Me? Rich?

Anyone who knows me... truly knows me knows how disorganized I am. Anyone who knows me knows how numbers don't come easy to me. How I struggle to make ends meet in a month, how that's always been something that I don't excel at. I consider that one of my biggest weaknesses.

Another weakness is my relationships. Not so much now, but definitely before I started CR I didn't believe in total disclosure. I would talk the big talk but not really believe my own hype. Sure, you say the nice things about yourself so that people wouldn't think of you as someone with "low self esteem". Especially as a Christian, right? Anyone who knows me... really knows me knows that I struggle with many many things.

Over the past two years, God has been taking me on a journey. He's shown me that His Kingdom makes no sense whatsoever and that the things that I think of as common sense are so not. I had a great paying job teaching and yet I was miserable. I traveled over an hour one way to work and had nothing left at the end of the day but pure frustration and boredom. I bought a house because I had the money and also more importantly because God told me that it was OK. Anyone who's heard the story knows how God gave me what I wanted and then some. But, then, I stopped working at the high paying teaching job and took a much lower paying job. While I was OK financially, this definitely put a chink in my lifestyle. I took a 4,000 pay cut. That's quite painful. But, I was happy. I was doing something that I loved and learning. Then, if that weren't enough, God blessed me with Joshua. I was not so happy all the time and even though I loved being a mom, he's a hard kid. He's needy and has a lot of baggage. At the time, I didn't know quite how much and it was just so overwhelming. But, God is faithful and He gave me the support I needed to make it through that summer. In addition, I was going through CR and it helped me with many of my issues. Boy was I grateful. God took me from a place of just living and gave me abundant life. There is such a difference between the two.

Anyone who knew me then and knows me now sees what God has done. I am confident in Who He is now. I don't doubt His goodness (most of the time). I speak with His Authority because He has proven Himself in my life. It's an awesome feeling. But, I still have my issues. I struggle with being single. I struggle with being a single parent raising a child with severe emotional issues. I struggle with the fact that he may have these issues forever and never quite get over them (although in faith, I don't think this will be the case). I allow those struggles and fears to get the best of me sometimes. Recently, I messed up big time and had to make amends to him, and confess to my sponsor and others. How humbling. But, again, God is faithful.

I have been praying for many people in my life, but the one person that I really have a burden for is my brother in law. I love him to death. He is the older brother that I never had. He's funny and really caring. He's a good balance to my sister. We love debating silly things much to my sister's chagrin.

Recently, he's been talking to me about his walk with God. This is a tricky subject with him because like so many people, he thinks that he has a relationship with God. But,as I stated, God and I have come a long way and now that I know what abundance in Him looks like, I talk about God in a different light. This really bothers him. He's told me on many occasions that he feels jealous of my relationship because (and I'm paraphrasing, but the meaning is the same) he is smarter than me on many subjects, but not about the Bible or God. He says at times that he gets angry that I know more about God than he does. It bothers him that I talk to God like He's right there with me because he doesn't have that type of relationship with Him.

We've had these conversations more times than I care to count. Each time, God gives me the words to say to challenge Curtis's way of thinking about who God is. Recently, Curtis had a crisis in his life. While it wasn't a major life changing event, it was something that jarred him pretty deeply and he called me to discuss it. As I'm listening, God's telling me things and providing insight. I tell him some things that were pretty tough to hear, and he's actually listening.

Tonight, he calls me back as he's been chewing on those things and gives me the same excuses he always does. Sort of along the "that's the way I roll" type of answers. But then, he changes course. He says that he doesn't like talking to me about spiritual issues because I have a closer relationship with God. He says that when he talks to me, he feels guilt and jealousy because I know more about God and I never talk about my struggles. I told him that he never asked and if he did, I'd tell him. I say that my struggles are the reason why I am confident of God now. But, then he states that my struggles to him are comparable to a millionaire complaining that he can't visit his summer home. It's a drop in the bucket so to speak. How do I respond to that? How do I even process that?

Curtis thinks I'm rich? Me with the learning disorders and the poor attention span? Me who can barely remember where I put some life altering paper seconds after I put it down? Me who can't even balance her checkbook and lives from pay check to pay check? Me who struggles to be kind and considerate to others, to care for my son in a God-pleasing way, who has zero self confidence sometimes in my parenting skills... I don't understand. He's the one who makes the big bucks. Him and my sister, the Dr... both of whom makes at least twice my salary individually.

I can't help but think about what he's talking about. I'm not rich. I'm not worldly rich. I don't even wish for that necessarily. But, I do know God and I do know what abundant life feels like. I do know that God who has begun a good work in me is not going to leave me here. I do know that He loves me more than I'll ever know. I do know that He wants a relationship and He's not just interested in a canned prayer that I learned when I was little. He wants to grow me and stretch me and mold me. He wants me to be obedient. That's all I've done. Been obedient. And yet, because of my obedience, He's transformed my life. He's taken me out of bondage. He's given me not confidence in myself, but confidence in Him so that the things that I say come from personal experience and not some pat church answer. What a difference.

How humbled I feel that someone would say that about me. It's not me, it's Him. I am nothing, but through Him, I have everything I'll ever need. I'm a sinner saved by grace. I do the things that I don't want to do even though I know better. I'm not always obedient even though I know better. And yet, God still speaks to me and through me so much so that others take notice? How humbling. Thank You God for again reminding me about your goodness. Thank You again for reminding me what I have through You. Thank You for making me rich in You.

Life Imitating Art

So, since high school, I've fallen in love with the wonderful world of Drama. However, because of some scars from high school, it took me a long time to get back into the swing of all that theatre has to offer (notice the switch? A real thespian never calls it "drama" or "theater";) Anyway, this year, I wrote a short play for my students in which the director becomes more and more frustrated with the cast and their shenanigans. Oh irony of ironies. Whilst it's not as tragic as Macbeth, I will say that a few different students were almost beheaded due to their disrespect! Then today at the eleventh hour, students are forgetting their lines right and left and the "audience" (mainly one teacher) is looking at me thinking... "what have these kids been doing this whole time?" I say how much they've done and how they know their lines... blah blah blah... and meanwhile, I'm feeling like the main character who's slowly losing their mind as the clueless cast looks onto the insanity. Oh cruel art! How darest thou mock me in this way! Glad to see that I've still got it!

Here we go again...

So, there are many joys to having Joshua and three weeks ago, I could tell you all about them. Unfortunately, we're back in the "I'm not going to listen to a word my babysitter says and I'm not going to take a nap!" phase. Quite frankly, I hate this phase. It would be one thing if he didn't need a nap but the truth of the matter is he does. He's a completely different kid without a nap. He's rude and mean and whiny. Or as his therapist says he becomes "disregulated." I personally like rude, mean and whiny...

Seriously, this is an exhausting stage because he seems to not care about being in trouble. Take today for example. I went to pick him up and he's semi-laying on the couch doing his own thing. She's telling me about how he wasn't listening and he then starts playing on the couch. When I tell him to put his sheet away, that kid had the nerve to smirk at his babysitter! I tell you, that boy was about to meet Jesus right then and there! The nerve of that kid! He's lucky that the Holy Spirit stopped me from tanning his behind right then and there because boy did I want to. I don't know why he does these things because he doesn't talk about it. I try to pinpoint when and then take guesses about why he does this and no answer. He's stuck and I'm not quite sure about how to get him unstuck. So, then I wait it out while he's being a pain in my butt... *sigh* kids... they make me want to drink.

Grumpy

So I am really grumpy. I don't know why. Last time, it was what I thought but this time, I think it's spiritual. I was at CR and even though it felt good to be there, I didn't quite feel like I belonged. I'm not quite sure where I need to be. I decided that during small group time, I would pray and although I learned a few things, it didn't quite take me out of my funk. I felt upset at times because sometimes I feel that people think that if I'm not actively participating in CR then I'm backsliding or something and that's not it. I just don't know what God is doing there. What's my part in the serving? I honestly don't know. I'm not passionate about it like I once was and I'm OK with missing it at night. I don't know if Joshua really got a lot out of it either. We'll see... I am upset that prayer didn't answer my question of grumpiness. I'm praying that this week, God will shed light on what is going on. All I know is that I'm not happy. I feel like I'm going from day to day just surviving with highlights throughout the week. Last week wasn't a bad week. It was a good week but this weekend... I don't quite know what happened. *sigh* Again, not a bad week or weekend.

One of the things that I asked God about is what am I afraid of. Often anger (which is part of grumpiness) comes from fear. I really do think that it is along those lines. So I asked, "What am I afraid of?"

The answer is: I don't know. Some people have been asking about Joshua and possible adoption and while I may consider that at one point, I'm not quite there yet. I am scared of that whole thing and I know it doesn't make sense, but I think I'm afraid of the permanence. Isn't that stupid? I mean, I don't want him to go anywhere, I'd be lost and sad without him in my life. Heck, he IS my life (in a healthy way, not in a codependent way). I think I'm afraid of messing him up still. And yet, I haven't gotten a grasp on what that means. How much worse can I do than what's been done to him? On the other hand, maybe I'm not taking the steps forward that God wants me to take. I don't know but it is a possibility.

Another possibility is (and I don't quite know when this popped up) that I'm mad at God because I'm living another single year. While I didn't think this was such an issue, I saw that it was while I was praying. I think I still find it hard to believe that no guy wants to go out with me still. I mean, I lost weight, I've worked through many of my issues, I even joined eharmony thinking that I had to do something to make myself available. And yet, nothing. Maybe I'm living in the world of I think that He owes me this which is never a good place to be... but I don't think that's it. I don't even think that it's that I don't think I'll ever marry. But, it's hard to continue to give myself pep talks about how great I am when there's no one there to confirm that. I look at my married friends and even though they have their issues, at the end of the day, they share their lives with someone. They are committed to that person. Whether they stay that way is up to them; but that person is going to be there to help out and to listen to. I've never had a guy love me. I'm 32 and I've never had that happen. My mother was 16. Tamara-16 when she started dating. I've never really dated. It's really sad when you think about it. I could live in a convent at this point still. It's just frustrating. I'm tired of doing this alone. And yet, I don't want to do this without God. This in itself puts me in a bit of a quandary. Either I take control and screw things up or I let God take control and wait for God only knows (literally) how long. I am frustrated but in the end, I want to do God's will because His is the only one that will matter. While it is painful (and believe me, it is), I know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. Because He knows the plans He has for me. He wants me to prosper me and not harm me. He wants me to have a future. While I can plan my steps as much as I want, He's the one who orders them so that I don't fall. I am a princess, His princess and so I will wait and still I will worship Him.

Tired but oh so joyful

God is so good. I just can't tell you just how blessed I feel. Joshua's doing better and it's such a joy to not feel the knot in my shoulders when I pick him up. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get him into a Pre-k program next year but it looks like the odds of him getting in are 50/50 because they've cut the program down. This is definitely one of those gotta trust God deals.

So, CR kids starts in a week or two and I'm excited that Joshua gets to go... the problem is that I don't know what to do with ME. I know I don't want to be in a group, but I also don't want to just stand against the wall. I'm really just trying to figure out what God is up to here. Where is my place? I'm not nervous and part of me thinks that I want an answer simply to appease my fellow CR peeps. As a matter of fact, if I was being honest, that's exactly what it's about. I personally like where I am right now and am so happy for the break. It's nice to be able to hang with friends and spend a leisurely lazy Sunday at home.

My mother's coming in on Friday and I am so excited. I so love her. She's the best. I think that she's really starting to warm up to Joshua and it's great to see. It's sort of awkward because they're not biologically related and I can't really gauge where she is with him. With Xavier, she picks him up and snuggles with him all the time and part of me thinks it's because he's a baby and another part thinks that it's because they're biologically related. I find that I'm really sensitive with that... but, I know that she likes Joshua and I think that in time, she'll see him as her grandson as well... if that ever happens. I'm sort of waiting things out and asking God for direction so that I can make the right decision for him. I cannot imagine my life without him in it day in and day out. Heck, I miss him when he's not there for a night! I do want to move toward adopting him but I'm also afraid because if I think things are complicated now, how much more will they be complicated if I move forward on that? *sigh* So, I'm just waiting on God to show the way. He's learning and blossoming and I am so in love with my little boy. At times, I get overwhelmed with the fact that he's a 4 year old and I really sometimes just have to take a step back and accept him for who he is at 4. He's just so precious and he's been through so much.

Spiritually, I feel like I'm just going with the flow. I talk to God and I think we're on good terms... We talk and all, but I know that there were times when we were closer. I want more of Him but I'm not sure how to get there.... actually I do. I need to spend more quality time talking to Him instead of watching TV. Seriously, that is my best friend. Fake people on the boob tube. Man I need a life! It's not as bad as all that though. Only during the weekends and at night. I try to not watch as much TV when Joshua's around because I don't want him to get hooked on it, but there are times when I send him downstairs so that I can unwind in front of the TV. It's times like that when I feel that I'm not doing right by him. I don't know... maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. I do love my God, though. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I want to live a life of excellence... but seriously, that's SO HARD!!!!!

Quote of the week

This morning, we were walking to his babysitter's and he said, "Even though you're not as skinny as me, you're still pretty skinny. *sigh* I love him;)

Hrumph

I have been so grumpy lately. It's all I can do to not bite my son's head off... It's times like this that I feel like a bad mother:( It seems at times all I do is say, "don't do that." or "don't do this" or "no" *sigh*. I'm hoping it's just a "phase" (ahem).

Today, I went to schedule him for pre-k and I can already tell that it's going to be quite an ordeal. There are already 38 kids signed up for a class of 16 which means that half of them will not make it. Meanwhile, I was told that the registration was from 9-4 and when I got there, the woman told me it closed at 2:30. So, now I have to go back on Tuesday at 1:30 for an interview. I'm hoping that he gets in because: 1: He needs the exposure of other kids and 2: I can't afford full time daycare. I did find out that we are in the Thomas Jefferson school zone which is sort of a bummer because New London is a much smaller school. But, I'm not going to worry about that now because that's at least a year away. So, my summer is going to be spent researching SPED law to pretty much assure that he gets into pre-k even though he is not at risk behaviorally and working on other Joshua related things. It's going to be an adventurous summer!