents pointing out that on vacation, the rules are different. It may not be how we raise our kids, but that's the point. They sort of cooled down a little after that, but not by much.
Also, all of them think that they know more than I do which is absolutely annoying. I know I'm no Einstein, but give me a little credit. My bro-in-law actually told me to my face that he's smarter (how humble, right) not knowing that this was one of the worse things he could have said to a person who's struggled her whole life. But this is how it is with my family. This didn't encompass the whole vacation and only accounted for about 10% of it, so don't get me wrong. I'm actually more mad at myself because during this whole thing, I lost sight of who I was and allowed myself to be pulled in. This type of behavior could have cost me my sobriety (although I didn't let it). We didn't talk about God except in cases of judging others and I did nothing to change the conversation except for that one time. The funny thing is that before I left there was a church bulletin that is a pretty popular bulletin for summer which says, "God doesn't take a vacation from you." I laughed until this week because now, I'm not in a good place because I forgot who I was. God doesn't take a vacation from me but I didn't quite take Him with me on vacation. I'm glad to be back home. While vacation is fun, so is being supported and surrounded by people who love me and want to lift me and others up. I'm very thankful for them and for their constant pushing me towards God. I'm excited about the presence of God in my life and am thankful for the chance to come back with new energy towards pursuing Him.

Let th countdown begin

So, in less than a week, I'll be on my way to the bahamas... or bermuda... I still can't remember which one... Just looked at the ticket... It's Bermuda. ANYWAY, I'm overwhelmed about all of the things I need to get done. Packing, cleaning (because my mother taught me to never leave for a trip without a clean house), then more cleaning, printing out information, having nightmares of forgetting something, you know... the usual. Meanwhile, I want this to be a great week for me and my son although it's not exactly working that way. I think we're both overwhelmed and anxious. Him because I'll be gone for a week, me because I'll be gone for a week and I have several lists that I have to complete before leaving. I'm really looking forward to quality adult/no kids time although I know between me and Tamara, we'll probably talk about the kids the whole time. Looking forward to sleeping in without bright blue eyes scaring me awake while holding his crotch telling me that he has to pee... or telling me how beautiful I am just so that he won't get in trouble... Yep... gonna miss him...

This is going to be quite a week. Hopefully Joshua and I will be able to calm ourselves down long enough to enjoy each other while having free or inexpensive fun. We'll see, right?

Joy and Pain

Today was a pretty decent day. I was able to finish all of the paperwork at school and met with my team to discuss the students. Our students made wonderful progress and I was really proud. There is one more day left of my official school week and that's tomorrow. Then... SUMMER BREAK!!!!! YAY! One of the parents and members of the board had us over for lunch and boy was it yummy. They live in a beautiful house which is oh about 3 times the size of mine including my attic. The lunch was catered and there was a harpist playing music the whole time. It was awesome. Right before eating, the father got up and spoke about how much impact we had as educators and how much his children enjoy our school. We were already teary-eyed as he tried to hold his own tears back about the work that we do. But, then, he told us that his family was gifting all 21 teachers $500.00 each! Then we all started crying. I love generous people. The great thing is that just that morning, I was talking to God about my finances and asking for financial protection so that I can diligently be obedient this summer. This was His response. I love how He responds! Jehovah-jireh strikes again! Needless to say, we were all overwhelmed at their generosity on top of the meal and it was such a sweet time of visiting and talking with each other. It was hard to return to work after that, but somehow we managed. I left at four to pick up my wonderful son. This is where the pain occurs...

I love my son. I can't tell you how much he brings joy into my life. He's such a wonderful boy and despite his traumatic start in life, he's come a long way. As you know if you follow my blog, we've had a difficult time with child care. He has a lot of needs. I was hoping/praying that we would find a good fit for him at his current provider. It was the perfect situation. He's with one other kid and so he gets one on one attention. She has a foster daughter so she understands children with traumatic pasts.

Today, he had a few rough spots. He didn't take a nap; which is nothing new, but when he didn't listen, his babysitter cut off the TV. At that time, he threw a tantrum. Apparently, it was a doozie. When I walked in the door, the first words out of his mouth were, "I cried because I missed you." Before you say, "awwww", this was not the truth. He cried because he didn't get what he wanted. But, being my little politician, he knew that sounded better... (how smart is he?) Anyway, after the whole story came out and we were saying our goodbyes, she said, "Good luck. Let me know how it goes with him. You definitely have your hands full." Not remarkable... Here's what she didn't say: She didn't say that she's going to miss him. She didn't comment on what a good boy he is or how even though he had rough spots, he was a good listener. She didn't say that he's a lovely boy or that she loves his personality. Before I say anymore, I want to say that he's done well with her overall. He's a few tantrums there, but they were not as often as at his last preschool. He adjusted to the lack of strict structure that he would have had in a preschool program. He's a lot of work, and while I think she feels for him and maybe even feel some love for him, it's sort of like, "I see his value, but I'm not going to miss him or invite him to come back." She didn't like my son. This is so heart breaking to me. This is also familiar. This is the third caretaker who doesn't like my son. The third who doesn't appreciate the person he could be and look past the trauma and see the boy. I'm very aware of his issues, believe me; but it still surprises me. Before I go on, I would like to say that I am thankful for the work she has done with him. She's been a great babysitter and I definitely liked many of the things that she was able to do with him.

This is a very discouraging dilemma. How many people do I have to encounter until I find one that is willing to show my son compassion? How many caretakers until I find one who looks past the behaviors and sees the scared little boy? How many tears do I have to cry for him; how many prayers do I have to pray to find the right place for him? My son is so smart. He is so loving. He is so attentive. He recognizes when he's being defensive. He talks about how blow fish put their spikes out when they're scared. He makes the connection between his behavior and them or frogs or skunks and their defense mechanisms at age four! This is more than some adults I know. And yet, outside of myself and very few others, there is no compassion for him. I'm starting to become discouraged. Is there a program/person who loves kids despite their issues? All I need is one. Just ONE! I started out with a woman who had 3 other kids. That didn't work. Then, a friend stepped in and that did work, but it was temporary. (Plus she smoked...) Then, over the summer, one of my other friends watched him and that went well for him at least. But she had to go back to work. Then, I tried a Christian daycare thinking, they should be a good fit, right? Wrong. They couldn't handle his unique issues either. Now we have this person. What is a mother to do?

Now, I know that it is not a hopeless situation even though for me right now, it really does feel that way. God has already worked everything out. Public preschool is not going to be the answer this year. He didn't get in. But, I know Whom I serve and He's going to provide again. How this happens? I don't know. When this happens? Hopefully before school starts back for me in August. I trust Him completely. When I find that person/program, I'm going to jump for joy. The one thing that this has done for me is allowed me to have more compassion for my students who are like a blow fish. We have 4 of them. Because of my son, I was able to see past the behaviors and see the hurt boys. I was able to be calm and regulated because I remembered my son. This wasn't always the case, but God has been working with me on this and He is showing me what true compassion looks like. My son is a GREAT kid. He deserves to be loved and liked whether he's being a pain in the butt or not. Same with my students. God is using this to teach me and while it's a painful lesson, it's one that I'm not going to soon forget.

Experiments

My son has been diagnosed with PTSD and attachment disorder. Basically, this means that he has triggers that he reacts to that seem to set him off and he is not in his right mind. He does crazy things like throw amazing temper tantrums, whine, run away, etc. This hardly ever happens when I'm around, but when I'm not there, these things occur often. (some more often than others). I've been taking him to therapy for about a year now and it has helped him tremendously. He's a much calmer kid and at least around me he's one of the most well behaved kids I know. Unfortunately, everyday that I'm at work, I worry about what he's up to. Is he having a tantrum? Is he listening to the babysitter? When I go to pick him up, I get a knot of anxiety in my stomach about his day. Usually it starts out with... "Joshua didn't take a nap. He then..." fell of the couch, threw a fit, hit a kid, told the babysitter he wasn't going to listen, feigned illness, picked leaves off a plant... all of these things have happened. Along with this diagnosis is a child choosing to poop and pee on themselves. Today, he chose to pee on himself. When asked why, his response: "I was doing an experiment." On the one hand, I'm sure that makes you laugh. You have to admit, that's pretty darned cleaver for a 4 year old. Not so funny if you're the sitter and sitting right there and he announces that he's wet himself. He had an accident this morning while he was sleeping and I didn't make a big deal out of it so he decided he was going to do it again to get a bigger reaction. I swear sometimes, I wish I was in his brain and knew why he does this. How bizarre. We're supposed to go to the zoo and I wasn't going to take him after this incident; but God and I started talking and He said to take him anyway. The thing is, I'm not worried about him on the trip. He's going to do well and be his charming self because again, I'm there! But I can't be there all the time. I wish I had a magic wand that could solve this problem. I've tried behavioral charts, food, privileges, motivation, spanking... you name it, I've done it. And yet, when he's feeling upset and anxious, these bizarre behaviors return.

The babysitter pointed out that these sets of behaviors started happening on Tuesday... this is the day after we went to visit his half brother. He does have to adjust to the fact that his brother has been adopted. I think that he struggles with that. But, both of us mothers feel it's important for them to know that they are family and connected. There's nothing worse than not being able to fill in the pieces. I wish that he was healed enough that this wouldn't be such an issue. It makes me sad and at times, a little resigned. An experiment... geez kid. I don't think that your hypothesis was correct. The results weren't what you expected either.

Me? Rich?

Anyone who knows me... truly knows me knows how disorganized I am. Anyone who knows me knows how numbers don't come easy to me. How I struggle to make ends meet in a month, how that's always been something that I don't excel at. I consider that one of my biggest weaknesses.

Another weakness is my relationships. Not so much now, but definitely before I started CR I didn't believe in total disclosure. I would talk the big talk but not really believe my own hype. Sure, you say the nice things about yourself so that people wouldn't think of you as someone with "low self esteem". Especially as a Christian, right? Anyone who knows me... really knows me knows that I struggle with many many things.

Over the past two years, God has been taking me on a journey. He's shown me that His Kingdom makes no sense whatsoever and that the things that I think of as common sense are so not. I had a great paying job teaching and yet I was miserable. I traveled over an hour one way to work and had nothing left at the end of the day but pure frustration and boredom. I bought a house because I had the money and also more importantly because God told me that it was OK. Anyone who's heard the story knows how God gave me what I wanted and then some. But, then, I stopped working at the high paying teaching job and took a much lower paying job. While I was OK financially, this definitely put a chink in my lifestyle. I took a 4,000 pay cut. That's quite painful. But, I was happy. I was doing something that I loved and learning. Then, if that weren't enough, God blessed me with Joshua. I was not so happy all the time and even though I loved being a mom, he's a hard kid. He's needy and has a lot of baggage. At the time, I didn't know quite how much and it was just so overwhelming. But, God is faithful and He gave me the support I needed to make it through that summer. In addition, I was going through CR and it helped me with many of my issues. Boy was I grateful. God took me from a place of just living and gave me abundant life. There is such a difference between the two.

Anyone who knew me then and knows me now sees what God has done. I am confident in Who He is now. I don't doubt His goodness (most of the time). I speak with His Authority because He has proven Himself in my life. It's an awesome feeling. But, I still have my issues. I struggle with being single. I struggle with being a single parent raising a child with severe emotional issues. I struggle with the fact that he may have these issues forever and never quite get over them (although in faith, I don't think this will be the case). I allow those struggles and fears to get the best of me sometimes. Recently, I messed up big time and had to make amends to him, and confess to my sponsor and others. How humbling. But, again, God is faithful.

I have been praying for many people in my life, but the one person that I really have a burden for is my brother in law. I love him to death. He is the older brother that I never had. He's funny and really caring. He's a good balance to my sister. We love debating silly things much to my sister's chagrin.

Recently, he's been talking to me about his walk with God. This is a tricky subject with him because like so many people, he thinks that he has a relationship with God. But,as I stated, God and I have come a long way and now that I know what abundance in Him looks like, I talk about God in a different light. This really bothers him. He's told me on many occasions that he feels jealous of my relationship because (and I'm paraphrasing, but the meaning is the same) he is smarter than me on many subjects, but not about the Bible or God. He says at times that he gets angry that I know more about God than he does. It bothers him that I talk to God like He's right there with me because he doesn't have that type of relationship with Him.

We've had these conversations more times than I care to count. Each time, God gives me the words to say to challenge Curtis's way of thinking about who God is. Recently, Curtis had a crisis in his life. While it wasn't a major life changing event, it was something that jarred him pretty deeply and he called me to discuss it. As I'm listening, God's telling me things and providing insight. I tell him some things that were pretty tough to hear, and he's actually listening.

Tonight, he calls me back as he's been chewing on those things and gives me the same excuses he always does. Sort of along the "that's the way I roll" type of answers. But then, he changes course. He says that he doesn't like talking to me about spiritual issues because I have a closer relationship with God. He says that when he talks to me, he feels guilt and jealousy because I know more about God and I never talk about my struggles. I told him that he never asked and if he did, I'd tell him. I say that my struggles are the reason why I am confident of God now. But, then he states that my struggles to him are comparable to a millionaire complaining that he can't visit his summer home. It's a drop in the bucket so to speak. How do I respond to that? How do I even process that?

Curtis thinks I'm rich? Me with the learning disorders and the poor attention span? Me who can barely remember where I put some life altering paper seconds after I put it down? Me who can't even balance her checkbook and lives from pay check to pay check? Me who struggles to be kind and considerate to others, to care for my son in a God-pleasing way, who has zero self confidence sometimes in my parenting skills... I don't understand. He's the one who makes the big bucks. Him and my sister, the Dr... both of whom makes at least twice my salary individually.

I can't help but think about what he's talking about. I'm not rich. I'm not worldly rich. I don't even wish for that necessarily. But, I do know God and I do know what abundant life feels like. I do know that God who has begun a good work in me is not going to leave me here. I do know that He loves me more than I'll ever know. I do know that He wants a relationship and He's not just interested in a canned prayer that I learned when I was little. He wants to grow me and stretch me and mold me. He wants me to be obedient. That's all I've done. Been obedient. And yet, because of my obedience, He's transformed my life. He's taken me out of bondage. He's given me not confidence in myself, but confidence in Him so that the things that I say come from personal experience and not some pat church answer. What a difference.

How humbled I feel that someone would say that about me. It's not me, it's Him. I am nothing, but through Him, I have everything I'll ever need. I'm a sinner saved by grace. I do the things that I don't want to do even though I know better. I'm not always obedient even though I know better. And yet, God still speaks to me and through me so much so that others take notice? How humbling. Thank You God for again reminding me about your goodness. Thank You again for reminding me what I have through You. Thank You for making me rich in You.

Life Imitating Art

So, since high school, I've fallen in love with the wonderful world of Drama. However, because of some scars from high school, it took me a long time to get back into the swing of all that theatre has to offer (notice the switch? A real thespian never calls it "drama" or "theater";) Anyway, this year, I wrote a short play for my students in which the director becomes more and more frustrated with the cast and their shenanigans. Oh irony of ironies. Whilst it's not as tragic as Macbeth, I will say that a few different students were almost beheaded due to their disrespect! Then today at the eleventh hour, students are forgetting their lines right and left and the "audience" (mainly one teacher) is looking at me thinking... "what have these kids been doing this whole time?" I say how much they've done and how they know their lines... blah blah blah... and meanwhile, I'm feeling like the main character who's slowly losing their mind as the clueless cast looks onto the insanity. Oh cruel art! How darest thou mock me in this way! Glad to see that I've still got it!