Let th countdown begin

So, in less than a week, I'll be on my way to the bahamas... or bermuda... I still can't remember which one... Just looked at the ticket... It's Bermuda. ANYWAY, I'm overwhelmed about all of the things I need to get done. Packing, cleaning (because my mother taught me to never leave for a trip without a clean house), then more cleaning, printing out information, having nightmares of forgetting something, you know... the usual. Meanwhile, I want this to be a great week for me and my son although it's not exactly working that way. I think we're both overwhelmed and anxious. Him because I'll be gone for a week, me because I'll be gone for a week and I have several lists that I have to complete before leaving. I'm really looking forward to quality adult/no kids time although I know between me and Tamara, we'll probably talk about the kids the whole time. Looking forward to sleeping in without bright blue eyes scaring me awake while holding his crotch telling me that he has to pee... or telling me how beautiful I am just so that he won't get in trouble... Yep... gonna miss him...

This is going to be quite a week. Hopefully Joshua and I will be able to calm ourselves down long enough to enjoy each other while having free or inexpensive fun. We'll see, right?

Joy and Pain

Today was a pretty decent day. I was able to finish all of the paperwork at school and met with my team to discuss the students. Our students made wonderful progress and I was really proud. There is one more day left of my official school week and that's tomorrow. Then... SUMMER BREAK!!!!! YAY! One of the parents and members of the board had us over for lunch and boy was it yummy. They live in a beautiful house which is oh about 3 times the size of mine including my attic. The lunch was catered and there was a harpist playing music the whole time. It was awesome. Right before eating, the father got up and spoke about how much impact we had as educators and how much his children enjoy our school. We were already teary-eyed as he tried to hold his own tears back about the work that we do. But, then, he told us that his family was gifting all 21 teachers $500.00 each! Then we all started crying. I love generous people. The great thing is that just that morning, I was talking to God about my finances and asking for financial protection so that I can diligently be obedient this summer. This was His response. I love how He responds! Jehovah-jireh strikes again! Needless to say, we were all overwhelmed at their generosity on top of the meal and it was such a sweet time of visiting and talking with each other. It was hard to return to work after that, but somehow we managed. I left at four to pick up my wonderful son. This is where the pain occurs...

I love my son. I can't tell you how much he brings joy into my life. He's such a wonderful boy and despite his traumatic start in life, he's come a long way. As you know if you follow my blog, we've had a difficult time with child care. He has a lot of needs. I was hoping/praying that we would find a good fit for him at his current provider. It was the perfect situation. He's with one other kid and so he gets one on one attention. She has a foster daughter so she understands children with traumatic pasts.

Today, he had a few rough spots. He didn't take a nap; which is nothing new, but when he didn't listen, his babysitter cut off the TV. At that time, he threw a tantrum. Apparently, it was a doozie. When I walked in the door, the first words out of his mouth were, "I cried because I missed you." Before you say, "awwww", this was not the truth. He cried because he didn't get what he wanted. But, being my little politician, he knew that sounded better... (how smart is he?) Anyway, after the whole story came out and we were saying our goodbyes, she said, "Good luck. Let me know how it goes with him. You definitely have your hands full." Not remarkable... Here's what she didn't say: She didn't say that she's going to miss him. She didn't comment on what a good boy he is or how even though he had rough spots, he was a good listener. She didn't say that he's a lovely boy or that she loves his personality. Before I say anymore, I want to say that he's done well with her overall. He's a few tantrums there, but they were not as often as at his last preschool. He adjusted to the lack of strict structure that he would have had in a preschool program. He's a lot of work, and while I think she feels for him and maybe even feel some love for him, it's sort of like, "I see his value, but I'm not going to miss him or invite him to come back." She didn't like my son. This is so heart breaking to me. This is also familiar. This is the third caretaker who doesn't like my son. The third who doesn't appreciate the person he could be and look past the trauma and see the boy. I'm very aware of his issues, believe me; but it still surprises me. Before I go on, I would like to say that I am thankful for the work she has done with him. She's been a great babysitter and I definitely liked many of the things that she was able to do with him.

This is a very discouraging dilemma. How many people do I have to encounter until I find one that is willing to show my son compassion? How many caretakers until I find one who looks past the behaviors and sees the scared little boy? How many tears do I have to cry for him; how many prayers do I have to pray to find the right place for him? My son is so smart. He is so loving. He is so attentive. He recognizes when he's being defensive. He talks about how blow fish put their spikes out when they're scared. He makes the connection between his behavior and them or frogs or skunks and their defense mechanisms at age four! This is more than some adults I know. And yet, outside of myself and very few others, there is no compassion for him. I'm starting to become discouraged. Is there a program/person who loves kids despite their issues? All I need is one. Just ONE! I started out with a woman who had 3 other kids. That didn't work. Then, a friend stepped in and that did work, but it was temporary. (Plus she smoked...) Then, over the summer, one of my other friends watched him and that went well for him at least. But she had to go back to work. Then, I tried a Christian daycare thinking, they should be a good fit, right? Wrong. They couldn't handle his unique issues either. Now we have this person. What is a mother to do?

Now, I know that it is not a hopeless situation even though for me right now, it really does feel that way. God has already worked everything out. Public preschool is not going to be the answer this year. He didn't get in. But, I know Whom I serve and He's going to provide again. How this happens? I don't know. When this happens? Hopefully before school starts back for me in August. I trust Him completely. When I find that person/program, I'm going to jump for joy. The one thing that this has done for me is allowed me to have more compassion for my students who are like a blow fish. We have 4 of them. Because of my son, I was able to see past the behaviors and see the hurt boys. I was able to be calm and regulated because I remembered my son. This wasn't always the case, but God has been working with me on this and He is showing me what true compassion looks like. My son is a GREAT kid. He deserves to be loved and liked whether he's being a pain in the butt or not. Same with my students. God is using this to teach me and while it's a painful lesson, it's one that I'm not going to soon forget.

Experiments

My son has been diagnosed with PTSD and attachment disorder. Basically, this means that he has triggers that he reacts to that seem to set him off and he is not in his right mind. He does crazy things like throw amazing temper tantrums, whine, run away, etc. This hardly ever happens when I'm around, but when I'm not there, these things occur often. (some more often than others). I've been taking him to therapy for about a year now and it has helped him tremendously. He's a much calmer kid and at least around me he's one of the most well behaved kids I know. Unfortunately, everyday that I'm at work, I worry about what he's up to. Is he having a tantrum? Is he listening to the babysitter? When I go to pick him up, I get a knot of anxiety in my stomach about his day. Usually it starts out with... "Joshua didn't take a nap. He then..." fell of the couch, threw a fit, hit a kid, told the babysitter he wasn't going to listen, feigned illness, picked leaves off a plant... all of these things have happened. Along with this diagnosis is a child choosing to poop and pee on themselves. Today, he chose to pee on himself. When asked why, his response: "I was doing an experiment." On the one hand, I'm sure that makes you laugh. You have to admit, that's pretty darned cleaver for a 4 year old. Not so funny if you're the sitter and sitting right there and he announces that he's wet himself. He had an accident this morning while he was sleeping and I didn't make a big deal out of it so he decided he was going to do it again to get a bigger reaction. I swear sometimes, I wish I was in his brain and knew why he does this. How bizarre. We're supposed to go to the zoo and I wasn't going to take him after this incident; but God and I started talking and He said to take him anyway. The thing is, I'm not worried about him on the trip. He's going to do well and be his charming self because again, I'm there! But I can't be there all the time. I wish I had a magic wand that could solve this problem. I've tried behavioral charts, food, privileges, motivation, spanking... you name it, I've done it. And yet, when he's feeling upset and anxious, these bizarre behaviors return.

The babysitter pointed out that these sets of behaviors started happening on Tuesday... this is the day after we went to visit his half brother. He does have to adjust to the fact that his brother has been adopted. I think that he struggles with that. But, both of us mothers feel it's important for them to know that they are family and connected. There's nothing worse than not being able to fill in the pieces. I wish that he was healed enough that this wouldn't be such an issue. It makes me sad and at times, a little resigned. An experiment... geez kid. I don't think that your hypothesis was correct. The results weren't what you expected either.

Me? Rich?

Anyone who knows me... truly knows me knows how disorganized I am. Anyone who knows me knows how numbers don't come easy to me. How I struggle to make ends meet in a month, how that's always been something that I don't excel at. I consider that one of my biggest weaknesses.

Another weakness is my relationships. Not so much now, but definitely before I started CR I didn't believe in total disclosure. I would talk the big talk but not really believe my own hype. Sure, you say the nice things about yourself so that people wouldn't think of you as someone with "low self esteem". Especially as a Christian, right? Anyone who knows me... really knows me knows that I struggle with many many things.

Over the past two years, God has been taking me on a journey. He's shown me that His Kingdom makes no sense whatsoever and that the things that I think of as common sense are so not. I had a great paying job teaching and yet I was miserable. I traveled over an hour one way to work and had nothing left at the end of the day but pure frustration and boredom. I bought a house because I had the money and also more importantly because God told me that it was OK. Anyone who's heard the story knows how God gave me what I wanted and then some. But, then, I stopped working at the high paying teaching job and took a much lower paying job. While I was OK financially, this definitely put a chink in my lifestyle. I took a 4,000 pay cut. That's quite painful. But, I was happy. I was doing something that I loved and learning. Then, if that weren't enough, God blessed me with Joshua. I was not so happy all the time and even though I loved being a mom, he's a hard kid. He's needy and has a lot of baggage. At the time, I didn't know quite how much and it was just so overwhelming. But, God is faithful and He gave me the support I needed to make it through that summer. In addition, I was going through CR and it helped me with many of my issues. Boy was I grateful. God took me from a place of just living and gave me abundant life. There is such a difference between the two.

Anyone who knew me then and knows me now sees what God has done. I am confident in Who He is now. I don't doubt His goodness (most of the time). I speak with His Authority because He has proven Himself in my life. It's an awesome feeling. But, I still have my issues. I struggle with being single. I struggle with being a single parent raising a child with severe emotional issues. I struggle with the fact that he may have these issues forever and never quite get over them (although in faith, I don't think this will be the case). I allow those struggles and fears to get the best of me sometimes. Recently, I messed up big time and had to make amends to him, and confess to my sponsor and others. How humbling. But, again, God is faithful.

I have been praying for many people in my life, but the one person that I really have a burden for is my brother in law. I love him to death. He is the older brother that I never had. He's funny and really caring. He's a good balance to my sister. We love debating silly things much to my sister's chagrin.

Recently, he's been talking to me about his walk with God. This is a tricky subject with him because like so many people, he thinks that he has a relationship with God. But,as I stated, God and I have come a long way and now that I know what abundance in Him looks like, I talk about God in a different light. This really bothers him. He's told me on many occasions that he feels jealous of my relationship because (and I'm paraphrasing, but the meaning is the same) he is smarter than me on many subjects, but not about the Bible or God. He says at times that he gets angry that I know more about God than he does. It bothers him that I talk to God like He's right there with me because he doesn't have that type of relationship with Him.

We've had these conversations more times than I care to count. Each time, God gives me the words to say to challenge Curtis's way of thinking about who God is. Recently, Curtis had a crisis in his life. While it wasn't a major life changing event, it was something that jarred him pretty deeply and he called me to discuss it. As I'm listening, God's telling me things and providing insight. I tell him some things that were pretty tough to hear, and he's actually listening.

Tonight, he calls me back as he's been chewing on those things and gives me the same excuses he always does. Sort of along the "that's the way I roll" type of answers. But then, he changes course. He says that he doesn't like talking to me about spiritual issues because I have a closer relationship with God. He says that when he talks to me, he feels guilt and jealousy because I know more about God and I never talk about my struggles. I told him that he never asked and if he did, I'd tell him. I say that my struggles are the reason why I am confident of God now. But, then he states that my struggles to him are comparable to a millionaire complaining that he can't visit his summer home. It's a drop in the bucket so to speak. How do I respond to that? How do I even process that?

Curtis thinks I'm rich? Me with the learning disorders and the poor attention span? Me who can barely remember where I put some life altering paper seconds after I put it down? Me who can't even balance her checkbook and lives from pay check to pay check? Me who struggles to be kind and considerate to others, to care for my son in a God-pleasing way, who has zero self confidence sometimes in my parenting skills... I don't understand. He's the one who makes the big bucks. Him and my sister, the Dr... both of whom makes at least twice my salary individually.

I can't help but think about what he's talking about. I'm not rich. I'm not worldly rich. I don't even wish for that necessarily. But, I do know God and I do know what abundant life feels like. I do know that God who has begun a good work in me is not going to leave me here. I do know that He loves me more than I'll ever know. I do know that He wants a relationship and He's not just interested in a canned prayer that I learned when I was little. He wants to grow me and stretch me and mold me. He wants me to be obedient. That's all I've done. Been obedient. And yet, because of my obedience, He's transformed my life. He's taken me out of bondage. He's given me not confidence in myself, but confidence in Him so that the things that I say come from personal experience and not some pat church answer. What a difference.

How humbled I feel that someone would say that about me. It's not me, it's Him. I am nothing, but through Him, I have everything I'll ever need. I'm a sinner saved by grace. I do the things that I don't want to do even though I know better. I'm not always obedient even though I know better. And yet, God still speaks to me and through me so much so that others take notice? How humbling. Thank You God for again reminding me about your goodness. Thank You again for reminding me what I have through You. Thank You for making me rich in You.

Life Imitating Art

So, since high school, I've fallen in love with the wonderful world of Drama. However, because of some scars from high school, it took me a long time to get back into the swing of all that theatre has to offer (notice the switch? A real thespian never calls it "drama" or "theater";) Anyway, this year, I wrote a short play for my students in which the director becomes more and more frustrated with the cast and their shenanigans. Oh irony of ironies. Whilst it's not as tragic as Macbeth, I will say that a few different students were almost beheaded due to their disrespect! Then today at the eleventh hour, students are forgetting their lines right and left and the "audience" (mainly one teacher) is looking at me thinking... "what have these kids been doing this whole time?" I say how much they've done and how they know their lines... blah blah blah... and meanwhile, I'm feeling like the main character who's slowly losing their mind as the clueless cast looks onto the insanity. Oh cruel art! How darest thou mock me in this way! Glad to see that I've still got it!

Here we go again...

So, there are many joys to having Joshua and three weeks ago, I could tell you all about them. Unfortunately, we're back in the "I'm not going to listen to a word my babysitter says and I'm not going to take a nap!" phase. Quite frankly, I hate this phase. It would be one thing if he didn't need a nap but the truth of the matter is he does. He's a completely different kid without a nap. He's rude and mean and whiny. Or as his therapist says he becomes "disregulated." I personally like rude, mean and whiny...

Seriously, this is an exhausting stage because he seems to not care about being in trouble. Take today for example. I went to pick him up and he's semi-laying on the couch doing his own thing. She's telling me about how he wasn't listening and he then starts playing on the couch. When I tell him to put his sheet away, that kid had the nerve to smirk at his babysitter! I tell you, that boy was about to meet Jesus right then and there! The nerve of that kid! He's lucky that the Holy Spirit stopped me from tanning his behind right then and there because boy did I want to. I don't know why he does these things because he doesn't talk about it. I try to pinpoint when and then take guesses about why he does this and no answer. He's stuck and I'm not quite sure about how to get him unstuck. So, then I wait it out while he's being a pain in my butt... *sigh* kids... they make me want to drink.

Grumpy

So I am really grumpy. I don't know why. Last time, it was what I thought but this time, I think it's spiritual. I was at CR and even though it felt good to be there, I didn't quite feel like I belonged. I'm not quite sure where I need to be. I decided that during small group time, I would pray and although I learned a few things, it didn't quite take me out of my funk. I felt upset at times because sometimes I feel that people think that if I'm not actively participating in CR then I'm backsliding or something and that's not it. I just don't know what God is doing there. What's my part in the serving? I honestly don't know. I'm not passionate about it like I once was and I'm OK with missing it at night. I don't know if Joshua really got a lot out of it either. We'll see... I am upset that prayer didn't answer my question of grumpiness. I'm praying that this week, God will shed light on what is going on. All I know is that I'm not happy. I feel like I'm going from day to day just surviving with highlights throughout the week. Last week wasn't a bad week. It was a good week but this weekend... I don't quite know what happened. *sigh* Again, not a bad week or weekend.

One of the things that I asked God about is what am I afraid of. Often anger (which is part of grumpiness) comes from fear. I really do think that it is along those lines. So I asked, "What am I afraid of?"

The answer is: I don't know. Some people have been asking about Joshua and possible adoption and while I may consider that at one point, I'm not quite there yet. I am scared of that whole thing and I know it doesn't make sense, but I think I'm afraid of the permanence. Isn't that stupid? I mean, I don't want him to go anywhere, I'd be lost and sad without him in my life. Heck, he IS my life (in a healthy way, not in a codependent way). I think I'm afraid of messing him up still. And yet, I haven't gotten a grasp on what that means. How much worse can I do than what's been done to him? On the other hand, maybe I'm not taking the steps forward that God wants me to take. I don't know but it is a possibility.

Another possibility is (and I don't quite know when this popped up) that I'm mad at God because I'm living another single year. While I didn't think this was such an issue, I saw that it was while I was praying. I think I still find it hard to believe that no guy wants to go out with me still. I mean, I lost weight, I've worked through many of my issues, I even joined eharmony thinking that I had to do something to make myself available. And yet, nothing. Maybe I'm living in the world of I think that He owes me this which is never a good place to be... but I don't think that's it. I don't even think that it's that I don't think I'll ever marry. But, it's hard to continue to give myself pep talks about how great I am when there's no one there to confirm that. I look at my married friends and even though they have their issues, at the end of the day, they share their lives with someone. They are committed to that person. Whether they stay that way is up to them; but that person is going to be there to help out and to listen to. I've never had a guy love me. I'm 32 and I've never had that happen. My mother was 16. Tamara-16 when she started dating. I've never really dated. It's really sad when you think about it. I could live in a convent at this point still. It's just frustrating. I'm tired of doing this alone. And yet, I don't want to do this without God. This in itself puts me in a bit of a quandary. Either I take control and screw things up or I let God take control and wait for God only knows (literally) how long. I am frustrated but in the end, I want to do God's will because His is the only one that will matter. While it is painful (and believe me, it is), I know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. Because He knows the plans He has for me. He wants me to prosper me and not harm me. He wants me to have a future. While I can plan my steps as much as I want, He's the one who orders them so that I don't fall. I am a princess, His princess and so I will wait and still I will worship Him.