So That...

I have recently embarked on a new adventure in my life. I have gone into foster care. But I didn't take this decision lightly and I've known the kid since he was born. He's 3 and very adorable. I've been wanting to take in this child for a long time. His mother... well for all you southerners I'm just going to leave it as his mother bless her heart. She's not a bad person and I count her as one of my friends. Unfortunately through a series of events, I have him now. He's rambunctious and full of life and curiosity. He is by no means shy and will steal your heart in less time that it takes him to announce himself into a room (which he does rather well if I do say so myself). Anyway, this has been an opportunity that I've been praying for and about for a while. I so want to follow God and I told Him as much. So, imagine my delight when Joshua comes into my (our) home and I show him his new room and clothes. I couldn't believe that the moment was finally here. He was living in my house with me! I was ecstatic to say the least. If you know me at all, you know my love of children and how passionate I am that we as adults don't screw them up. They are very precious resources. I'm all about the Whitney Houston song. They are our future! LOL I know that's corny but I'm sure you get the point. Anyway, I had less than a week to find affordable child care, and rearrange my life to include this new addition to my house. I was overwhelmed to say the least and immediately went into task mode. I have a wonderful church family who stepped it up big time and provided for him in ways that I couldn't imagine. They gave him clothes and shoes and two coats (which he didn't even have one coat when I got him). I was so blessed and could see God's provision. I was praising God and thanking Him for His goodness.
Then, I called my family to tell them my wonderful news. "Why?" was my mother's response. "Are you sure you can do this?" was my sister's response. Both were concerned about being able to take care of him financially. They bought up good points. It is a reason for concern. I own my house, I took a pay cut this year and am still adjusting. I had a really rough summer and am just now recuperating and now I have a kid to raise that isn't in DSS custody which means no money to help right now. Some of my friends from church were concerned as well. It became a theme. I tend to ruminate over things and pretty soon, well... I began to ruminate on this. Was this the right decision? Did I do something wrong? What if I can't do this? What's going to happen? Should I put him back with his mother who can't be there for him? What if...what if...what if... I began to think that I did something wrong. Maybe God's not pleased and I rushed Him. What if I was like the Israelites who wanted a king and so God granted them a king because they kept nagging? My excitement over Joshua turned into apprehension and worry. I was still happy to have him but the cloud over my head kept reminding me of all of the unknown out there. I've been living this way for the past 2 weeks (That's how long he's been with me). It hasn't been as fun or joyous as it should have been.
Well, today I took the day off of work. I had to file for custody, and I wanted to really dig and ask God about this whole thing. So, I went to Bedford and filled out the paperwork (I will probably have to wait until Feb. for the final ruling), and then I came home. It was nice a quiet because Joshua was at the babysitter (I paid for a full week and I am not about to give up another day!) I turned on Itunes and started listening to sermons from Erwin. I began to clean and really seek God's face. The first message ended and I didn't have anything to either confirm or deny my thoughts. So I listened to the next one. Still nothing, but at the end he had a question and answer period. One of the audience members asked about God's will and asked if it was His will that she went to college or if she became a missionary or something. Erwin asked her, "Well, what do you want to do?" "Go to college. But maybe God wants me to be a missionary instead." The way that he answered this question was in a way that I knew but in the midst of the chaos, I'd forgotten. Basically he said that if we are living and walking with God, He is OK with our decisions. If they align with scripture, it's OK. God's desire if we love Him and walk with Him is our desire. (there was more, but this is where I sort of tuned out).
So then I thought about it. All this summer at Blue Ridge, people have been talking about having a "so that" kind of attitude. We go out of our comfort zones or go hang out with people so that we can show them LOVE. Why would God not be pleased if I took in a child who needed stability in his life? What makes me think that God wasn't in this? God is not vindictive. He is not one who says that we have to do everything right. He is one however who looks at our hearts. What's my motive in taking Joshua? Did I do it for my own glory? To see my name in lights? To be called a saint? No. I am passionate about children growing up in a stable environment and learning about the God I love. Does this align with scripture? In Isaiah 58 it says:

Isaiah 58

True Fasting

2 For day after day they seek me out;

they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them...

Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD ? 6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? ">God reminded me that He cares about the poor. He cares about children. God gave me this desire, this determination to care for this kid. To love him so much and not want to see him suffer. God did that. It's not about my finances. I need to let God take care of those like He's been taking care of them. No matter what happens, my house isn't going anywhere. I have food and water and electricity. I can put gas in my car. I am not missing anything. Are there discipline issues? YES, but is that something that keeps me from doing what God has given me the opportunity to do? No! I have to remember Who He is and how He has provided. And I have to look for those moments when Joshua wants to pray for his mommy, and when he hugs me so tight that I never want to let him go. When he comes to me for comfort because he's sad. When I walk into his room because he's being too quiet only to find him sitting on his bed reading a book upside down. God is providing. He's given me a church family who is not going to let me fall (and have told me as much). He's blessed me beyond measure. So, I'm going to have to stop being afraid and lift my hands in surrender so that one day, Joshua instead of being bitter over his life will see God in his life. So I'm not worrying about it. I'm giving it to God and saying, "You handle this." It feels so good to be free:)